I often talk about this in my work with clients. We take some kind of definition of ourselves that is formed before we are 18 years old...before our brains have even fully developed and then battle with it the rest of our lives!
At what point can we be the person we have been for many years post 18 and shed the old, and usually negative beliefs we have about ourselves?
http://kingskiddd1.com/2011/08/24/whose-label-are-you-wearing/
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New Rules of Dating, Old Rules of Dating
I believe that the original idea for dating was that people would go out and do activities together so they could get to know each others "real selves". This dating process allowed us to evaluate how we felt in relationship to different people, more about their true character and if we were getting enough from the relationship to decide to take it to the next level=a relationship.
Somewhere along the line...I think it was in middle schools and high schools...it became a shameful thing to date more than one person. The expectation was you met someone, liked them and became boyfriend and girlfriend to the exclusion of others. If you truly "dated", which would mean you were free to check out more than one person, you were labelled a slut, a whore, a player, a male whore....it was deemed a negative and an affront to all your friends.
So as we moved into adulthood we followed the same pattern: meet someone, fall into bed, or love or something and then become boyfriends and girlfriends right away. If we dared to date more than one person we'd feel bad and rushed (either by our own inner sense of urgency or by pressure from the other person)and feel we needed to pick one...hopefully "THE ONE".
And even though this did not work, over and over and over, we continue to do the same thing. We get so attached we feel we can't leave the relationship when it becomes clear it isn't good for us. We try to force the other person to be the person we want them to be. We try to fit the Square Peg in the Round Hole. It doesn't work.
I advocate that we go back to the true art of dating. Just date. Date as many people as you want at one time. Date them all until you don't like someone. Then drop them. If you find someone else, start dating them too. Do this for months, or years...it doesn't matter how long, until you meet someone who is really compatible, who likes you the way you are, who treats you well, who has the same goals in life, who shares your values.
A few weeks ago I was discussing this with a client who is trying to get it right, this time. He got a little distressed because, as we discussed these ideas, he realized this meant he couldn't be sexual or physically intimate with the women he was dating.
If we are going to do this Respectful Dating, we can't go around being physically intimate with the people we are dating until we decide that we want to be in a committed relationship. If you feel you need to have sex, go have a one night stand with someone you don't want to date. But you can't "DATE" and have sex.
Even if both people say they are OK with having sex without commitment, it changes up the dynamics and changes up how well you can really see the person and their character.
Both men and women get attached when they have sex with someone. Sometimes that scares people and they start pushing the other person away and sometimes it makes people get more involved than they would want to be at that stage of the relationship. So even when people say they are OK with sex without commitment, they are each thinking "obviously this person really likes me or they wouldn't be having sex with me", and they start putting all their emotional eggs in that basket.
It isn't fair. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to them.
This really hit my client and he realized he has really not been as respectful as he would like to be in his relationships and is feeling challenged to do it differently.
What's the big rush about anyway? Are you worried that if you can't get the person into bed you'll lose them to someone else? If this was the person's true character what would you want them around for anyway!
So think about changing up how you approach the whole dating thing. If you aren't in high school anymore do you need to live by that jaded rule book anymore? If you are in high school wouldn't you love to be the maverick who challenges the status quo and help yourself and others find a more respectful way to have relationships?
I hope this stirs up some good conversations. Please share thoughts and comments and questions with me!
Somewhere along the line...I think it was in middle schools and high schools...it became a shameful thing to date more than one person. The expectation was you met someone, liked them and became boyfriend and girlfriend to the exclusion of others. If you truly "dated", which would mean you were free to check out more than one person, you were labelled a slut, a whore, a player, a male whore....it was deemed a negative and an affront to all your friends.
So as we moved into adulthood we followed the same pattern: meet someone, fall into bed, or love or something and then become boyfriends and girlfriends right away. If we dared to date more than one person we'd feel bad and rushed (either by our own inner sense of urgency or by pressure from the other person)and feel we needed to pick one...hopefully "THE ONE".
