Sometimes in life we just have to be patient.
When I was younger I thought I could control more...no, actually I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right. If anything in the world might could be wrong or go wrong somehow it was my job to make it better.
As I have traveled through life I have not only learned that it is NOT my job, but also that I can't control things anyway, and furthermore, it is not always in my or others interests for me to do so anyway.
People used to quote that saying, "If you love someone, set them free. If it is meant to be they will come back to you...." and I thought it was a load of crap. It was one of those sayings that you are supposed to believe but don't because the need was so great you couldn't let go of wanting it, right? And then I'd doubt myself and think maybe that is really how I should think if I was a good and healthy person.
We can no more control these feelings than end world hunger when we are up to our necks in the emotions of it. Being told, or telling ourselves that we should think and act and feel differently will go over our heads until we work through some issues for ourselves.
Our shame about our imperfections, our selves, creates a need to try to control and make everything right. Failing to do so increases our shame and feelings of imperfection. It is a downward spiral until we deal with our shame and find a way to like and even love ourselves.
Once we love and respect ourselves it gets easier to love and respect others. To allow them to live their lives the way they see fit. We no longer need to control for outcomes in relationships, in our lives. We recognize the value of allowing others to find their own way....we can enjoy them so much more when they are there of their own volition, fully there with us.
And if we love and respect ourselves we can also trust ourselves and believe that we can handle whatever comes our way.
We can be patient.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Gossip May 26
Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Loving Ourselves Unconditionally
Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Effective Parenting
By Bethany Winkel - May 4th 2011
Parenting is hard work. There are countless how-to books that give parents all sorts of advice on the best methods to raising their kids. But new parents aren’t required to take a test or become licensed, and actually, many people become parents without really being prepared. Even well-meaning parents, however, can end up with children that abuse alcohol or drugs, and these parents often wonder where they went wrong.
Some parents make idle threats to their kids or become wishy-washy when trying to discipline. Other parents take the opposite approach and become degrading toward their children, using overly harsh punishments and even abuse. Both of these types of extreme parenting are more likely to produce children that abuse drugs or alcohol.
Parents That Are Too Lenient
Sometimes we as parents forget to follow through with discipline, or we don’t realize how important it is. Some parents make threats to punish their child for offenses, but seldom carry them out when the child disobeys. Other parents don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings or cause conflict by scolding or punishing, so they let their child get away with anything. This type of parenting naturally produces kids and teens that think they can do what they want. Many of these kids see their parents more as friends than parents, and they may be the teens that openly do drugs or drink because they know their parents won’t care.
Parents need to set rules before their child gets to be a teenager, and follow through with appropriate punishments, in order to lay the groundwork for the difficult teenage years. Kids need to know that drugs and alcohol are absolutely not allowed, and that there are consequences to substance abuse.
Overly Strict Parents
Other parents jump on their kids for the smallest mistakes and continuously talk down to their children. A child whose parents are nagging all the time, setting unnecessarily strict rules, and even using abuse as punishment may also turn to substance abuse. These kids tend to feel so oppressed that at the first chance to rebel, they do so. Sometimes the kids will try drugs or alcohol to get away from their dysfunctional home, or to cause their parents pain. Others feel so hurt and abused already that getting in trouble for substance abuse can’t be much worse than what they already experience.
Sensible Parenting
A conscientious parent will set firm, but fair rules, and teach their child to follow them. Parents should talk with their child about drug and alcohol abuse, and make the consequences to breaking the rules very clear. However, parents should have these kinds of talks with their child in a loving way, and help their child see the reasons behind the rules. Parents should explain the dangers of substance abuse, and help their child see that these rules are for their own good. Parenting is difficult, but by taking a step back and looking at what kind of parent we are, we can help our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and substance-free.
Parenting is hard work. There are countless how-to books that give parents all sorts of advice on the best methods to raising their kids. But new parents aren’t required to take a test or become licensed, and actually, many people become parents without really being prepared. Even well-meaning parents, however, can end up with children that abuse alcohol or drugs, and these parents often wonder where they went wrong.
Some parents make idle threats to their kids or become wishy-washy when trying to discipline. Other parents take the opposite approach and become degrading toward their children, using overly harsh punishments and even abuse. Both of these types of extreme parenting are more likely to produce children that abuse drugs or alcohol.
