To Break It Off, Or Not To Break It Off

One of the things I hear all of the time from both men and women of all ages is the dilemma of what to do in their relationships when the person they are in love with behaves badly. Bad behaviors take many forms in relationships; from blatant misbehavior like affairs and physical abuse to less easily identifiable misbehaviors of the verbally abusive miscreants who play mind games that wear away at their partners confidence and self esteem.
We teach our young people to be kind and understanding and generous in their relationships. Girls are trained by their families and peers to not be "mean" to others, using fear of being alone the rest of their lives as the leverage to gain their compliance. Boys are trained to be unfazed by the relationality going on around them. Boys and men who don't want to be the stereotypical detached guy, work at being more open and accepting of women's bad behaviors in an effort to be the special man who can meet her needs. When boys and girls don't get their emotional needs met as children they often look to members of the opposite sex to help them feel "complete" and loved. This leaves them vulnerable to "settling" for relationships that don't really give them what they want and deserve. They can get attached too quickly, before they really know the person, and once attached, have trouble leaving when things go south. "But I LOVE him", I hear over and over. "I want to spend my life with this person". In spite of the facts; that their beloved partner is emotionally unavailable, angry all the time, putting them down, fiscally irresponsible, borrowing money and never paying them back, has unexplainable absences, text messages, phone calls, or always busy elsewhere, unable to stand up for their partner, running them into the ground with debt from businesses that never take off, not pulling their weight caring for the children or household, doesn't keep healthy boundaries with extended family members or others who are potential love interests, or is constantly trying to control what they do and who the see, who demand all of their attention or are always busy elsewhere love addicts everywhere hope and fantasize that things will change. The fantasy is that if they can only say the right thing at the right time their lover will see the light and automatically change. If only we love them enough and help heal their emotional wounds they will love us and give us the love we desire. Many people stay stuck in this place for years and years. Their own childhood wounds and past relationship unfinished business makes them vulnerable to putting up with bad behavior and settle for less than they deserve. When I work with people I help them look honestly and without the rose-colored glasses at what they really are experiencing in their relationships. I then offer choices of how to address the problems from just considering options to learning how to maintain healthy boundaries and ask for what they need to actually setting a firm limit and leaving the relationship. Each person gets to choose how much change they want to make and at what point they choose to make the changes. As I look back on my own life I have often asked myself, "if you could go back to talk to yourself as a teenager, what would you tell yourself that would have helped you not make the mistakes you have made in your life?". The answer that I have developed is that I would say, " Do not allow anyone to treat you badly and walk away when they do. And never settle for less than being treated with respect and love."
When I work with teenagers I have focused on this message for the past 5-10 years especially. I have worked with them to find their inner strength and like themselves and not put up with the kind of crap that our young men try to pull. I talk to them about being leaders and helping out all women and men by not putting up with bad behavior. I talk about how lack of tolerance for bad behavior could keep their young men and women from growing up to be adults who behave badly.
So imagine my joy and pride when I spoke recently to a young woman whom I have seen off and on throughout her teen years. She is now a college student who has a wonderful creative spirit. She has great values about relationships that she has learned from her family and our therapy as well as from all the experiences she has opened herself up to in the past four years.
She was very distressed recently when her boyfriend of the past 2-3 years had told her he had " cheated" on her. He had gone to a party, gotten drunk, and gone into a bedroom with another young woman and kissed her. That was the extent of the cheating but she felt strongly that women shouldn't put up with this and had vowed that she would not. She was torn because she loves him and thinks he is a good person and he had told her about it and felt remorseful. He told her he felt horrible and would never do it again.
The problem is, as she discussed it, that he already has a pattern of being kind of "unconscious" and passive about relational boundaries as well as some questionable alcohol use. They had discussed these issues several times and each time he had said he would change. Should she stick it out and help him work on these issues or should she forge forth in her own path which may or may not include him in the future? Ultimately she chose herself and told him she was done. I think that surprised him and I think she even surprised herself. Me? I admire this young woman's integrity and strength and wish I could have been like her when I was young. It would have saved me a lot of pain and thankless efforts in my past relationships. I think we can all take a lesson from her and stick to taking care of ourselves first even if it seems scary at times.