One of the things I hear all of the time from both men and women of all ages is the dilemma of what to do in their relationships when the person they are in love with behaves badly. Bad behaviors take many forms in relationships; from blatant misbehavior like affairs and physical abuse to less easily identifiable misbehaviors of the verbally abusive miscreants who play mind games that wear away at their partners confidence and self esteem.
We teach our young people to be kind and understanding and generous in their relationships. Girls are trained by their families and peers to not be "mean" to others, using fear of being alone the rest of their lives as the leverage to gain their compliance. Boys are trained to be unfazed by the relationality going on around them. Boys and men who don't want to be the stereotypical detached guy, work at being more open and accepting of women's bad behaviors in an effort to be the special man who can meet her needs. When boys and girls don't get their emotional needs met as children they often look to members of the opposite sex to help them feel "complete" and loved. This leaves them vulnerable to "settling" for relationships that don't really give them what they want and deserve. They can get attached too quickly, before they really know the person, and once attached, have trouble leaving when things go south. "But I LOVE him", I hear over and over. "I want to spend my life with this person". In spite of the facts; that their beloved partner is emotionally unavailable, angry all the time, putting them down, fiscally irresponsible, borrowing money and never paying them back, has unexplainable absences, text messages, phone calls, or always busy elsewhere, unable to stand up for their partner, running them into the ground with debt from businesses that never take off, not pulling their weight caring for the children or household, doesn't keep healthy boundaries with extended family members or others who are potential love interests, or is constantly trying to control what they do and who the see, who demand all of their attention or are always busy elsewhere love addicts everywhere hope and fantasize that things will change. The fantasy is that if they can only say the right thing at the right time their lover will see the light and automatically change. If only we love them enough and help heal their emotional wounds they will love us and give us the love we desire. Many people stay stuck in this place for years and years. Their own childhood wounds and past relationship unfinished business makes them vulnerable to putting up with bad behavior and settle for less than they deserve. When I work with people I help them look honestly and without the rose-colored glasses at what they really are experiencing in their relationships. I then offer choices of how to address the problems from just considering options to learning how to maintain healthy boundaries and ask for what they need to actually setting a firm limit and leaving the relationship. Each person gets to choose how much change they want to make and at what point they choose to make the changes. As I look back on my own life I have often asked myself, "if you could go back to talk to yourself as a teenager, what would you tell yourself that would have helped you not make the mistakes you have made in your life?". The answer that I have developed is that I would say, " Do not allow anyone to treat you badly and walk away when they do. And never settle for less than being treated with respect and love."
When I work with teenagers I have focused on this message for the past 5-10 years especially. I have worked with them to find their inner strength and like themselves and not put up with the kind of crap that our young men try to pull. I talk to them about being leaders and helping out all women and men by not putting up with bad behavior. I talk about how lack of tolerance for bad behavior could keep their young men and women from growing up to be adults who behave badly.
So imagine my joy and pride when I spoke recently to a young woman whom I have seen off and on throughout her teen years. She is now a college student who has a wonderful creative spirit. She has great values about relationships that she has learned from her family and our therapy as well as from all the experiences she has opened herself up to in the past four years.
She was very distressed recently when her boyfriend of the past 2-3 years had told her he had " cheated" on her. He had gone to a party, gotten drunk, and gone into a bedroom with another young woman and kissed her. That was the extent of the cheating but she felt strongly that women shouldn't put up with this and had vowed that she would not. She was torn because she loves him and thinks he is a good person and he had told her about it and felt remorseful. He told her he felt horrible and would never do it again.
The problem is, as she discussed it, that he already has a pattern of being kind of "unconscious" and passive about relational boundaries as well as some questionable alcohol use. They had discussed these issues several times and each time he had said he would change. Should she stick it out and help him work on these issues or should she forge forth in her own path which may or may not include him in the future? Ultimately she chose herself and told him she was done. I think that surprised him and I think she even surprised herself. Me? I admire this young woman's integrity and strength and wish I could have been like her when I was young. It would have saved me a lot of pain and thankless efforts in my past relationships. I think we can all take a lesson from her and stick to taking care of ourselves first even if it seems scary at times.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Family Meetings
Whether you are a couple with or without children, there is a lot to sort out and coordinate in your busy lives. It is easy to get caught up in work and errands and social engagements, the "business" of life. But for many couples and families it takes over and there is no time or energy left for relationships and the intimacy that makes them tick. Then feelings get hurt and anger rises and people start to grow apart, begin to look to get their needs met by other activities and people. There are many reasons that couples grow apart, a lot can happen over time in a relationship.
Whatever the reason, when you decide that you want to work on building the trust and the teamwork that will bring you back to feeling connected, there are some things you can do that will help. First of all it is important to set your family and the management of it as a priority. Weekly "Family Meetings" are one of the ways I encourage couples and families to work at developing respectful and productive relationships.
Setting a time each week where you meet to discuss all family business helps you find ways to feel closer and more connected. It's a time to review schedules, discuss plans for projects, vacations, finances, holidays and anything else you have going on in your busy lives.
I always recommend that there be a family calendar on the refrigerator or somewhere else that is central to the family's daily lives. Then everyone can check it to see what's on the schedule before planning anything. For the more technologically advanced of you, you can use your online shared calendars that can be accessed by everyone.
Having an agenda for the meetings helps you to stay focused and get all the "work" done during the meeting. You can post a blank agenda on the refrigerator so that anyone can write in an item during the week that they would like discussed at the next meeting.
You can even have a notebook with the notes from previous meetings to refer back to when you forget what decisions you made at a previous meeting.
I am putting together some suggested guidelines for meetings, blank agendas and other forms that you might find useful. Email me, leave your contact information or sign up to be a follower and I can send these out to you or let you know when they are posted on my website and my blog.
I have the Family Meeting outlines and forms available now so email me and I will send them out to you. Soon they will be available on my blog or website for free as a download.
Whatever the reason, when you decide that you want to work on building the trust and the teamwork that will bring you back to feeling connected, there are some things you can do that will help. First of all it is important to set your family and the management of it as a priority. Weekly "Family Meetings" are one of the ways I encourage couples and families to work at developing respectful and productive relationships.
Setting a time each week where you meet to discuss all family business helps you find ways to feel closer and more connected. It's a time to review schedules, discuss plans for projects, vacations, finances, holidays and anything else you have going on in your busy lives.
I always recommend that there be a family calendar on the refrigerator or somewhere else that is central to the family's daily lives. Then everyone can check it to see what's on the schedule before planning anything. For the more technologically advanced of you, you can use your online shared calendars that can be accessed by everyone.
Having an agenda for the meetings helps you to stay focused and get all the "work" done during the meeting. You can post a blank agenda on the refrigerator so that anyone can write in an item during the week that they would like discussed at the next meeting.
You can even have a notebook with the notes from previous meetings to refer back to when you forget what decisions you made at a previous meeting.
I am putting together some suggested guidelines for meetings, blank agendas and other forms that you might find useful. Email me, leave your contact information or sign up to be a follower and I can send these out to you or let you know when they are posted on my website and my blog.
I have the Family Meeting outlines and forms available now so email me and I will send them out to you. Soon they will be available on my blog or website for free as a download.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Are You In A Verbally Abusive Relationship? Are You Verbally Abusing Others?
Years ago a great book was recommended to me called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. What I love most about it is that she breaks verbal abuse down so you can understand what is and what is not abuse. She points out that verbal abuse, one-upman-ship, defeating, putting down, topping, countering, manipulating, criticizing, hard selling and intimidating, are accepted as fair games in our culture even though the outcome can be so hurtful.
These tactics often leave us feeling confused as the perpetrator doesn't take responsibility for how they talk to others and denies the power playing behaviors. This tends to make their partner feel "crazy" and doubt their own sense of reality.
Here is a checklist for you that can help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship (whether that be with family, friends, co-workers or your primary relationship) as well as if you might also be verbally abusing someone else:
1. They seem irritated or angry with you several times a week or more even though you didn't intend to upset them and you are surprised by their reaction. If you ask they deny they are angry or tell you that it's your fault.
2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss your feelings, it never feels as if the issue ever gets resolved.
3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by their responses because, no matter how clearly you are in explaining your intentions, they don't seem to understand.
4. You find yourself more upset about how you communicate in the relationship than about concrete issues such as decision-making or planning. You end up thinking "on the defensive" about how you behave in the relationship, trying not to upset the other person.
5. You often wonder to yourself that you shouldn't be feeling as badly as you do, that there's something wrong with you.
6. The abuser rarely wants to share their thoughts and plans with you.
7. They seem to take the opposite view from you on almost every topic. They don't say "I think" or "I believe" but as if their views are right and yours are wrong.
8. You sometimes wonder if they perceive you as a separate person.
9. You can't recall saying to them, "Cut it out!" or, "Stop it!".
10. They react either angrily or say they "have no idea what you are talking about" when you try to discuss an issue with them.
If you have agreed with two or more of these statements you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert. Overt abuse would be an angry outburst or an attack including swearing, name-calling and other put-downs. Covert abuse is hidden and less direct. It is often experienced as "crazy-making" because you are being told that what you see did not happen or that you are too sensitive.
In order to recognize this kind of abuse one must learn to trust one's own experience and recognize that they other person is not loving, valuing and respecting you.
Here is a checklist that can help teach you when "crazy-making" is going on from Bach and Deutsch's book "Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy!":
1. Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
2. Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
3. Being caught off guard.
4. Feeling disconnected, confused, disoriented.
5. Feeling off-balance, as if the rug had been pulled from under one's feet.
6. Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.
7. Feeling generally "bugged" by the simple presence of the person.
8. To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was all about.
I think we end up in this confused state as a way of protecting ourselves from realizing how terrible the relationship is. We'd rather think there was something wrong with us than think someone was really hurting us this way.
If we have grown up in an abusive home we sometimes bring this orientation along with us into our adult relationships, whether that be as as abuser, a victim or both.
At the base of verbal abuse is the differing perspectives of "power" in a relationship. One person believes in "Personal Power" which is based on mutuality and co-creation. The other person believes in "Power Over" which is all about control and dominance.
When a person believes it is important to have Power Over, they have as a goal "winning" and believe only one person can be the winner and it is important to them that the one person be them. Sometimes this is due to having grown up in a shame-based family system or culture. If a child is raised to believe that being imperfect or unable to control everything means they are worthless and unlovable, they are going to fight every way they can to be perfect, to have no flaws, to never be wrong or "less than" anyone else. Being right and "better than" is more important than kindness, love and respect. Sometimes people are shamelessly grandiose about themselves and enjoy hurting others. Sometimes they are "love dependent" and fearful of being "abandoned" by the person they are with so they work at making them increasingly more insecure so they won't feel confident enough to leave. Often they are imitating how they saw others behave in their homes while they were growing up.
In most verbally abusive relationships, there is one person who believes everyone can be a winner, that they are part of a team working for the best of everyone while the other person is threatened by anyone else being "good enough" and work to beat down the other persons' self esteem bit by bit so they can maintain control and be "better than". The Team Player is continually surprised and caught off guard by this because they fail to recognize and believe that the other person is playing by a different set of rules. They are vulnerable to being abused because they are so willing to look at everyone's opinions that an abusive person can keep them always working on fairness while the abuser takes control.
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing)
4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
5. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling
6. Verbal abuse is insidious causing the partner to lose self esteem and confidence, change behaviors to avoid upsetting the abuser and resembles brainwashing without the partner realizing any of these things are happening to them
7. Verbal abuse is unpredictable causing the partner to feel caught off guard, stunned by the sarcasm, angry jabs, put-downs or hurtful comments
8. Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship. The issue being argued about never gets resolved
9. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. The abusers words don't reflect their true feelings
10. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency and variety and sometimes even escalates into physical abuse
CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. WITHHOLDING: An abuser does this by refusing to listen to their partner, denying their partner's experience or refusing to share about themselves in the relationship. The partner may make up stories about the abuser to make this behavior acceptable or more normal; shy, quiet, self-contained, etc.
