If you are a "deep thinker", you are always trying to make your relationships better.
What could I do better? What could my partner or loved one do better? What dynamics are at play that are not working for us?
It's important to know that no matter how smart you are, nor how hard you try, you cannot work on a relationship if someone is active in their addiction or if there is untreated depression, mental health issues or an affair going on. That person's body is there but their soul and mind and energy are elsewhere.
Sometimes we aren't conscious that these issues exist nor do we admit how much they have been affecting our relationships and our life. We think maybe we did something wrong or not enough of the right things and try and try and try to do things differently. When it doesn't work we either get down on ourselves or the other person.
It is also true that the other person often blames us for the problems in the relationship, or how bad they feel or for their bad behavior. My guess is that this is due to the shame they are feeling somewhere inside that they are trying to avoid. It is a much more comfortable place to be: grandiosity, than in toxic shame when we know we have not been doing the right things to the ones we love.
Guess what? We can't fix it. This is their gig and all we can do is encourage them to get help and then back off and set healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves. And, if you are the one with the untreated issues, get yourself some help.
Any questions or comments? Feel free to email me: Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Changing And Controlling Those We Say We Love
Oftentimes I have people in my office talking about their relationships and I see them trying to force the other person to be what they want them to be and being continually disappointed in what they get. They feel wronged by the other person because they aren't getting what they need.
Sometimes they don't ask for what they need and then pout and sit around all victimy when they don't get it. Not fair.
Sometimes they say the person "used to" do something they aren't doing anymore and they want the old person back. Not fair.
Sometimes this gets violent verbally or physically. Not fair, or respectful.
People change. Sometimes the person they were initially wasn't the real them and sometimes they have made a change in who they are over time. They have the right to change who they are, how they act, to change their minds, and what they want. If we don't like it we can decide to leave but we don't have the right to make anyone be what we want them to be.
If you are feeling hurt by someone's changes, make a decision. It is not ok to "offend from a victim position" and abuse or try to control another person. It is still offending even if you believe you were wronged first.
We have to take responsibility for asking for what we want in relationships and negotiating about it without feeling entitled to have everything the way we want. And then, if we decide we are not able to get enough, we have to end it with respect.
We can't get everything we want in any relationship so we have to decide if what we get is good enough that it's worth grieving for what we don't get, to stay. If not, it isn't fair to ourselves or others to stay and keep demanding something else that they can't be happy giving.
It is generally true that people who are trying to change and control others are "love dependent" and addicted to the person they are in a relationship with. Usually this is because they are "shame-based" and do not feel whole without the other person and need everything to be a certain way in order to feel safe. They feel as they cannot live without the other person and their love and if anything changes it might mean they are going to lose them which would feel like death.
Another person cannot fill the hole we feel inside. That can only be filled by fixing our old hurts and gaining our own self esteem.
Once we've done that work our relationships with others feel safer and more satisfying. It is easier to be sure that others love us when we know we are loveable. When our partners are scared to say no to us, we can't trust them really, can we? If they can't say 'NO" how can we trust their 'YES'?
Sometimes they don't ask for what they need and then pout and sit around all victimy when they don't get it. Not fair.
Sometimes they say the person "used to" do something they aren't doing anymore and they want the old person back. Not fair.
Sometimes this gets violent verbally or physically. Not fair, or respectful.
People change. Sometimes the person they were initially wasn't the real them and sometimes they have made a change in who they are over time. They have the right to change who they are, how they act, to change their minds, and what they want. If we don't like it we can decide to leave but we don't have the right to make anyone be what we want them to be.
If you are feeling hurt by someone's changes, make a decision. It is not ok to "offend from a victim position" and abuse or try to control another person. It is still offending even if you believe you were wronged first.
We have to take responsibility for asking for what we want in relationships and negotiating about it without feeling entitled to have everything the way we want. And then, if we decide we are not able to get enough, we have to end it with respect.
We can't get everything we want in any relationship so we have to decide if what we get is good enough that it's worth grieving for what we don't get, to stay. If not, it isn't fair to ourselves or others to stay and keep demanding something else that they can't be happy giving.
It is generally true that people who are trying to change and control others are "love dependent" and addicted to the person they are in a relationship with. Usually this is because they are "shame-based" and do not feel whole without the other person and need everything to be a certain way in order to feel safe. They feel as they cannot live without the other person and their love and if anything changes it might mean they are going to lose them which would feel like death.
Another person cannot fill the hole we feel inside. That can only be filled by fixing our old hurts and gaining our own self esteem.
Once we've done that work our relationships with others feel safer and more satisfying. It is easier to be sure that others love us when we know we are loveable. When our partners are scared to say no to us, we can't trust them really, can we? If they can't say 'NO" how can we trust their 'YES'?
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