Every day I talk to people who are frustrated with their attempts to find the right person to date and join in a satisfying intimate relationship.
I try to help them sort out all the different variables that are impacting their patterns of choice. Want to learn more?
There are a few things that help people free themselves from the shackles of their bad dating patterns:
1. Look at what you've brought into your relationships; biases, belief systems, behaviors, etc. How are they working for you? What can you change?
2. Look at what kinds of people you have been choosing and figure out why and if those choices have been working for you. What can you change?
3. Find a good support system to go over your dating experiences with. Oh...and listen to them!
These are the areas my new Dating Program will be dealing with. So keep tuned in. Sign up for the RSS Feed in the orange box to be notified of new blogs and writings.
Go to http://www.yourtango.com/experts/Evowoman and follow me as one of their experts.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
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Online Dating: Setting Boundaries
Often the idea of these first blind dates can be terrifying. You don't know what to expect, worry about whether or not the person will like you or if you'll be lucky enough to meet someone you might like. How should you act? What should you wear? Where should you go? How can you make sure you're safe?
My recommendation is to set up your own boundaries and expectations about dating before you even make the first contact. And be yourself. Be yourself even more on the first dates than you might be in your daily life.
Decide which times you have available during the week to go on a date ahead of time and don't change it when the other person's schedule doesn't match up....look at the next week if nothing works this week. There should not be a sense of urgency. If there is that should raise red flags for you. What's the hurry?
Decide ahead of time which places you think would be comfortable for you to meet a stranger on a first, second or third date. While you can be open to other suggestions it is always good to be clear in your own mind what you will feel comfortable with. If you are a person who finds herself/himself always giving in to others, you might decide that it is not an option, initially, to negotiate.
Decide ahead of time what your time limit will be for the date. Generally, even if you really like someone, you don't need more than 1 1/2-2 hours on a first date. Sometimes when people really hit it off they want to let the first date go on and on and sometimes a short meeting for coffee stretches out to dinner and then to drinks and then to bed. Not really the best way for a relationship to start off, we all agree and know that, right? Easy to do though.
But if you really want to start off right and find a good person, stick to your limits and expect them to stick to theirs.
Decide ahead of time how much time you think is good between date #1 and date #2 and how much texting and phone talking and emailing you think is healthy or comfortable for you and stick to it.
Talk openly and honestly about who you are. Resist the temptation to "be the person they might want" and let it all hang out. If they are going to like you for who you are in a long term relationship, let them know now who you really are.
Once you are clear about what qualities and characteristics you are looking for, write yourself up a checklist and when you get back from your first dates go through the checklist and see whether or not the person you went on the date with fits or not. If there are a lot of things that don't match up but you really liked the person, think about what that really means. Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't have some or most of the qualities that are important to you???
As always I appreciate your feedback and requests for topics for my blogs!
My recommendation is to set up your own boundaries and expectations about dating before you even make the first contact. And be yourself. Be yourself even more on the first dates than you might be in your daily life.
Decide which times you have available during the week to go on a date ahead of time and don't change it when the other person's schedule doesn't match up....look at the next week if nothing works this week. There should not be a sense of urgency. If there is that should raise red flags for you. What's the hurry?
Decide ahead of time which places you think would be comfortable for you to meet a stranger on a first, second or third date. While you can be open to other suggestions it is always good to be clear in your own mind what you will feel comfortable with. If you are a person who finds herself/himself always giving in to others, you might decide that it is not an option, initially, to negotiate.
Decide ahead of time what your time limit will be for the date. Generally, even if you really like someone, you don't need more than 1 1/2-2 hours on a first date. Sometimes when people really hit it off they want to let the first date go on and on and sometimes a short meeting for coffee stretches out to dinner and then to drinks and then to bed. Not really the best way for a relationship to start off, we all agree and know that, right? Easy to do though.
But if you really want to start off right and find a good person, stick to your limits and expect them to stick to theirs.