2. COUNTERING: In order to maintain the dominance, the abuser may choose to argue against their partner's thoughts, feelings, perceptions or experiences. There is no possibility of discussion.
3. DISCOUNTING: The abuser may deny and distort their partner's perception of the abuse in the relationship. "You're too sensitive", "You can't take a joke", "You always have to have something to complain about", etc.
4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES: Disparaging comments made with wit and style leave the partner confused about whether or not the hurtful comment was intended to cause pain especially when followed by "You just don't have a sense of humor!"
5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING: When the abuser refuses to communicate, establishes limits about what can be discussed or withholds information or switches topics it leaves their partner powerless.
6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING: A verbal abuser may accuse their partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming the partner for their anger, irritation or insecurity. This is a very toxic process in a relationship as the abuser can not look at their own behaviors or feelings and "own" them which makes life feel very unsafe for the person being blamed for it all the time.
7. JUDGING AND CRITICIZING: Making critical and judgmental comments either directly to their partner or in front of others.
8. TRIVIALIZING: The abuser responds to feelings or concerns or accomplishments as if they are insignificant.
9. UNDERMINING: This is a way of withholding emotional support and eroding the partner's confidence and determination.
10. THREATENING: Usually involving the threat of loss or pain.
11. NAME CALLING: All name calling is abusive.
12. FORGETTING: Denial or covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which impact another person is verbally abusive denial. Consistently forgetting promises.
13. ORDERING: This denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.
14. DENIAL: Refusing to acknowledge or admit to how they have behaved denies the reality of their partner and can be very damaging to their confidence.
You can read about all of this in more detail in Patricia Evans' book.This blog is merely intended to provide a brief introduction which will hopefully lead you to investigate more and choose to make some changes in your life. If you think you have been abused or may have abused others, but the book and read more detail to evaluate further.
Once you have recognized that you have experienced or are currently experiencing verbal abuse you can start to find ways to change how you respond to it. If you think you are being verbally abusive to others in your life, now is a good time to find different ways to treat the people you love.
Here are some steps you can take:
1. Get professional counseling support
2. Ask your partner to go to counseling with you
3. Start setting clear, firm and consistent limits
4. Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future. Don't get sidetracked by "Content" and stay focused on "Process"
5. Remember that you can leave any abusive situation, you always have choices
6. Ask for the changes you want in your relationship
It is important as we choose to make changes in our lives and relationships that we make a firm decision to be respectful and non-violent to others as well as to ourselves, inside our own heads. We have the right to expect others to treat us as well as we treat them.
In my next blog I hope to talk more about how to be respectful by processing our experiences more completely and taking ownership of how we evaluate what happens in our world and how we make ourselves feel based on that.
I hope you join me in the future!
These tactics often leave us feeling confused as the perpetrator doesn't take responsibility for how they talk to others and denies the power playing behaviors. This tends to make their partner feel "crazy" and doubt their own sense of reality.
Here is a checklist for you that can help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship (whether that be with family, friends, co-workers or your primary relationship) as well as if you might also be verbally abusing someone else:
1. They seem irritated or angry with you several times a week or more even though you didn't intend to upset them and you are surprised by their reaction. If you ask they deny they are angry or tell you that it's your fault.
2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss your feelings, it never feels as if the issue ever gets resolved.
3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by their responses because, no matter how clearly you are in explaining your intentions, they don't seem to understand.
4. You find yourself more upset about how you communicate in the relationship than about concrete issues such as decision-making or planning. You end up thinking "on the defensive" about how you behave in the relationship, trying not to upset the other person.
5. You often wonder to yourself that you shouldn't be feeling as badly as you do, that there's something wrong with you.
6. The abuser rarely wants to share their thoughts and plans with you.
7. They seem to take the opposite view from you on almost every topic. They don't say "I think" or "I believe" but as if their views are right and yours are wrong.
8. You sometimes wonder if they perceive you as a separate person.
9. You can't recall saying to them, "Cut it out!" or, "Stop it!".
10. They react either angrily or say they "have no idea what you are talking about" when you try to discuss an issue with them.
If you have agreed with two or more of these statements you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert. Overt abuse would be an angry outburst or an attack including swearing, name-calling and other put-downs. Covert abuse is hidden and less direct. It is often experienced as "crazy-making" because you are being told that what you see did not happen or that you are too sensitive.
In order to recognize this kind of abuse one must learn to trust one's own experience and recognize that they other person is not loving, valuing and respecting you.
Here is a checklist that can help teach you when "crazy-making" is going on from Bach and Deutsch's book "Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy!":
1. Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
2. Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
3. Being caught off guard.
4. Feeling disconnected, confused, disoriented.
5. Feeling off-balance, as if the rug had been pulled from under one's feet.
6. Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.
7. Feeling generally "bugged" by the simple presence of the person.
8. To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was all about.
I think we end up in this confused state as a way of protecting ourselves from realizing how terrible the relationship is. We'd rather think there was something wrong with us than think someone was really hurting us this way.
If we have grown up in an abusive home we sometimes bring this orientation along with us into our adult relationships, whether that be as as abuser, a victim or both.
At the base of verbal abuse is the differing perspectives of "power" in a relationship. One person believes in "Personal Power" which is based on mutuality and co-creation. The other person believes in "Power Over" which is all about control and dominance.
When a person believes it is important to have Power Over, they have as a goal "winning" and believe only one person can be the winner and it is important to them that the one person be them. Sometimes this is due to having grown up in a shame-based family system or culture. If a child is raised to believe that being imperfect or unable to control everything means they are worthless and unlovable, they are going to fight every way they can to be perfect, to have no flaws, to never be wrong or "less than" anyone else. Being right and "better than" is more important than kindness, love and respect. Sometimes people are shamelessly grandiose about themselves and enjoy hurting others. Sometimes they are "love dependent" and fearful of being "abandoned" by the person they are with so they work at making them increasingly more insecure so they won't feel confident enough to leave. Often they are imitating how they saw others behave in their homes while they were growing up.
In most verbally abusive relationships, there is one person who believes everyone can be a winner, that they are part of a team working for the best of everyone while the other person is threatened by anyone else being "good enough" and work to beat down the other persons' self esteem bit by bit so they can maintain control and be "better than". The Team Player is continually surprised and caught off guard by this because they fail to recognize and believe that the other person is playing by a different set of rules. They are vulnerable to being abused because they are so willing to look at everyone's opinions that an abusive person can keep them always working on fairness while the abuser takes control.
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing)
4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
5. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling
6. Verbal abuse is insidious causing the partner to lose self esteem and confidence, change behaviors to avoid upsetting the abuser and resembles brainwashing without the partner realizing any of these things are happening to them
7. Verbal abuse is unpredictable causing the partner to feel caught off guard, stunned by the sarcasm, angry jabs, put-downs or hurtful comments
8. Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship. The issue being argued about never gets resolved
9. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. The abusers words don't reflect their true feelings
10. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency and variety and sometimes even escalates into physical abuse
CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. WITHHOLDING: An abuser does this by refusing to listen to their partner, denying their partner's experience or refusing to share about themselves in the relationship. The partner may make up stories about the abuser to make this behavior acceptable or more normal; shy, quiet, self-contained, etc.
2. COUNTERING: In order to maintain the dominance, the abuser may choose to argue against their partner's thoughts, feelings, perceptions or experiences. There is no possibility of discussion.
3. DISCOUNTING: The abuser may deny and distort their partner's perception of the abuse in the relationship. "You're too sensitive", "You can't take a joke", "You always have to have something to complain about", etc.
4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES: Disparaging comments made with wit and style leave the partner confused about whether or not the hurtful comment was intended to cause pain especially when followed by "You just don't have a sense of humor!"
5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING: When the abuser refuses to communicate, establishes limits about what can be discussed or withholds information or switches topics it leaves their partner powerless.
6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING: A verbal abuser may accuse their partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming the partner for their anger, irritation or insecurity. This is a very toxic process in a relationship as the abuser can not look at their own behaviors or feelings and "own" them which makes life feel very unsafe for the person being blamed for it all the time.
7. JUDGING AND CRITICIZING: Making critical and judgmental comments either directly to their partner or in front of others.
8. TRIVIALIZING: The abuser responds to feelings or concerns or accomplishments as if they are insignificant.
9. UNDERMINING: This is a way of withholding emotional support and eroding the partner's confidence and determination.
10. THREATENING: Usually involving the threat of loss or pain.
11. NAME CALLING: All name calling is abusive.
12. FORGETTING: Denial or covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which impact another person is verbally abusive denial. Consistently forgetting promises.
13. ORDERING: This denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.
14. DENIAL: Refusing to acknowledge or admit to how they have behaved denies the reality of their partner and can be very damaging to their confidence.
You can read about all of this in more detail in Patricia Evans' book.This blog is merely intended to provide a brief introduction which will hopefully lead you to investigate more and choose to make some changes in your life. If you think you have been abused or may have abused others, but the book and read more detail to evaluate further.
Once you have recognized that you have experienced or are currently experiencing verbal abuse you can start to find ways to change how you respond to it. If you think you are being verbally abusive to others in your life, now is a good time to find different ways to treat the people you love.
Here are some steps you can take:
1. Get professional counseling support
2. Ask your partner to go to counseling with you
3. Start setting clear, firm and consistent limits
4. Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future. Don't get sidetracked by "Content" and stay focused on "Process"
5. Remember that you can leave any abusive situation, you always have choices
6. Ask for the changes you want in your relationship
It is important as we choose to make changes in our lives and relationships that we make a firm decision to be respectful and non-violent to others as well as to ourselves, inside our own heads. We have the right to expect others to treat us as well as we treat them.
In my next blog I hope to talk more about how to be respectful by processing our experiences more completely and taking ownership of how we evaluate what happens in our world and how we make ourselves feel based on that.
I hope you join me in the future!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Co-Dependency In Children
Someone asked me, after my blog on co-dependency, if I could write something about co-dependency in children. This is kind of a tough one for a couple of reasons, and actually simple in other ways, to talk about.
First of all, kids are totally dependent on their caretakers and do not begin to have the brain/emotional development to see themselves as separate beings until they hit adolescence, and that growth continues on until the brain is fully developed somewhere between 20 and 25 years old. Their concept of themselves is dependent on what gets "mirrored" back to them by their caretakers. So if Mom or Dad shows love and interest then they believe themselves to be loveable and interesting, if they are told they are good, or smart, or beautiful, for example, a child under about 12 will believe their parent to be correct regardless of what anyone else might say about them.
They are vulnerable, then, to having a parent tell them they are bad or stupid or ugly or evil. They may have parents make requests of them or try to manipulate their behavior to meet the parent's needs based on being told it is the right way to behave or being shamed into believing that they are bad people if the parent isn't happy.
We are usually trained early, in our families, to be co-dependent and put others before ourselves. Some of this training is healthy in that kids need to learn to think about helping others and thinking of others since it is natural for them to be focused on themselves in childhood. Because of their brain and emotional development, kids tend to think they are the center of the universe and everything that happens, good or bad, is down to them. Children need to learn they do have an impact on others as well as that they are not responsible for what everyone else thinks or feels.
Where the training runs afoul is in a dysfunctional family when parents are so busy trying to meet their own unresolved needs that they are not thinking about what is best for their children. Often these parents actually believe that they are doing the right thing as they train their children to feel bad about themselves unless they can "make" their parents happy.