And even though this did not work, over and over and over, we continue to do the same thing. We get so attached we feel we can't leave the relationship when it becomes clear it isn't good for us. We try to force the other person to be the person we want them to be. We try to fit the Square Peg in the Round Hole. It doesn't work.
I advocate that we go back to the true art of dating. Just date. Date as many people as you want at one time. Date them all until you don't like someone. Then drop them. If you find someone else, start dating them too. Do this for months, or years...it doesn't matter how long, until you meet someone who is really compatible, who likes you the way you are, who treats you well, who has the same goals in life, who shares your values.
A few weeks ago I was discussing this with a client who is trying to get it right, this time. He got a little distressed because, as we discussed these ideas, he realized this meant he couldn't be sexual or physically intimate with the women he was dating.
If we are going to do this Respectful Dating, we can't go around being physically intimate with the people we are dating until we decide that we want to be in a committed relationship. If you feel you need to have sex, go have a one night stand with someone you don't want to date. But you can't "DATE" and have sex.
Even if both people say they are OK with having sex without commitment, it changes up the dynamics and changes up how well you can really see the person and their character.
Both men and women get attached when they have sex with someone. Sometimes that scares people and they start pushing the other person away and sometimes it makes people get more involved than they would want to be at that stage of the relationship. So even when people say they are OK with sex without commitment, they are each thinking "obviously this person really likes me or they wouldn't be having sex with me", and they start putting all their emotional eggs in that basket.
It isn't fair. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to them.
This really hit my client and he realized he has really not been as respectful as he would like to be in his relationships and is feeling challenged to do it differently.
What's the big rush about anyway? Are you worried that if you can't get the person into bed you'll lose them to someone else? If this was the person's true character what would you want them around for anyway!
So think about changing up how you approach the whole dating thing. If you aren't in high school anymore do you need to live by that jaded rule book anymore? If you are in high school wouldn't you love to be the maverick who challenges the status quo and help yourself and others find a more respectful way to have relationships?
I hope this stirs up some good conversations. Please share thoughts and comments and questions with me!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Gratitude by Melody Beattie 8/1 (And my comments)
We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Today I think of this in two ways. What comes to mind is that in dealing with some frustrating situations with clients I have to take a step back from my personal reactions and both think more about what they are struggling with....that they are allowing me to help them on their journey to health and that being grateful for that can enable me to be more helpful, and also that I find people in my personal life to be in a different place than I am right now.
The past couple of days have been a struggle trying to help some kids. They seem to be more rewarded by their struggle and the attention it gives them than in hearing the helpful messages we all are trying to give them. Through this I am grateful to be learning more about what they are needing so I can be a better therapist.
In the personal realm I often feel barraged by other people's feelings and sense of pain in their world that I do not feel in mine. I don't want to live like that anymore and am grateful that I have found a way to be happy and focus on my cup which is more than half full. I wish I could give them this gift.
Again they don't want it from me right now and I have to find a way to back off, keep up my healthy boundaries and maintain the happiness I feel.
I am grateful today for having healthy boundaries at home and at work.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Today I think of this in two ways. What comes to mind is that in dealing with some frustrating situations with clients I have to take a step back from my personal reactions and both think more about what they are struggling with....that they are allowing me to help them on their journey to health and that being grateful for that can enable me to be more helpful, and also that I find people in my personal life to be in a different place than I am right now.
The past couple of days have been a struggle trying to help some kids. They seem to be more rewarded by their struggle and the attention it gives them than in hearing the helpful messages we all are trying to give them. Through this I am grateful to be learning more about what they are needing so I can be a better therapist.
In the personal realm I often feel barraged by other people's feelings and sense of pain in their world that I do not feel in mine. I don't want to live like that anymore and am grateful that I have found a way to be happy and focus on my cup which is more than half full. I wish I could give them this gift.
Again they don't want it from me right now and I have to find a way to back off, keep up my healthy boundaries and maintain the happiness I feel.
I am grateful today for having healthy boundaries at home and at work.
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