Decide ahead of time how much time you think is good between date #1 and date #2 and how much texting and phone talking and emailing you think is healthy or comfortable for you and stick to it.
Talk openly and honestly about who you are. Resist the temptation to "be the person they might want" and let it all hang out. If they are going to like you for who you are in a long term relationship, let them know now who you really are.
Once you are clear about what qualities and characteristics you are looking for, write yourself up a checklist and when you get back from your first dates go through the checklist and see whether or not the person you went on the date with fits or not. If there are a lot of things that don't match up but you really liked the person, think about what that really means. Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't have some or most of the qualities that are important to you???
As always I appreciate your feedback and requests for topics for my blogs!
Online Dating: Writing The Profile
When you look at the millions of profiles on Match.com or eHarmony or OKCupid.com or any of the websites out there attempting to match you up with the person of your dreams, what do you see? Is there anything in the profile that stands out, that helps you feel as if you can really "see" that person?
Most people write profiles that sound pretty much like everyone elses. They dryly list off some superficial things that they are looking for, generic, cookie-cutter descriptions that anyone can make themselves believe they fit into...or not. What they like to do, if they are athletic or not (which really means where they are weightwise), if family or religion are important, what they do for a living, etc.
(I remember back in the 90s when I was just starting to date after my divorce, it seemed like 99% of the men wrote something like, "I like to drink a glass of wine by the fire and take walks along the ocean"....and we were in Minnesota! I definitely did NOT want to date those guys! It was as if they were saying "I'm not really very interesting and so I'm going to tell women what I think they want to hear." Ugh! Boring!)
You could close your eyes and point randomly for all the good it does to help you cull out who might be an interesting person to date. These kinds of profile seem to be the most popular and yet tell you the least about who the person really is.
If you've been out in the dating scene for a while, or not, you know it can be difficult to get to know someone. It can take months before you really know who the person is, what they're like in their real lives. And often, by the time you do, even if what you find out is bad, you've gotten too attached and don't know how to let them go with grace. I always say it takes at least Four Seasons to really get to know someone.
I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to be as clear as we can be, up front, about who we are and what we are looking for. I always say that we want to write our profiles so that we encourage and entice the kind of person we are looking for and discourage the kind of people we do not want to meet.
If your profile is bland and indirect what will attract people to you and what kind of people will be out looking to find out more? If your profile says nothing very real or personal then the people who contact you are either looking for someone who doesn't have too much of their own personality or they are simply looking at your photo and liking the way you look. Maybe they are looking for someone who won't be direct so maybe they want you to be passive and malleable?
Think about what kind of person you want to attract and think about what you most want someone to know about you. If you are a woman and you have had trouble with men who try to control you, for instance, what could you write about yourself that would discourage these kind of men from contacting you?
"While I enjoy partnership in my relationships, I like to maintain my own opinions and enjoy my independent time with friends and other activities. I don't need to be with someone 24/7".
If you are a man who has a pattern of attaching to women who are emotionally unavailable and lack commitment:
"I enjoy connection and emotional intimacy and am looking for someone who has a high tolerance for relationality, who is ready to commit to someone once they've checked them out sufficiently".
For women who tend to find men who are emotionally unavailable:
"It is important to me to verbally process my relationships with my partner and would like to find someone who shares this value".
You can also make statements about what kind of relationship or what relationship values you want someone to share:
"I want someone who is willing to look at their own issues and doesn't blame everyone else for what happens in their life."
"I want someone who has skills at problem solving and is committed to working on issues with their partner, who doesn't run away when tough issues come up...because they always do."
I think it pays to be very honest in a profile. Let people know if weight is an issue or if you have health issues. It will come up and then, if the other person feels caught off guard or lied to, they will likely not want another date and you will have set yourself up for feeling hurt and rejected. Why do that to yourself???
What do you have to lose? Lots of failed dates where you end up feeling crappy about yourself? I think most of us could do without that!!