Kids end up walking on eggshells and thinking bad thoughts about themselves which lead them to having a low self esteem which they can only cure by making everyone around them happy. Younger children focus on their parents, teens focus on getting approval from peers and adults look for proof of their value in their love relationships. If they are lucky they get attached to healthy people who can help them find their own values and strengths, but most often they turn to people with similar issues and expectations. If things are bad enough in their family, kids will give up on themselves and look to other acting out kids who help them feel worthwhile and as adults turn to other love dependents who try to get their needs met by them or control them.
What kids need, to help them avoid the co-dependency trap, is help finding their own strengths, beliefs and values. How can you help your child think things through themselves rather than tell them what to think and feel? Ask before you lecture. Ask them what they think before you pronounce a judgement. Ask them how they think they did in school or a project or sport. How would they do it differently if they could do it again? What do they think they would need to do to be a better student, friend, family or community member, team member? They will usually be harder on themselves than you would be. Then you can be loving and attentive and supportive parent and praise them for what they did (good and bad) and for being so clever about figuring out how to grow from the experience.
Another good thing for parents to do is model behaviors themselves. Show your strengths and weaknesses. Let your kids see you struggle with decision-making and fixing your messes. Show them how to have healthy boundaries in their relationships with others and with themselves inside their own heads. Help them understand that no one "makes" anyone feel anything. Be responsible for the stories that you make up about what is happening in your life and that you are making yourself have feelings based on your own interpretation of events. Help them learn to talk their thinking through and see if there are other possible ways to look at things and feel differently.
As their brains develop, as they grow emotionally and have their own life experiences, they will be more equipped to find their own way and be less dependent on others to define them and "make" them happy. They will be more comfortable in their own skin and be more confident in their decision-making and have better problem-solving skills to make it through the rough patches. They won't worry as much about how others are feeling as they will know that everyone is responsible for themselves. They will be able to put themselves first without worrying that this will put someone else last. They will look for healthy people to have in their inner circle and not be bogged down with relationships that go counter to their life goals and values.
Your children will be better able to love themselves and others without fear, and expect and give respect in all their relationships.
First of all, kids are totally dependent on their caretakers and do not begin to have the brain/emotional development to see themselves as separate beings until they hit adolescence, and that growth continues on until the brain is fully developed somewhere between 20 and 25 years old. Their concept of themselves is dependent on what gets "mirrored" back to them by their caretakers. So if Mom or Dad shows love and interest then they believe themselves to be loveable and interesting, if they are told they are good, or smart, or beautiful, for example, a child under about 12 will believe their parent to be correct regardless of what anyone else might say about them.
They are vulnerable, then, to having a parent tell them they are bad or stupid or ugly or evil. They may have parents make requests of them or try to manipulate their behavior to meet the parent's needs based on being told it is the right way to behave or being shamed into believing that they are bad people if the parent isn't happy.
We are usually trained early, in our families, to be co-dependent and put others before ourselves. Some of this training is healthy in that kids need to learn to think about helping others and thinking of others since it is natural for them to be focused on themselves in childhood. Because of their brain and emotional development, kids tend to think they are the center of the universe and everything that happens, good or bad, is down to them. Children need to learn they do have an impact on others as well as that they are not responsible for what everyone else thinks or feels.
Where the training runs afoul is in a dysfunctional family when parents are so busy trying to meet their own unresolved needs that they are not thinking about what is best for their children. Often these parents actually believe that they are doing the right thing as they train their children to feel bad about themselves unless they can "make" their parents happy.
Kids end up walking on eggshells and thinking bad thoughts about themselves which lead them to having a low self esteem which they can only cure by making everyone around them happy. Younger children focus on their parents, teens focus on getting approval from peers and adults look for proof of their value in their love relationships. If they are lucky they get attached to healthy people who can help them find their own values and strengths, but most often they turn to people with similar issues and expectations. If things are bad enough in their family, kids will give up on themselves and look to other acting out kids who help them feel worthwhile and as adults turn to other love dependents who try to get their needs met by them or control them.
What kids need, to help them avoid the co-dependency trap, is help finding their own strengths, beliefs and values. How can you help your child think things through themselves rather than tell them what to think and feel? Ask before you lecture. Ask them what they think before you pronounce a judgement. Ask them how they think they did in school or a project or sport. How would they do it differently if they could do it again? What do they think they would need to do to be a better student, friend, family or community member, team member? They will usually be harder on themselves than you would be. Then you can be loving and attentive and supportive parent and praise them for what they did (good and bad) and for being so clever about figuring out how to grow from the experience.
Another good thing for parents to do is model behaviors themselves. Show your strengths and weaknesses. Let your kids see you struggle with decision-making and fixing your messes. Show them how to have healthy boundaries in their relationships with others and with themselves inside their own heads. Help them understand that no one "makes" anyone feel anything. Be responsible for the stories that you make up about what is happening in your life and that you are making yourself have feelings based on your own interpretation of events. Help them learn to talk their thinking through and see if there are other possible ways to look at things and feel differently.
As their brains develop, as they grow emotionally and have their own life experiences, they will be more equipped to find their own way and be less dependent on others to define them and "make" them happy. They will be more comfortable in their own skin and be more confident in their decision-making and have better problem-solving skills to make it through the rough patches. They won't worry as much about how others are feeling as they will know that everyone is responsible for themselves. They will be able to put themselves first without worrying that this will put someone else last. They will look for healthy people to have in their inner circle and not be bogged down with relationships that go counter to their life goals and values.
Your children will be better able to love themselves and others without fear, and expect and give respect in all their relationships.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Working Out
Sometimes I wonder if I am too old to work out...maybe I should just give up and let age take over? My body can ache and I can be tired but when I get into my workout I feel refreshed and when it's over I have renewed energy.
When I used to hear people say these things I thought they were nuts! I don't get the workout high but I sure do feel calmed and happier after a good workout AND my aches and pains decrease quite a bit.
I'm really enjoying the P90X workouts, again, and learn more every time I do them. With a mixture of Shakeology every morning and our Tart Cherry Bombs (see previous blogs) I have more energy and focus than ever before.
I feel peaceful and calm and more easily manage all things in life. My body is stronger and I have more stamina.
This combination of exercise and spiritual/psychological exploration and study seem to be just the right mix.
When I used to hear people say these things I thought they were nuts! I don't get the workout high but I sure do feel calmed and happier after a good workout AND my aches and pains decrease quite a bit.
I'm really enjoying the P90X workouts, again, and learn more every time I do them. With a mixture of Shakeology every morning and our Tart Cherry Bombs (see previous blogs) I have more energy and focus than ever before.
I feel peaceful and calm and more easily manage all things in life. My body is stronger and I have more stamina.
This combination of exercise and spiritual/psychological exploration and study seem to be just the right mix.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Emotional Intelligence
This is an interesting website with a lot of good information about how to improve emotional intelligence:
http://www.emotionalintelligencecentral.org/index.html
Check it out and tell me what you think. All the lessons are available on the website for free.
http://www.emotionalintelligencecentral.org/index.html
Check it out and tell me what you think. All the lessons are available on the website for free.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Energized Through Relationships
Lucky for me, a person who is energized through relating to people, I get to work in a field where it is all about relationship.
Some people get drained when they have to connect with people, I have been there myself at times in my life, and some of us get jazzed.
I have a high tolerance level for emotional connection. It takes several days of intensity for me to need my down time these days.
When I used to get tired out more easily I think it was because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin...I wasn't being true to who I am and I didn't have confidence in myself. I had to be hypervigilant, trying to see how everyone was reacting, feeling, what they were needing. I was always trying to guage whether or not people liked me.
These days I like me, even if others don't.
When I am not worrying about what others think of me I am happier and calmer, more peaceful, more generous with myself and to myself.
I spent the last 3 days giving presentations to anywhere from 30-120 people. The days of my panic seems to be gone and I can "work the room" and feel confident that I will think of a way to help people talk and fill it in with something that I think might be helpful.
AND...I enjoyed myself and went home to chat with my son and then do 90 minutes of extreme yoga.
Life is good.
Some people get drained when they have to connect with people, I have been there myself at times in my life, and some of us get jazzed.
I have a high tolerance level for emotional connection. It takes several days of intensity for me to need my down time these days.
When I used to get tired out more easily I think it was because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin...I wasn't being true to who I am and I didn't have confidence in myself. I had to be hypervigilant, trying to see how everyone was reacting, feeling, what they were needing. I was always trying to guage whether or not people liked me.
These days I like me, even if others don't.
When I am not worrying about what others think of me I am happier and calmer, more peaceful, more generous with myself and to myself.
I spent the last 3 days giving presentations to anywhere from 30-120 people. The days of my panic seems to be gone and I can "work the room" and feel confident that I will think of a way to help people talk and fill it in with something that I think might be helpful.
AND...I enjoyed myself and went home to chat with my son and then do 90 minutes of extreme yoga.
Life is good.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Family
Family problems come and go but when you can walk into someone's home and immediately feel loved and included, it's a GIFT!
My California family has always been a center of warmth and inclusion for me. I could be away for years, walk in and feel like I am loved and I matter to everyone.
We all have and appreciate the same crazy sense of humor, we all interrupt each other in an energetic Jewish sharing of excitement of what we are talking about.
With all of us aging (like that's an excuse), memory is at a low ebb, so we have to count on each others' support and memory blips to A) be able to finish a sentence, B) remember what we were talking about before we were so rudely interrupted (LOL) and C) creatively finish thoughts and remember the names of movies stars and politicians not to mention people we knew when we were four (and by the way which aunt is in that picture and who potched who on the tuchus, Black Bottom?)
Being separated by miles may enhance the memories but sometimes I wish that I had grown up around my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. Maybe it would have been harmful to me in many ways to get embroiled in the family dysfunctions, who knows? Maybe I would have learned to keep my boundaries better because it would have been clear I needed to. Maybe we would not have ended up as loving and connected as we are these days if we had had to deal with each other more often.
I learned, instead, to make family of the friends we met along the way. I also learned to love and be inclusive with family and friends. What felt good to me was what I want to give to others. Being the third and youngest in my nuclear family left me often feel like the odd girl out. I learned to reach out to others for the connection I longed for.
I have family of blood and family of heart and feel fortunate to have developed such loving and warm relationships with so many people in my life.
I thank you all.
My California family has always been a center of warmth and inclusion for me. I could be away for years, walk in and feel like I am loved and I matter to everyone.
We all have and appreciate the same crazy sense of humor, we all interrupt each other in an energetic Jewish sharing of excitement of what we are talking about.
With all of us aging (like that's an excuse), memory is at a low ebb, so we have to count on each others' support and memory blips to A) be able to finish a sentence, B) remember what we were talking about before we were so rudely interrupted (LOL) and C) creatively finish thoughts and remember the names of movies stars and politicians not to mention people we knew when we were four (and by the way which aunt is in that picture and who potched who on the tuchus, Black Bottom?)
Being separated by miles may enhance the memories but sometimes I wish that I had grown up around my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. Maybe it would have been harmful to me in many ways to get embroiled in the family dysfunctions, who knows? Maybe I would have learned to keep my boundaries better because it would have been clear I needed to. Maybe we would not have ended up as loving and connected as we are these days if we had had to deal with each other more often.
I learned, instead, to make family of the friends we met along the way. I also learned to love and be inclusive with family and friends. What felt good to me was what I want to give to others. Being the third and youngest in my nuclear family left me often feel like the odd girl out. I learned to reach out to others for the connection I longed for.
I have family of blood and family of heart and feel fortunate to have developed such loving and warm relationships with so many people in my life.
I thank you all.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Co-Dependency
For years we have heard the word bandied around and it has gone in and out of favor in the therapy world. The older I get the clearer I get about it in myself and thought I'd share some of what I know to help others.
CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENCY/LOVE ADDICTION:
Most CDs come from dysfunctional families of one sort or another and did not have their emotional and relational needs met.