Parents That Are Too Lenient
Sometimes we as parents forget to follow through with discipline, or we don’t realize how important it is. Some parents make threats to punish their child for offenses, but seldom carry them out when the child disobeys. Other parents don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings or cause conflict by scolding or punishing, so they let their child get away with anything. This type of parenting naturally produces kids and teens that think they can do what they want. Many of these kids see their parents more as friends than parents, and they may be the teens that openly do drugs or drink because they know their parents won’t care.
Parents need to set rules before their child gets to be a teenager, and follow through with appropriate punishments, in order to lay the groundwork for the difficult teenage years. Kids need to know that drugs and alcohol are absolutely not allowed, and that there are consequences to substance abuse.
Overly Strict Parents
Other parents jump on their kids for the smallest mistakes and continuously talk down to their children. A child whose parents are nagging all the time, setting unnecessarily strict rules, and even using abuse as punishment may also turn to substance abuse. These kids tend to feel so oppressed that at the first chance to rebel, they do so. Sometimes the kids will try drugs or alcohol to get away from their dysfunctional home, or to cause their parents pain. Others feel so hurt and abused already that getting in trouble for substance abuse can’t be much worse than what they already experience.
Sensible Parenting
A conscientious parent will set firm, but fair rules, and teach their child to follow them. Parents should talk with their child about drug and alcohol abuse, and make the consequences to breaking the rules very clear. However, parents should have these kinds of talks with their child in a loving way, and help their child see the reasons behind the rules. Parents should explain the dangers of substance abuse, and help their child see that these rules are for their own good. Parenting is difficult, but by taking a step back and looking at what kind of parent we are, we can help our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and substance-free.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Self Love 5/16/11 (From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie)
"I woke up this morning and I had a hard time for a while," said one recovering man. "Then I realized it was because I wasn't liking myself very much." Recovering people often say: "I just don't like myself. When will I start liking myself?".
The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical towards ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves might require dedicated effort.
But what a valuable venture!
By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.
We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.
Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed will enough.
We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.
We can commit to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.
We can recognize that we are deserving of love.
We can do loving things for ourselves.
We can love other people and let them love us.
People who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.
Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.
The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical towards ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves might require dedicated effort.
But what a valuable venture!
By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.
We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.
Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed will enough.
We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.
We can commit to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.
We can recognize that we are deserving of love.
We can do loving things for ourselves.
We can love other people and let them love us.
People who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.
Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother Love
Today is the day we show our love to our mother, right? They set up this day just in case we forgot to show love the rest of the year, right?
So we were driving with my mother (who I see every weekend) out to the Apple store for a two hour tutorial on how to use her laptop, iPad and iPod Touch more effectively, when we see it. A big shiny black streeeettttcccchhhh limo gliding alongside out little Honda Fit. And the question came to me..."do those people really love their mother more than I love mine?" I mean, wow, that limo was a huge mother (no pun intended) and must've cost them a mint, right?
Is how much we love people directly proportionate to how much we spend on them?
How do people show their love? What if the way you like to show love isn't felt like love to the other person? Does that mean you love them less or does that make them ungrateful?
Me? I show my love for my mother by being there. Not just physically, although I do that too. I mean I show up. We talk about books and movies and relationships and feelings and ideas and memories. And we have fought out crap that gets in the way of our love flowing. We have fought and fought and fought until we got it right. I bring me..... and I stay.
I believe this matters most to her and it is most satisfying for us both.
If you love someone, anyone, show up....fight it out...and stay.
So we were driving with my mother (who I see every weekend) out to the Apple store for a two hour tutorial on how to use her laptop, iPad and iPod Touch more effectively, when we see it. A big shiny black streeeettttcccchhhh limo gliding alongside out little Honda Fit. And the question came to me..."do those people really love their mother more than I love mine?" I mean, wow, that limo was a huge mother (no pun intended) and must've cost them a mint, right?
Is how much we love people directly proportionate to how much we spend on them?
How do people show their love? What if the way you like to show love isn't felt like love to the other person? Does that mean you love them less or does that make them ungrateful?
Me? I show my love for my mother by being there. Not just physically, although I do that too. I mean I show up. We talk about books and movies and relationships and feelings and ideas and memories. And we have fought out crap that gets in the way of our love flowing. We have fought and fought and fought until we got it right. I bring me..... and I stay.
I believe this matters most to her and it is most satisfying for us both.
If you love someone, anyone, show up....fight it out...and stay.
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