I work with my clients a lot on this profile writing piece as I believe it is a crucial part of dating smarter. It helps to shortcut the process and cull out people who you wouldn't fit with or who won't really be into you. The clearer you are about who you are, what you want and don't want, the more information it gives to prospective dates so they can choose more wisely. And if someone reads your profile full of this and still wants to date you it probably means they have been doing some of their own work and might have more to offer to you in a relationship over time.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and requests for new blogs!
Most people write profiles that sound pretty much like everyone elses. They dryly list off some superficial things that they are looking for, generic, cookie-cutter descriptions that anyone can make themselves believe they fit into...or not. What they like to do, if they are athletic or not (which really means where they are weightwise), if family or religion are important, what they do for a living, etc.
(I remember back in the 90s when I was just starting to date after my divorce, it seemed like 99% of the men wrote something like, "I like to drink a glass of wine by the fire and take walks along the ocean"....and we were in Minnesota! I definitely did NOT want to date those guys! It was as if they were saying "I'm not really very interesting and so I'm going to tell women what I think they want to hear." Ugh! Boring!)
You could close your eyes and point randomly for all the good it does to help you cull out who might be an interesting person to date. These kinds of profile seem to be the most popular and yet tell you the least about who the person really is.
If you've been out in the dating scene for a while, or not, you know it can be difficult to get to know someone. It can take months before you really know who the person is, what they're like in their real lives. And often, by the time you do, even if what you find out is bad, you've gotten too attached and don't know how to let them go with grace. I always say it takes at least Four Seasons to really get to know someone.
I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to be as clear as we can be, up front, about who we are and what we are looking for. I always say that we want to write our profiles so that we encourage and entice the kind of person we are looking for and discourage the kind of people we do not want to meet.
If your profile is bland and indirect what will attract people to you and what kind of people will be out looking to find out more? If your profile says nothing very real or personal then the people who contact you are either looking for someone who doesn't have too much of their own personality or they are simply looking at your photo and liking the way you look. Maybe they are looking for someone who won't be direct so maybe they want you to be passive and malleable?
Think about what kind of person you want to attract and think about what you most want someone to know about you. If you are a woman and you have had trouble with men who try to control you, for instance, what could you write about yourself that would discourage these kind of men from contacting you?
"While I enjoy partnership in my relationships, I like to maintain my own opinions and enjoy my independent time with friends and other activities. I don't need to be with someone 24/7".
If you are a man who has a pattern of attaching to women who are emotionally unavailable and lack commitment:
"I enjoy connection and emotional intimacy and am looking for someone who has a high tolerance for relationality, who is ready to commit to someone once they've checked them out sufficiently".
For women who tend to find men who are emotionally unavailable:
"It is important to me to verbally process my relationships with my partner and would like to find someone who shares this value".
You can also make statements about what kind of relationship or what relationship values you want someone to share:
"I want someone who is willing to look at their own issues and doesn't blame everyone else for what happens in their life."
"I want someone who has skills at problem solving and is committed to working on issues with their partner, who doesn't run away when tough issues come up...because they always do."
I think it pays to be very honest in a profile. Let people know if weight is an issue or if you have health issues. It will come up and then, if the other person feels caught off guard or lied to, they will likely not want another date and you will have set yourself up for feeling hurt and rejected. Why do that to yourself???
What do you have to lose? Lots of failed dates where you end up feeling crappy about yourself? I think most of us could do without that!!
I work with my clients a lot on this profile writing piece as I believe it is a crucial part of dating smarter. It helps to shortcut the process and cull out people who you wouldn't fit with or who won't really be into you. The clearer you are about who you are, what you want and don't want, the more information it gives to prospective dates so they can choose more wisely. And if someone reads your profile full of this and still wants to date you it probably means they have been doing some of their own work and might have more to offer to you in a relationship over time.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and requests for new blogs!
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