CDs may try to get their unmet dependency needs met, vicariously, by becoming a care giver to others who appear needy.
CDs are often attracted to emotionally unavailable people like those they experienced as children in the hopes that they could change this person into the loving person they have always longed for. Having few healthy boundaries, CDs get involved with people they do not know very well and try to fantasize them into being the person they desire.
CDs are usually terrified of abandonment and rejection and so will do almost anything to hang on to people even when they know the relationship is toxic for them all to avoid the pain of another loss/rejection. Fearing abandonment and rejection CDs stay in and return to painful and destructive relationships and grow more isolated and alienated from friends and family, loved ones, themselves and their higher power.
CDs are willing to do things to help others. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time or is too expensive if they believe it will help those they care about. It is easy to believe that they have to take care of everyone elses' needs before they can attend to their own.
CDs are used to lack of love in their relationships and are willing to wait, work harder and hope they can eventually please others to gain the love and be valued the way they have always hoped to be. CDs feel empty and incomplete when they are alone.
CDs usually take more than 50% of the blame and responsibility for any problems, real or anticipated.
CDs have critically low self esteem and believe, deep inside, that they must earn the right to enjoy life. Suffering in life and relationships is familiar. Being treated well and cherished is suspect.
CDs have a desperate need to control people and relationships out of fear. We try to mask our fear and efforts at control as "being helpful".
CDs tend to see only their fantasy, not the reality, of their relationships.
CDs are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
CDs can tend toward depression especially as they stuff their hurt and anger and feel powerless in their relationships.
CDs may find nice and stable people boring.
CDs operate from a place of "lack of abundance" and then tend to not take care of themselves emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically.
CDs tend to focus on others and what they need and not take responsibility for their own behaviors or needs.
CDs can tend to fear others they perceive as having more power.
CDs become approval seekers and lose their identities in the process. They also lose their internal locus of control and believe others define them and give them worth.
CDs are afraid of anger and angry people and fear personal criticism because it brings them back to feeling shame about being worthless. Shame is experienced at toxic levels.
CDs often feel like victims of their situation, of others, of life.
CDs judge themselves harshly and without the mercy they extend to others.
CDs feel guilty and ashamed if they stand up for themselves and fear being rejected and abandoned for having done so.
CDs tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
CDs react to life rather than be proactive about life.
Whoa...how did we get here and how do we get out????
The obvious issues in all of this are that we suffer from low self esteem and poor self image. If you do not feel good about yourself, you do not believe that anyone worthwhile would want to be in a relationship with you, right? We make up stories about people so we can love them, keep attached and to make ourselves feel worthy of love. If love addicts saw the person the way they really are they would feel like THEY are the worthless ones rather than seeing the truth and running.
I tell people over and over to find someone who likes them the way they are, to not settle for a warm body. You don't need to justify and apologize for who you are. Find a way to like, and even LOVE yourself the way you are and then find someone who also likes and even LOVES who you are. Stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes in life! As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!".
Codependents fear abandonment and rejection as if the loss of this particular person will leave them without their life's blood. Adults are not abandoned, they are left. Adults can cope with loss and move on. You will NOT die.
Codependents feel responsible for what everyone else is thinking or feeling or doing. They believe they can read minds and that others should be able to read theirs. What if we lived in a world where everyone was responsible for their own stuff? Obviously this would be a relief in that we wouldn't have to walk on eggshells all the time but for many codependents this is a threat. It is hard to trust others to be responsible, it is hard to trust they will want to stay if we don't control how everything goes in our lives.
Learning to have healthy boundaries is essential. This means physical, sexual and emotional/relational boundaries. If I am responsible only for myself, things change. If I accept and love who I am and don't dip into toxic shame when things don't turn out perfectly, or when people get angry with me I can feel more confortable in my own skin. This also means I don't jump up into grandiosity when things go wrong or make me uncomfortable. I don't need to be "less than", not do I need to be "better than" or "one up" on others. If I am "good enough" and accept others as they are then I get to decide who and when and where for everything in my life.
I can let people into my inner circle without worrying about whether or not they are safe because I trust myself to keep myself safe. If people treat me badly I can use my boundaries to protect myself. I don't need to keep up my guard all the time with everyone because I trust that I want the best for myself and will cherish myself enough to stay safe.
And I don't let people stay in my inner circle if they don't treat me with respect.
As Terry Real says, imagine an ornage peel as your boundaries. The white part on the inside is the boundary that contains you, keeps you from spilling out too much onto others with your anger, lust, anxiety, etc while the orange part of the peel is the boundary that protects you from others. People can say whatever they want about you but that doesn't make it true.
You can listen to what others say and understand that they are talking about their own perceptions rather than facts about you, and then you can get more curious about why they would think that way. And if you care about them, you want to understand so you help make things better between you. And you don't have to let their interpretations define who you are.
We also have to learn to own our interpretations of others and the world around us so that we are not going around dumping our thoughts and feelings onto others. We cannot expect others to treat us with respect if we aren't going to treat them with respect. It is easy to believe our emotional reactions to events are "the truth", and that others have intended to "make us feel" a certain way.
We each are always making up stories about what we hear, see, smell, taste and tounch based on our past experiences. This doesn't mean we are lying, it means we use what we know to make sense of what is happening around us. Sometimes we are right and sometimes not. We cannot depend on our interpretations to be factual in relationships because other people come from different life experiences and may have different meanings attached to events and motivation than the ones we grew up with.
I'll get into all of these issues in more depth in future blogs so I don't want to get bogged down in it here. What I hope to get across is the issues that confront Love Addicts/CoDependents and what some of the things they need to work on to start to feel better about themselves and have heathier and more satisfyingly respectful relationships.
Self esteem, healthy boundaries, respectful communication. Start anywhere and put one foot in front of the other and evolve.
Send me questions or thoughts...I'd love to get some feedback and ideas of what else to write about!
CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENCY/LOVE ADDICTION:
Most CDs come from dysfunctional families of one sort or another and did not have their emotional and relational needs met.
CDs may try to get their unmet dependency needs met, vicariously, by becoming a care giver to others who appear needy.
CDs are often attracted to emotionally unavailable people like those they experienced as children in the hopes that they could change this person into the loving person they have always longed for. Having few healthy boundaries, CDs get involved with people they do not know very well and try to fantasize them into being the person they desire.
CDs are usually terrified of abandonment and rejection and so will do almost anything to hang on to people even when they know the relationship is toxic for them all to avoid the pain of another loss/rejection. Fearing abandonment and rejection CDs stay in and return to painful and destructive relationships and grow more isolated and alienated from friends and family, loved ones, themselves and their higher power.
CDs are willing to do things to help others. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time or is too expensive if they believe it will help those they care about. It is easy to believe that they have to take care of everyone elses' needs before they can attend to their own.
CDs are used to lack of love in their relationships and are willing to wait, work harder and hope they can eventually please others to gain the love and be valued the way they have always hoped to be. CDs feel empty and incomplete when they are alone.
CDs usually take more than 50% of the blame and responsibility for any problems, real or anticipated.
CDs have critically low self esteem and believe, deep inside, that they must earn the right to enjoy life. Suffering in life and relationships is familiar. Being treated well and cherished is suspect.
CDs have a desperate need to control people and relationships out of fear. We try to mask our fear and efforts at control as "being helpful".
CDs tend to see only their fantasy, not the reality, of their relationships.
CDs are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
CDs can tend toward depression especially as they stuff their hurt and anger and feel powerless in their relationships.
CDs may find nice and stable people boring.
CDs operate from a place of "lack of abundance" and then tend to not take care of themselves emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically.
CDs tend to focus on others and what they need and not take responsibility for their own behaviors or needs.
CDs can tend to fear others they perceive as having more power.
CDs become approval seekers and lose their identities in the process. They also lose their internal locus of control and believe others define them and give them worth.
CDs are afraid of anger and angry people and fear personal criticism because it brings them back to feeling shame about being worthless. Shame is experienced at toxic levels.
CDs often feel like victims of their situation, of others, of life.
CDs judge themselves harshly and without the mercy they extend to others.
CDs feel guilty and ashamed if they stand up for themselves and fear being rejected and abandoned for having done so.
CDs tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
CDs react to life rather than be proactive about life.
Whoa...how did we get here and how do we get out????
The obvious issues in all of this are that we suffer from low self esteem and poor self image. If you do not feel good about yourself, you do not believe that anyone worthwhile would want to be in a relationship with you, right? We make up stories about people so we can love them, keep attached and to make ourselves feel worthy of love. If love addicts saw the person the way they really are they would feel like THEY are the worthless ones rather than seeing the truth and running.
I tell people over and over to find someone who likes them the way they are, to not settle for a warm body. You don't need to justify and apologize for who you are. Find a way to like, and even LOVE yourself the way you are and then find someone who also likes and even LOVES who you are. Stop trying to fit square pegs into round holes in life! As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!".
Codependents fear abandonment and rejection as if the loss of this particular person will leave them without their life's blood. Adults are not abandoned, they are left. Adults can cope with loss and move on. You will NOT die.
Codependents feel responsible for what everyone else is thinking or feeling or doing. They believe they can read minds and that others should be able to read theirs. What if we lived in a world where everyone was responsible for their own stuff? Obviously this would be a relief in that we wouldn't have to walk on eggshells all the time but for many codependents this is a threat. It is hard to trust others to be responsible, it is hard to trust they will want to stay if we don't control how everything goes in our lives.
Learning to have healthy boundaries is essential. This means physical, sexual and emotional/relational boundaries. If I am responsible only for myself, things change. If I accept and love who I am and don't dip into toxic shame when things don't turn out perfectly, or when people get angry with me I can feel more confortable in my own skin. This also means I don't jump up into grandiosity when things go wrong or make me uncomfortable. I don't need to be "less than", not do I need to be "better than" or "one up" on others. If I am "good enough" and accept others as they are then I get to decide who and when and where for everything in my life.
I can let people into my inner circle without worrying about whether or not they are safe because I trust myself to keep myself safe. If people treat me badly I can use my boundaries to protect myself. I don't need to keep up my guard all the time with everyone because I trust that I want the best for myself and will cherish myself enough to stay safe.
And I don't let people stay in my inner circle if they don't treat me with respect.
As Terry Real says, imagine an ornage peel as your boundaries. The white part on the inside is the boundary that contains you, keeps you from spilling out too much onto others with your anger, lust, anxiety, etc while the orange part of the peel is the boundary that protects you from others. People can say whatever they want about you but that doesn't make it true.
You can listen to what others say and understand that they are talking about their own perceptions rather than facts about you, and then you can get more curious about why they would think that way. And if you care about them, you want to understand so you help make things better between you. And you don't have to let their interpretations define who you are.
We also have to learn to own our interpretations of others and the world around us so that we are not going around dumping our thoughts and feelings onto others. We cannot expect others to treat us with respect if we aren't going to treat them with respect. It is easy to believe our emotional reactions to events are "the truth", and that others have intended to "make us feel" a certain way.
We each are always making up stories about what we hear, see, smell, taste and tounch based on our past experiences. This doesn't mean we are lying, it means we use what we know to make sense of what is happening around us. Sometimes we are right and sometimes not. We cannot depend on our interpretations to be factual in relationships because other people come from different life experiences and may have different meanings attached to events and motivation than the ones we grew up with.
I'll get into all of these issues in more depth in future blogs so I don't want to get bogged down in it here. What I hope to get across is the issues that confront Love Addicts/CoDependents and what some of the things they need to work on to start to feel better about themselves and have heathier and more satisfyingly respectful relationships.
Self esteem, healthy boundaries, respectful communication. Start anywhere and put one foot in front of the other and evolve.
Send me questions or thoughts...I'd love to get some feedback and ideas of what else to write about!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Having Trouble Sleeping?
www.care2.com/greenliving/why-you-need-sleep-and-how-to-get-more-of-it.html
Friday, March 12, 2010
Pia Mellody
I just spent the past two days in training with Pia Mellody learning more about helping people recover from childhood trauma. Lots of reminders of what I know and some good new things to ponder and add to my toolbox.
I've been listening to some of her lectures on CD and think she has a lot of helpful information to share about addictions and trauma and how people are shaped and impacted by their families.
If you want to learn more about what codependency is follow my book link and buy some of her books. She has another book called The Intimacy Factor which is also good that you can find there. I think her CDs about Love Addiction/Love Avoidance are also good as well as the books and CDs about Boundaries for Codependents.
I still plan to do some writing about codependency as soon as I get some time!
I've been listening to some of her lectures on CD and think she has a lot of helpful information to share about addictions and trauma and how people are shaped and impacted by their families.
If you want to learn more about what codependency is follow my book link and buy some of her books. She has another book called The Intimacy Factor which is also good that you can find there. I think her CDs about Love Addiction/Love Avoidance are also good as well as the books and CDs about Boundaries for Codependents.
I still plan to do some writing about codependency as soon as I get some time!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Follow Me!
All you have to do is click on the followers list on the right side of the blog towards the bottom and sign up for free to follow me!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Codependency
I have been thinking about writing some thoughts on codependency but I've been too busy to do it. What does that tell you??? Pretty funny when you think about it.
So I'll talk about facing my fear of public speaking instead.
Tonight I gave a talk to about 250 servicemen and women who have just returned from deployment. I was scheduled to do a powerpoint on Anger Management. I threw out the powerpoint. I think one more powerpoint in the day might just have put them over the edge. They applauded that one.
I'm pretty good just talking off the cuff but giving a "presentation" makes me nervous and my mind shuts down. So in the past I would write it all out in case I got the brain freeze thing going on. And what happens then? Monotony. Whenever I prepare a 30-60 minute talk I put enough together for a 10 week college course. I want it to be perfect...to tell people everything they could possibly want or need to know.
I have always wanted to be one of those people who can tell funny stories and say clever things that people want to write down and take home and put on their refrigerators.
As I was sitting with my group of colleagues, waiting to do my talk, I was hysterical! I had everyone laughing and interacting and we were having a great time. I told them how nervous I get doing these talks and they all gave me great ideas and encouraged me and said they'd be there to help and we got all excited about the show we could put on Some of the ideas were gutwrenchingly funny.
But by the time I had to go talk I was worn out. The soldiers were worn out too. I tried some of the ideas we had all talked about, lost track of time...I mean, I didn't know if I had been talking 5 minutes or 45! They couldn't hook my computer up to the projector so the idea of using a funny video as a way to start off the talk went straight into the trash.
When I got stuck I turned to my colleagues who gave me ideas of what o do next.
I had them roleplaying, shouting out ideas of what might help them deal with anger, I had them standing and doing stretches to loosen up the body parts they store their stress in...and they were laughing!
I left thinking I have just done the most disjointed presentation of the century (thankfully that's only 10 years now) and was met with compliments and comments from the staff that they hadn't heard them laughing and interacting so much....not just al day, but hardly ever.
So I took the leap of faith that my ability to "wing it" and be funny might actually fill up half an hour and I did it....not perfectly....but for some reason other people did not notice all the mistakes I made. And maybe some did but still thought it was a good time.
Maybe, with a little more practice, I can actually be so good at this that I don't lose consciousness out of fear, and people will have my quotes at home on their refrigerators after all.
So I'll talk about facing my fear of public speaking instead.
Tonight I gave a talk to about 250 servicemen and women who have just returned from deployment. I was scheduled to do a powerpoint on Anger Management. I threw out the powerpoint. I think one more powerpoint in the day might just have put them over the edge. They applauded that one.
I'm pretty good just talking off the cuff but giving a "presentation" makes me nervous and my mind shuts down. So in the past I would write it all out in case I got the brain freeze thing going on. And what happens then? Monotony. Whenever I prepare a 30-60 minute talk I put enough together for a 10 week college course. I want it to be perfect...to tell people everything they could possibly want or need to know.
I have always wanted to be one of those people who can tell funny stories and say clever things that people want to write down and take home and put on their refrigerators.
As I was sitting with my group of colleagues, waiting to do my talk, I was hysterical! I had everyone laughing and interacting and we were having a great time. I told them how nervous I get doing these talks and they all gave me great ideas and encouraged me and said they'd be there to help and we got all excited about the show we could put on Some of the ideas were gutwrenchingly funny.
But by the time I had to go talk I was worn out. The soldiers were worn out too. I tried some of the ideas we had all talked about, lost track of time...I mean, I didn't know if I had been talking 5 minutes or 45! They couldn't hook my computer up to the projector so the idea of using a funny video as a way to start off the talk went straight into the trash.
When I got stuck I turned to my colleagues who gave me ideas of what o do next.
I had them roleplaying, shouting out ideas of what might help them deal with anger, I had them standing and doing stretches to loosen up the body parts they store their stress in...and they were laughing!
I left thinking I have just done the most disjointed presentation of the century (thankfully that's only 10 years now) and was met with compliments and comments from the staff that they hadn't heard them laughing and interacting so much....not just al day, but hardly ever.
So I took the leap of faith that my ability to "wing it" and be funny might actually fill up half an hour and I did it....not perfectly....but for some reason other people did not notice all the mistakes I made. And maybe some did but still thought it was a good time.
Maybe, with a little more practice, I can actually be so good at this that I don't lose consciousness out of fear, and people will have my quotes at home on their refrigerators after all.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Comments to Readers
Hey Peoples!
Leave me some comments! Sign up as a follower! Give me ideas for something else to write about!
Leave me some comments! Sign up as a follower! Give me ideas for something else to write about!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
This Is Dedicated To The Father I Love
This weekend marks the eighth anniversary of my Dad's death. It was just about the stupidest thing that has ever happened in my life, I have to tell you. This incredibly healthy man, who cut one food after another out of his diet each time he read some article about its unhealthy attributes, until he was down to eating bagels with bananas sliced on them, went in for an angiogram and was told he had a lot of blockage in his arteries. The doctor said, "I hear you were shoveling snow off the roof last week. Don't do that anymore". And that was the beginning of the end.
He went in for surgery which they couldn't do because he had some scarring from a previous surgery they had to repair and scheduled the heart surgery for the next week. I felt like that was a bad omen. When he had the surgery they found the walls of his heart were very thin and they tore so when he came out of surgery they had to keep him under a few days. When he was conscious, they had trouble getting his lungs inflated. He was in the hospital 13 days. My mother and I stayed at the hospital for a few nights and were called in the middle of the night a few times for emergencies with him and we were so worried for him. I remember wanting to get him home where he belonged so we could take care of him and love him up and feed him good food. He looked so sad and unhappy in that hospital that it hurt my heart. We got him home and he died two days later. He was only 79 years old.
When I got the call in the middle of the night that he had been taken to the hospital I didn't understand, probably didn't even remember who I was since I don't do well being woken up in the middle of the night. When I got to the hospital my mother and sister greeted me at the door and told me he was dead and I couldn't believe it. We all gathered around him in the hospital, in shock, not knowing what to do. I went over to kiss him and remember thinking "you're not in this body anymore but I need to kiss it anyway". It was so surreal and odd. This body looked just like my dad but it was dead. Couldn't make sense of it.
I felt guilty that I had wanted him home...maybe we should have left him in the hospital longer so they could have saved him. I was angry at him that he hadn't fought harder, that he had allowed death to take him in such a passive way.
I had lost other people I loved in my life but no one this close, nothing quite as earth-shattering as this loss has been. It affected me and my family in ways that we have still not recovered from.
What I want to talk about really is the years that preceded his death and the work that he and I did on our relationship which I think helped me cope better with the loss in the end.
My dad was not a perfect man, nor was he the perfect father. During my childhood, in many ways we were very close and loving and in many ways there was a lot of pain caused by misunderstandings and powers we were not really aware of. He had gone through things in his life that had affected him and he strove to be a better person than his parents had been which in some ways made him less available to me emotionally than I needed as a child. We had good times and we had bad times like most fathers and daughters.
In my twenties, when I started to try to work on my own issues as a separate and independent adult, I found myself angry at him for things he had done that I perceived as weak or unloving or judgemental. Lucky for me, my father was a man I could talk to about these things. He'd share pieces of information with me that helped me understand him a little bit better and understand more about the choices he had made in life. But I was still too scared to talk about the big stuff.
It wasn't until after I got divorced in my thirties that we really got to work. Once again I was working on my issues at a deeper level and found myself feeling angry and resentful. I found it difficult to spend time with both my parents together for many reasons. I thought about it and decided that if I wanted to have good relationships with them I would have to see them, at least occasionally, one on one and try to build our relationships into something mutually loving and satisfying. It felt like I was breaking some big rules and I worried they would be hurt or angry and I did it anyway. Part of my desire to do this was that I thought about them dying some day and I wanted to make sure I was the best daughter I could be every day so that I would not feel guilty, or that I had missed opportunities when it was too late.
So I started seeing each of them once a month, out for lunch or a movie...anything that gave us time to get to know each other and work out our unfinished business. If I didn't call him I knew I'd get a call from my Dad just checking in to see how I was doing, once every week or two.
During my talks with my father he shared more and more about himself, he showed love and caring for me and in many ways he validated a lot of my experiences in childhood that helped me stop feeling so crazy. I was able to get to know him as a person and share my life with him. The anger melted away as I came to see him, accept who he was and feel accepted in return. He shared my desire to remove obstacles to the loving intimacy we desired and we worked hard and had great success.
When he was lying in the hospital bed, waiting for his angiogram, I went in alone to talk to him for a while. I needed so badly to say some things about how I was feeling but I didn't want to make him scared. I gulped and tried to breathe deeply and I said, "You know, I feel like I have you deeply inside of me but I am not ready to be without you." He thanked me for talking to him about this and said he was scared too and wasn't ready to go either.
No one can tell another person how to be the best person, the best person, the best friend, the best parent or the best child. Each person gets to decide for themselves what that would look like.
No one can tell you the right way to live your life and be in your relationships or what to do to make your life joyful and satisfying.
From my 55 years of life, 30 of which I have been offically a therapist, what I can do is share stories and information with you that I have learned from my own life and from the lives of all of the wonderfully trusting people who have been generous enough to share their lives and stories with me. I can tell you a bit about what others have done and what might work for you.
Everyone comes out of their childhood with unresolved issues from family experiences or other life experiences which have caused them pain or confusion. This unfinished business can get in the way of us feeling good about ourselves as well as keeping us from having satisfying healthy relationships with others.
Some people choose to not rock the boat and continue to follow the rules of their family system because they fear being alone or unloved and don't want to take the risk. Some people choose to totally separate from their families because they don't like them or feel they are toxic and unsafe to be around. Others choose to start their own family and focus there and be involved very little with their family of origin. And others, like me, choose to try to work things out and make their relationships as honest and healthy and free of leftover hurts as possible ( and sometimes we try too hard for too long and put others before our selves when we shouldn't).
When people choose to separate from their families they often get a lot of pressure from others as many people get uncomfortable with this notion. It's scary to consider cutting themselves adrift from family even though many people want to often enough. I had never heard this before moving to Minnesota but they will often hear, "....you better go back and try to work things out, what if they die before you get the chance...won't you feel bad then?" This leaves people feeling confused and guilty about their choice. And yet many families or family members are not easy to work things out with. You can't work on a relationship with someone who is abusive or emotionally unavailable, who doesn't take responsibility for their own piece of the problem, who is active in an addiction or who has untreated mental illness. You can't work things out with someone who doesn't want to. It takes two to tango. Sometimes more.
The first step in all of this is to take a good hard look at yourself. What is unfinished for you? What part did you have, if any, in the problems? Who do you need to work things out with? Are they a person that you could talk things over with, alone, with a professional? And finally, where would you like to be in your relationships and in your life?
You may be able to figure this out on your own or you might want to go talk to a counselor to help you sort things out.
Secondly you look at options for how to reach your goals. Do you change your behavior, set healthier boundaries and see if that can change the unhappy family interactions? Do you go directly to the person and try to address the problems in a respectful, non-accusing and non-shaming way? Do you invite the person or people into therapy with you to get the help of someone who is trained to help you communicate better?
When you think about what you want and need to do before someone dies, you have to think first about what you need from it. Are there things you have always wanted to say that you've been too scared or proud to say? Are there questions you've always wanted to ask but were scared to find out the answers? Are there activities or things you've always wanted to do with them but thought they'd think you were stupid or that they wouldn't want to do them with you?
Even though I thought a lot about it all and worked hard at it with my Dad, the end was a shock and knocked me on my ass. I cried every day for over a year. I missed him. I missed his phone calls and his dumb jokes. I missed talking to him about my life and my struggles even though I can tell you exactly what he would say about any of it.
As the years have gone on I have felt sad that he hasn't seen my kids grow up. He didn't get to meet the man of my dreams who came to me three years after my Dad died. He never got to see my beautiful grand-daughter.
It took another two years, three years after he died, before I stopped thinking of him every day. I would find myself in tears at the oddest times for no apparent reason (which my cousin told me are called "grief spurts").
I started talking to him right away. That has been a great comfort. Often times it was when I would be driving in my car and I would talk to him about what was going on and what I needed his help with. And I found I got the comfort and solace I needed. I highly recommend this to everyone.
Other people may be uncomfortable with your grief and say things about how you seem to be sad for an awful long time, but I have to say that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. No one has the right to tell you how to do it or how long to take. In fact, I think that when we fight it and try to "get over it", it takes longer and is harder to get over than if we let our selves grieve naturally.
We will have disbelief. I found myself saying over and over, "this is SO stupid!"
We will have guilt. No matter what we all feel it after a loss. It's a guaranteed reaction.
We will have anger. Rational or not, it just ain't right. Anger at ourselves, at them, at others, at God or anyone or anything that makes sense to us at the time.
And eventually we will weave this loss into the rest of our life and find a way to live again, without them.
I chose to work things out with my father and I was lucky that he was ready and willing to join in the process with me. I suffered at the loss of him and continue to miss him to this day. And I have chosen to weave his soulful being, his essence into me and my life so that I will never be parted from him.
For me, this is peace.
He went in for surgery which they couldn't do because he had some scarring from a previous surgery they had to repair and scheduled the heart surgery for the next week. I felt like that was a bad omen. When he had the surgery they found the walls of his heart were very thin and they tore so when he came out of surgery they had to keep him under a few days. When he was conscious, they had trouble getting his lungs inflated. He was in the hospital 13 days. My mother and I stayed at the hospital for a few nights and were called in the middle of the night a few times for emergencies with him and we were so worried for him. I remember wanting to get him home where he belonged so we could take care of him and love him up and feed him good food. He looked so sad and unhappy in that hospital that it hurt my heart. We got him home and he died two days later. He was only 79 years old.
When I got the call in the middle of the night that he had been taken to the hospital I didn't understand, probably didn't even remember who I was since I don't do well being woken up in the middle of the night. When I got to the hospital my mother and sister greeted me at the door and told me he was dead and I couldn't believe it. We all gathered around him in the hospital, in shock, not knowing what to do. I went over to kiss him and remember thinking "you're not in this body anymore but I need to kiss it anyway". It was so surreal and odd. This body looked just like my dad but it was dead. Couldn't make sense of it.
I felt guilty that I had wanted him home...maybe we should have left him in the hospital longer so they could have saved him. I was angry at him that he hadn't fought harder, that he had allowed death to take him in such a passive way.
I had lost other people I loved in my life but no one this close, nothing quite as earth-shattering as this loss has been. It affected me and my family in ways that we have still not recovered from.
What I want to talk about really is the years that preceded his death and the work that he and I did on our relationship which I think helped me cope better with the loss in the end.
My dad was not a perfect man, nor was he the perfect father. During my childhood, in many ways we were very close and loving and in many ways there was a lot of pain caused by misunderstandings and powers we were not really aware of. He had gone through things in his life that had affected him and he strove to be a better person than his parents had been which in some ways made him less available to me emotionally than I needed as a child. We had good times and we had bad times like most fathers and daughters.
In my twenties, when I started to try to work on my own issues as a separate and independent adult, I found myself angry at him for things he had done that I perceived as weak or unloving or judgemental. Lucky for me, my father was a man I could talk to about these things. He'd share pieces of information with me that helped me understand him a little bit better and understand more about the choices he had made in life. But I was still too scared to talk about the big stuff.
It wasn't until after I got divorced in my thirties that we really got to work. Once again I was working on my issues at a deeper level and found myself feeling angry and resentful. I found it difficult to spend time with both my parents together for many reasons. I thought about it and decided that if I wanted to have good relationships with them I would have to see them, at least occasionally, one on one and try to build our relationships into something mutually loving and satisfying. It felt like I was breaking some big rules and I worried they would be hurt or angry and I did it anyway. Part of my desire to do this was that I thought about them dying some day and I wanted to make sure I was the best daughter I could be every day so that I would not feel guilty, or that I had missed opportunities when it was too late.
So I started seeing each of them once a month, out for lunch or a movie...anything that gave us time to get to know each other and work out our unfinished business. If I didn't call him I knew I'd get a call from my Dad just checking in to see how I was doing, once every week or two.
During my talks with my father he shared more and more about himself, he showed love and caring for me and in many ways he validated a lot of my experiences in childhood that helped me stop feeling so crazy. I was able to get to know him as a person and share my life with him. The anger melted away as I came to see him, accept who he was and feel accepted in return. He shared my desire to remove obstacles to the loving intimacy we desired and we worked hard and had great success.
When he was lying in the hospital bed, waiting for his angiogram, I went in alone to talk to him for a while. I needed so badly to say some things about how I was feeling but I didn't want to make him scared. I gulped and tried to breathe deeply and I said, "You know, I feel like I have you deeply inside of me but I am not ready to be without you." He thanked me for talking to him about this and said he was scared too and wasn't ready to go either.
No one can tell another person how to be the best person, the best person, the best friend, the best parent or the best child. Each person gets to decide for themselves what that would look like.
No one can tell you the right way to live your life and be in your relationships or what to do to make your life joyful and satisfying.
From my 55 years of life, 30 of which I have been offically a therapist, what I can do is share stories and information with you that I have learned from my own life and from the lives of all of the wonderfully trusting people who have been generous enough to share their lives and stories with me. I can tell you a bit about what others have done and what might work for you.
Everyone comes out of their childhood with unresolved issues from family experiences or other life experiences which have caused them pain or confusion. This unfinished business can get in the way of us feeling good about ourselves as well as keeping us from having satisfying healthy relationships with others.
Some people choose to not rock the boat and continue to follow the rules of their family system because they fear being alone or unloved and don't want to take the risk. Some people choose to totally separate from their families because they don't like them or feel they are toxic and unsafe to be around. Others choose to start their own family and focus there and be involved very little with their family of origin. And others, like me, choose to try to work things out and make their relationships as honest and healthy and free of leftover hurts as possible ( and sometimes we try too hard for too long and put others before our selves when we shouldn't).
When people choose to separate from their families they often get a lot of pressure from others as many people get uncomfortable with this notion. It's scary to consider cutting themselves adrift from family even though many people want to often enough. I had never heard this before moving to Minnesota but they will often hear, "....you better go back and try to work things out, what if they die before you get the chance...won't you feel bad then?" This leaves people feeling confused and guilty about their choice. And yet many families or family members are not easy to work things out with. You can't work on a relationship with someone who is abusive or emotionally unavailable, who doesn't take responsibility for their own piece of the problem, who is active in an addiction or who has untreated mental illness. You can't work things out with someone who doesn't want to. It takes two to tango. Sometimes more.
The first step in all of this is to take a good hard look at yourself. What is unfinished for you? What part did you have, if any, in the problems? Who do you need to work things out with? Are they a person that you could talk things over with, alone, with a professional? And finally, where would you like to be in your relationships and in your life?
You may be able to figure this out on your own or you might want to go talk to a counselor to help you sort things out.
Secondly you look at options for how to reach your goals. Do you change your behavior, set healthier boundaries and see if that can change the unhappy family interactions? Do you go directly to the person and try to address the problems in a respectful, non-accusing and non-shaming way? Do you invite the person or people into therapy with you to get the help of someone who is trained to help you communicate better?
When you think about what you want and need to do before someone dies, you have to think first about what you need from it. Are there things you have always wanted to say that you've been too scared or proud to say? Are there questions you've always wanted to ask but were scared to find out the answers? Are there activities or things you've always wanted to do with them but thought they'd think you were stupid or that they wouldn't want to do them with you?
Even though I thought a lot about it all and worked hard at it with my Dad, the end was a shock and knocked me on my ass. I cried every day for over a year. I missed him. I missed his phone calls and his dumb jokes. I missed talking to him about my life and my struggles even though I can tell you exactly what he would say about any of it.
As the years have gone on I have felt sad that he hasn't seen my kids grow up. He didn't get to meet the man of my dreams who came to me three years after my Dad died. He never got to see my beautiful grand-daughter.
It took another two years, three years after he died, before I stopped thinking of him every day. I would find myself in tears at the oddest times for no apparent reason (which my cousin told me are called "grief spurts").
I started talking to him right away. That has been a great comfort. Often times it was when I would be driving in my car and I would talk to him about what was going on and what I needed his help with. And I found I got the comfort and solace I needed. I highly recommend this to everyone.
Other people may be uncomfortable with your grief and say things about how you seem to be sad for an awful long time, but I have to say that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. No one has the right to tell you how to do it or how long to take. In fact, I think that when we fight it and try to "get over it", it takes longer and is harder to get over than if we let our selves grieve naturally.
We will have disbelief. I found myself saying over and over, "this is SO stupid!"
We will have guilt. No matter what we all feel it after a loss. It's a guaranteed reaction.
We will have anger. Rational or not, it just ain't right. Anger at ourselves, at them, at others, at God or anyone or anything that makes sense to us at the time.
And eventually we will weave this loss into the rest of our life and find a way to live again, without them.
I chose to work things out with my father and I was lucky that he was ready and willing to join in the process with me. I suffered at the loss of him and continue to miss him to this day. And I have chosen to weave his soulful being, his essence into me and my life so that I will never be parted from him.
For me, this is peace.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Politically Correct
I had an interesting experience this week which made me think about a few things that I thought might be helpful to others to ponder on.
An old aquaintance and I had "friended up" in the past year on Facebook. We were all newly discovering FB and finding people we had lost touch with over the years. She was someone I had some mixed feelings about from our teen years but since we are now in our 50s I figured it would be ineteresting to catch up.
We did a little bit of writing back and forth but nothing much seemed to come of it. She did not have a presence on FB as far as I knew since I never saw her posting anything nor did I ever see her responding to anyone elses posts.
This week I got a very respectful email from her saying she was going to "defriend" (yes it is a new word in the dictionary this year) off of FB because she was having trouble with my posts about my workouts. Her reasons were these: #1 It was hard for her to read about my workouts while people are suffering in Haiti, #2 she has her own issues with weight and #3 she works with women who have eating disorders and thinks all of the press and focus on looking good are bad messages to be giving women.
She said she hoped I wouldn't be offended by this and that we could continue to be friends but that she was going to focus on using FB to fundraise money for Haiti.
This triggered a bit of shame initially which I talked my way out of and then I began to think about the whole issue...facebook....politics....what people think of us based on our actions vs who we believe ourselves to be.
If we have healthy boundaries we know that people can make up things about us all the time but it doesn't mean it's true.
In the year I have been doing the extreme workouts with P90X and Turbo Jam I have not really lost weight. There are times that this bothers me but mostly I am so proud of myself that I have the stamina to keep going and am able to tone up and get healthy in so many ways that I don't even really focus on the weight anymore. I feel good about myself.
When I talk to people about the products I am responding to their concerns about a number of issues: weight, heart health, stamina, and especially emotional health. People are feeling depressed and anxious and are having a hard time getting motivated to do anything to get themselves out of it. Research has shown that exercise plays a big part in helping people overcome anxiety and depression. Most people I know are not really hoping to end up looking like Barbie. They want to feel good about themselves, to be proud of their bodies and feel comfortable in their own skin. We don't have to look like Barbies to get there. Beachbody provides a sense of community that has helped me stay connected and motivated to keep on pushing play.
When I share a workout on FB I do so because I am proud that I have been able to workout at the level I am. And if sharing that helps someone else get excited about it, that would make me proud too.
I work hard in my job and put in a lot of hours and when I come home and push myself to work out hard I feel good to be me. I have felt more at peace, more relaxed and happy since I've been working hard at it.
I hope I am not giving women the idea that they have to be thin to be happy. I sure don't believe it myself so I hope that isn't the story people make up about me.
The next issue here that I find so interesting is politics. I think people can be very competitive and judgemental about their political beliefs and I have found that increasingly difficult to stomach.
My response to this aquaintance was that I believe I can be a good person, act responsibly in my politics and relationships and still take care of me. I do not believe I have to submerge myself in reading everything or give all my money away or spend every waking hour working on a political issue in order to call myself a good political activist.
I believe that most horrible things happen in the world out of greed and because people have been able to view other people, animals, countries etc as subhuman and less than themselves. I don't believe I can go out and effect change all by myself on these global issues and so I focus on what I can do.
In my personal ife I have made a commitment to be non-violent. That means I am committed to not being verbally violent to others and that I do not be violent inside my head to myself either. I work hard to say what I need to say to others while taking responsibility for my own interpretations of events and that I MAKE MYSELF have the feelings I have. I try to take the words "but" and "make me" out of my vocabulary.
I am not perfect and every time I work at it I see this as a POLITICAL ACT.
In my work with people I am helping them figure out their relationships and lives and feelings about themselves hoping to help them to be kinder to themselves and others. To accept themselves and be the best person they want to be.
We stumble and bumble and sometimes we fall and I see all of this as a POLITICAL ACT.
When I talk to a bunch of teenagers (as I did this morning) about how they feel about not being able to talk to their parents or about being bullied at school and I help them brainstorm options and support them to keep trying to stand up for themelves, I see it as a POLITICAL ACT.
When I make a call and talk to someone in customer service who is either rude or not helpful I could choose to get grandiose and be mean to them, to put them down and swear but instead I remember they are just another person who is trying to do their job and that they probably have people yelling at them all day (as that is the new phone etiquette).
When driving down the road and someone cuts me off, or doesn't let me merge, or is too busy talking on their cell phone to pay attention and they make mistakes, it would be easy to swear or give the the finger (or, as some do, try to run them off the road).
Here are some things I say to myself when others get grandiose with me or when I feel like going one-up on someone else:
We were all born naked (and equal). No one is inherently better or worth more than anyone else.
No one else can define me except me.
We all have to live on the planet together. We are cohabitants and depend on each other and deserve respect.
That could have been me, or
That could be my parent or grandparent driving and I'd want them to be able to function independently even tho they are slow and making mistakes
All of this I believe to be POLITICAL ACTS.
Sure, I give money and sign petitions. I post political issues on my FB for anyone who's interested. I talk to people about what I believe.
But my biggest political act, I believe, is to be the best person I want to be and to help others achieve the best for themselves.
Lastly, I see FB as a fun way to connect and keep in touch with people and let them know what I'm up to. It can be a fun way to get slaphappy taking dumb quizzes with your old childhood friends. It can be a way to make people aware of political issues, breaking news.....I like to share jokes and funny or beautiful videos. What I put on FB is an attempt to share who I am.
Anyone of us can block or "defriend" anyone at any time. If anyone decides they don't like who I am, or if they don't like reading my posts....they should feel free to put a block on me or defriend me altogether. We are all adults and have free will and I'd ahte to think anyone was keeping me as a friend because they were scared of my reaction.
Be the best person you want to be, take care of yourself and commit to nonviolence and respect in your life.
That's acting POLITICALLY!
An old aquaintance and I had "friended up" in the past year on Facebook. We were all newly discovering FB and finding people we had lost touch with over the years. She was someone I had some mixed feelings about from our teen years but since we are now in our 50s I figured it would be ineteresting to catch up.
We did a little bit of writing back and forth but nothing much seemed to come of it. She did not have a presence on FB as far as I knew since I never saw her posting anything nor did I ever see her responding to anyone elses posts.
This week I got a very respectful email from her saying she was going to "defriend" (yes it is a new word in the dictionary this year) off of FB because she was having trouble with my posts about my workouts. Her reasons were these: #1 It was hard for her to read about my workouts while people are suffering in Haiti, #2 she has her own issues with weight and #3 she works with women who have eating disorders and thinks all of the press and focus on looking good are bad messages to be giving women.
She said she hoped I wouldn't be offended by this and that we could continue to be friends but that she was going to focus on using FB to fundraise money for Haiti.
This triggered a bit of shame initially which I talked my way out of and then I began to think about the whole issue...facebook....politics....what people think of us based on our actions vs who we believe ourselves to be.
If we have healthy boundaries we know that people can make up things about us all the time but it doesn't mean it's true.
In the year I have been doing the extreme workouts with P90X and Turbo Jam I have not really lost weight. There are times that this bothers me but mostly I am so proud of myself that I have the stamina to keep going and am able to tone up and get healthy in so many ways that I don't even really focus on the weight anymore. I feel good about myself.
When I talk to people about the products I am responding to their concerns about a number of issues: weight, heart health, stamina, and especially emotional health. People are feeling depressed and anxious and are having a hard time getting motivated to do anything to get themselves out of it. Research has shown that exercise plays a big part in helping people overcome anxiety and depression. Most people I know are not really hoping to end up looking like Barbie. They want to feel good about themselves, to be proud of their bodies and feel comfortable in their own skin. We don't have to look like Barbies to get there. Beachbody provides a sense of community that has helped me stay connected and motivated to keep on pushing play.
When I share a workout on FB I do so because I am proud that I have been able to workout at the level I am. And if sharing that helps someone else get excited about it, that would make me proud too.
I work hard in my job and put in a lot of hours and when I come home and push myself to work out hard I feel good to be me. I have felt more at peace, more relaxed and happy since I've been working hard at it.
I hope I am not giving women the idea that they have to be thin to be happy. I sure don't believe it myself so I hope that isn't the story people make up about me.
The next issue here that I find so interesting is politics. I think people can be very competitive and judgemental about their political beliefs and I have found that increasingly difficult to stomach.
My response to this aquaintance was that I believe I can be a good person, act responsibly in my politics and relationships and still take care of me. I do not believe I have to submerge myself in reading everything or give all my money away or spend every waking hour working on a political issue in order to call myself a good political activist.
I believe that most horrible things happen in the world out of greed and because people have been able to view other people, animals, countries etc as subhuman and less than themselves. I don't believe I can go out and effect change all by myself on these global issues and so I focus on what I can do.
In my personal ife I have made a commitment to be non-violent. That means I am committed to not being verbally violent to others and that I do not be violent inside my head to myself either. I work hard to say what I need to say to others while taking responsibility for my own interpretations of events and that I MAKE MYSELF have the feelings I have. I try to take the words "but" and "make me" out of my vocabulary.
I am not perfect and every time I work at it I see this as a POLITICAL ACT.
In my work with people I am helping them figure out their relationships and lives and feelings about themselves hoping to help them to be kinder to themselves and others. To accept themselves and be the best person they want to be.
We stumble and bumble and sometimes we fall and I see all of this as a POLITICAL ACT.
When I talk to a bunch of teenagers (as I did this morning) about how they feel about not being able to talk to their parents or about being bullied at school and I help them brainstorm options and support them to keep trying to stand up for themelves, I see it as a POLITICAL ACT.
When I make a call and talk to someone in customer service who is either rude or not helpful I could choose to get grandiose and be mean to them, to put them down and swear but instead I remember they are just another person who is trying to do their job and that they probably have people yelling at them all day (as that is the new phone etiquette).
When driving down the road and someone cuts me off, or doesn't let me merge, or is too busy talking on their cell phone to pay attention and they make mistakes, it would be easy to swear or give the the finger (or, as some do, try to run them off the road).
Here are some things I say to myself when others get grandiose with me or when I feel like going one-up on someone else:
We were all born naked (and equal). No one is inherently better or worth more than anyone else.
No one else can define me except me.
We all have to live on the planet together. We are cohabitants and depend on each other and deserve respect.
That could have been me, or
That could be my parent or grandparent driving and I'd want them to be able to function independently even tho they are slow and making mistakes
All of this I believe to be POLITICAL ACTS.
Sure, I give money and sign petitions. I post political issues on my FB for anyone who's interested. I talk to people about what I believe.
But my biggest political act, I believe, is to be the best person I want to be and to help others achieve the best for themselves.
Lastly, I see FB as a fun way to connect and keep in touch with people and let them know what I'm up to. It can be a fun way to get slaphappy taking dumb quizzes with your old childhood friends. It can be a way to make people aware of political issues, breaking news.....I like to share jokes and funny or beautiful videos. What I put on FB is an attempt to share who I am.
Anyone of us can block or "defriend" anyone at any time. If anyone decides they don't like who I am, or if they don't like reading my posts....they should feel free to put a block on me or defriend me altogether. We are all adults and have free will and I'd ahte to think anyone was keeping me as a friend because they were scared of my reaction.
Be the best person you want to be, take care of yourself and commit to nonviolence and respect in your life.
That's acting POLITICALLY!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Career Dilemmas
If you know anyone who is searching for a job who could use a little direction or a place to have someone critique their resume, check out my friend, Lisa Thomas' website:
www.changeyourjob.us
Get on the newsletter list and get weekly information that helps you think through job seeking efforts and might inspire you to head in a different direction or give you new energy for the path you are already on.
Have her critique your resume and coach you on your job-seeking plans.
www.changeyourjob.us
Get on the newsletter list and get weekly information that helps you think through job seeking efforts and might inspire you to head in a different direction or give you new energy for the path you are already on.
Have her critique your resume and coach you on your job-seeking plans.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tart Cherry Bomb
Just a quick note: if you're looking for increased focus, energy, and natural pain relief...try our:
TART CHERRY BOMB !
1 scoop SPARK (see the link on my blog at right)
2 Tablespoons Tart Cherry Concentrate
2 teaspoons Wellese Joint Movement
Mix all in a 12 oz. bottle of water and drink!
This has helped with joint movement. Spark is sugar free and helps me perk up and focus naturally in the middle of the day without the irritating jitters of caffiene.
TART CHERRY BOMB !
1 scoop SPARK (see the link on my blog at right)
2 Tablespoons Tart Cherry Concentrate
2 teaspoons Wellese Joint Movement
Mix all in a 12 oz. bottle of water and drink!
This has helped with joint movement. Spark is sugar free and helps me perk up and focus naturally in the middle of the day without the irritating jitters of caffiene.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Stop Drinking Sodas and Sugary Drinks
Check out this article:
www.care2.com/causes/health-policy/blog/cant_lose_weight_sodas_dirty_little_secret/
I used to love my diet soda with a slice of lime until I learned what happens with aspertame. This video about sugary soft drinks makes the whole idea repulsive!
www.care2.com/causes/health-policy/blog/cant_lose_weight_sodas_dirty_little_secret/
I used to love my diet soda with a slice of lime until I learned what happens with aspertame. This video about sugary soft drinks makes the whole idea repulsive!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sleep, Wonderful Sleep.....
One of the biggest problems for most people's mental health is that they don't get enough sleep and the sleep they do get is not deep enough to give them restful sleep.
When we don't have enough sleep we have more anxiety, get more depressed and feel overwhelmed by things we can usually manage when we are well rested.
One of the first questions I ask people when they come to see me is if they are sleeping well. I'd say upwards of 80% report sleep problems of one kind or another. They either have trouble falling asleep or wake up repeatedly during the night and often can't fall back to sleep.
I found this interesting article that addresses some of the ways people sabotage their own sleep:
www.care2.com/greenliving/top-10-sleep-mistakes-and-their-solutions.html
Once you have a pattern of disrupted sleep it creates itself as a pattern and needs to be broken. Just like having depression over an extended period of time may change your body chemistry, so does lack of sleep.
Try getting yourself to sleep regularly for an extended period of time and see if that doesn't help improve your mood.
When we don't have enough sleep we have more anxiety, get more depressed and feel overwhelmed by things we can usually manage when we are well rested.
One of the first questions I ask people when they come to see me is if they are sleeping well. I'd say upwards of 80% report sleep problems of one kind or another. They either have trouble falling asleep or wake up repeatedly during the night and often can't fall back to sleep.
I found this interesting article that addresses some of the ways people sabotage their own sleep:
www.care2.com/greenliving/top-10-sleep-mistakes-and-their-solutions.htmlOnce you have a pattern of disrupted sleep it creates itself as a pattern and needs to be broken. Just like having depression over an extended period of time may change your body chemistry, so does lack of sleep.
Try getting yourself to sleep regularly for an extended period of time and see if that doesn't help improve your mood.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Working Out and Getting Fit
How does working out fit in with all of my beliefs? There are a several ways to approach this (I always say two and end up having more so now I just say "several").
ONE: To be honest, the #1 reason is that being fit makes me feel better about who I am. For most people, especially women, how they look determines a lot of how they feel about themselves. I am not saying that it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, but it certainly plays an important role.
TWO: I'd like to live a long life and all the research shows we live longer and happier lives if we take care of the body we live in.
THREE: Exercise and eating right helps me maintain peace and equilibrium emotionally. Having a regular workout, exerting physical energy balances me out and helps me feel more relaxed and calm the rest of the week.
FOUR: Working out and exercising is something I can share with others, whether it's dancing or doing my Beachbody workouts, I am able to do it with friends. Having good workout buddies can provide motivation for exercise as well as a fun way to share time.
In my life "exercise" seemed always to be something I HAD to do rather than something I DESIRED doing. Except for dancing. I'd make myself workout from time to time or get involved in some sport or go to aerobics classes. I never really enjoyed anything except the dancing.
West coast swing became my dance passion and I learned to enjoy running on an elliptical because I could listen to music and read so the hour went by quickly (less painful that way). Dancing was a great way to meet nice people, get out and socialize and burn calories. But actual down-and-dirty exercising seemed to be something that others did, not me.
So last February I was trying to get David motivated to work out and it seemed the only way to do it was to join him. We started P90X. I really did not think I would be able to do any of the workouts. Figured I'd just humor him and fake it long enough for him to get going. I decided to only do what I could do and not worry about it.
Not only was I capable of doing everything (except pullups and pushups initially), I found myself really enjoying the whole experience! My muscles were getting harder and I was finding muscles where I had never found them before. My back and neck pain got increasingly less annoying as I built up core strength. I was less anxious and felt more positive about my life.
In the past I had looked forward to coming home after a long day of work to knit and watch movies. I started coming home at 8 pm raring to go, ready to get my workout of the day in before going to bed.
Everything has only gotten easier. I spent some time doing the Turbo Jam series which is also a great workout and am now starting my third round of P90X. This time I am doing the Lean Plan, trying to keep building on my upper body strength so I can get even better at pushups (which I have been doing for a few months without needing to be on my knees).
I've done other video home exercise programs and never felt like I got this much out of it before. They keep my interest and every time I do a workout I learn more. Each time I reach a new level of mastery I hear the trainer's instructions differently and can push myself harder.
My goal is to tighten EVERYTHING up and maintain the tone so aging can be a more graceful experience.
We are so excited about the whole thing that we want to tell everyone about it and invite everyone to join us. We work out at home. Come join us! You want to work out with your friends and family somewhere else? Ask us and we'll come groove with you somewhere else!
ONE: To be honest, the #1 reason is that being fit makes me feel better about who I am. For most people, especially women, how they look determines a lot of how they feel about themselves. I am not saying that it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, but it certainly plays an important role.
TWO: I'd like to live a long life and all the research shows we live longer and happier lives if we take care of the body we live in.
THREE: Exercise and eating right helps me maintain peace and equilibrium emotionally. Having a regular workout, exerting physical energy balances me out and helps me feel more relaxed and calm the rest of the week.
FOUR: Working out and exercising is something I can share with others, whether it's dancing or doing my Beachbody workouts, I am able to do it with friends. Having good workout buddies can provide motivation for exercise as well as a fun way to share time.
In my life "exercise" seemed always to be something I HAD to do rather than something I DESIRED doing. Except for dancing. I'd make myself workout from time to time or get involved in some sport or go to aerobics classes. I never really enjoyed anything except the dancing.
West coast swing became my dance passion and I learned to enjoy running on an elliptical because I could listen to music and read so the hour went by quickly (less painful that way). Dancing was a great way to meet nice people, get out and socialize and burn calories. But actual down-and-dirty exercising seemed to be something that others did, not me.
So last February I was trying to get David motivated to work out and it seemed the only way to do it was to join him. We started P90X. I really did not think I would be able to do any of the workouts. Figured I'd just humor him and fake it long enough for him to get going. I decided to only do what I could do and not worry about it.
Not only was I capable of doing everything (except pullups and pushups initially), I found myself really enjoying the whole experience! My muscles were getting harder and I was finding muscles where I had never found them before. My back and neck pain got increasingly less annoying as I built up core strength. I was less anxious and felt more positive about my life.
In the past I had looked forward to coming home after a long day of work to knit and watch movies. I started coming home at 8 pm raring to go, ready to get my workout of the day in before going to bed.
Everything has only gotten easier. I spent some time doing the Turbo Jam series which is also a great workout and am now starting my third round of P90X. This time I am doing the Lean Plan, trying to keep building on my upper body strength so I can get even better at pushups (which I have been doing for a few months without needing to be on my knees).
I've done other video home exercise programs and never felt like I got this much out of it before. They keep my interest and every time I do a workout I learn more. Each time I reach a new level of mastery I hear the trainer's instructions differently and can push myself harder.
My goal is to tighten EVERYTHING up and maintain the tone so aging can be a more graceful experience.
We are so excited about the whole thing that we want to tell everyone about it and invite everyone to join us. We work out at home. Come join us! You want to work out with your friends and family somewhere else? Ask us and we'll come groove with you somewhere else!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Dragonfly Symbolism in My Life and Work
So, I had my first request for a topic. Someone asked me to talk a bit about why I have an affinity for dragonflies, why there is one on my blog and why they are all over my office.....
Actually I want to go back to my childhood, my earliest recollections of dragonflies are of fear. As a child I didn't know if they would hurt me like the other nasty flying bugs (mosquitoes and bees to name a couple) and so I avoided them.
Once I learned that they were harmless creatures I enjoyed watching them buzz around on a hot summer day as we swam and floated around on the lake at Circle Pines Center (my childhood summer camp). They were silent and moved so smoothly, they were beautiful to watch.
As an adult I started seeing beautiful artistic renditions of dragonflies and found myself drawn to the stirring beauty and colors. I started to collect pieces of art with dragonflies before I even knew about their significance. I was mesmerized and didn't know why.
A client referred me to some websites that talked about how dragonflies are created, how they live and what meaning this has had in various cultures:
Actually I want to go back to my childhood, my earliest recollections of dragonflies are of fear. As a child I didn't know if they would hurt me like the other nasty flying bugs (mosquitoes and bees to name a couple) and so I avoided them.
Once I learned that they were harmless creatures I enjoyed watching them buzz around on a hot summer day as we swam and floated around on the lake at Circle Pines Center (my childhood summer camp). They were silent and moved so smoothly, they were beautiful to watch.
As an adult I started seeing beautiful artistic renditions of dragonflies and found myself drawn to the stirring beauty and colors. I started to collect pieces of art with dragonflies before I even knew about their significance. I was mesmerized and didn't know why.
A client referred me to some websites that talked about how dragonflies are created, how they live and what meaning this has had in various cultures:
The meaning of a dragonfly changes with each culture. The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Dragonflies can also be a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. Also, as a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has – which is a lesson for all of us.
There are many different representations of the dragonfly; it all comes down to which culture you happen to be in. For instance, if you are in Japan, the dragonfly symbolizes a new light and joy. Some animal symbolism has the dragonfly representing good luck, prosperity, swiftness, purity, harmony and strength. Some Native Americans believe dragonflies are the souls of the dead. There are also many cultures that believe that the meaning of a dragonfly is happiness, courage and subconscious thoughts. It is also believed that if you see two dragonflies paired together that they represent love and maturity.
The dragonfly has been a symbol of happiness, new beginnings and
change for many centuries and even though the representation of the dragonfly seems to change throughout the cultures, there are still a few things that are similar; the dragonfly means hope, change and love.
change for many centuries and even though the representation of the dragonfly seems to change throughout the cultures, there are still a few things that are similar; the dragonfly means hope, change and love.
For several years before reading this I had been thinking about the evolutionary nature of life. How we are all in a process, oftentimes subconsciously moving towards growth and change. Even when we feel hopeless and helpless about our lives, our subconscious is always moving forward. Our subconscious always wants the best for us. It wants health and happiness even when we aren't sure we do....even when we don't know what that means ....even when we have given up hope. I have always said to myself and my clients, "trust your process"....We don't always have to be working so hard at growth and change...sometimes when we work too hard at it, we get in our own way and slow things down.
I have seen in my own life how much I learn every day, every month and year. I have seen how much I have been able to grow and learn and change. Each step I have taken towards health has paid off no matter how big a step it was, it moved me forwards.
I was able to make so much emotional growth over the years that I actually felt a metamorphosis had occurred. I had gone from darkness into light. I had come into my own. I found I could truly be the best person I wanted to be.
A dragonfly starts off in a tadpole-like state, underwater, in the dark, dependent on water for life. As it matures it comes into the light and discovers the powers it has within its own nature.
We all grow up in families, in cultures, in a world full of experiences that impact us in one way or another. This all shapes our view of the world and how we fit into it. As children we have no control over what happens to us and often no power to change anything. Our brains are not fully developed and we don't have enough life experience to make sense of it all. As we grow into adults we bring all of that with us. Some of it makes us happy and some of it leaves us feeling less than, incomplete, scared and hopeless.
Like dragonflies, we can come out of our tadpole state and step into the light and take flight. It takes strength and work to make it from one form into the other. We may need to ask for help from others to get there. Therapists. Spiritual thinkers. Books. Movies. Friends. Healers.
All you need is the desire and the willingness to take the next step....into light.
I Promise MOre Later...
Had a hard workout this morning and got ready to go out a face the cold. Meetings with a few old friends and when I get back I have some exciting thoughts to share...later!
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