If you are a "deep thinker", you are always trying to make your relationships better.
What could I do better? What could my partner or loved one do better? What dynamics are at play that are not working for us?
It's important to know that no matter how smart you are, nor how hard you try, you cannot work on a relationship if someone is active in their addiction or if there is untreated depression, mental health issues or an affair going on. That person's body is there but their soul and mind and energy are elsewhere.
Sometimes we aren't conscious that these issues exist nor do we admit how much they have been affecting our relationships and our life. We think maybe we did something wrong or not enough of the right things and try and try and try to do things differently. When it doesn't work we either get down on ourselves or the other person.
It is also true that the other person often blames us for the problems in the relationship, or how bad they feel or for their bad behavior. My guess is that this is due to the shame they are feeling somewhere inside that they are trying to avoid. It is a much more comfortable place to be: grandiosity, than in toxic shame when we know we have not been doing the right things to the ones we love.
Guess what? We can't fix it. This is their gig and all we can do is encourage them to get help and then back off and set healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves. And, if you are the one with the untreated issues, get yourself some help.
Any questions or comments? Feel free to email me: Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Changing And Controlling Those We Say We Love
Oftentimes I have people in my office talking about their relationships and I see them trying to force the other person to be what they want them to be and being continually disappointed in what they get. They feel wronged by the other person because they aren't getting what they need.
Sometimes they don't ask for what they need and then pout and sit around all victimy when they don't get it. Not fair.
Sometimes they say the person "used to" do something they aren't doing anymore and they want the old person back. Not fair.
Sometimes this gets violent verbally or physically. Not fair, or respectful.
People change. Sometimes the person they were initially wasn't the real them and sometimes they have made a change in who they are over time. They have the right to change who they are, how they act, to change their minds, and what they want. If we don't like it we can decide to leave but we don't have the right to make anyone be what we want them to be.
If you are feeling hurt by someone's changes, make a decision. It is not ok to "offend from a victim position" and abuse or try to control another person. It is still offending even if you believe you were wronged first.
We have to take responsibility for asking for what we want in relationships and negotiating about it without feeling entitled to have everything the way we want. And then, if we decide we are not able to get enough, we have to end it with respect.
We can't get everything we want in any relationship so we have to decide if what we get is good enough that it's worth grieving for what we don't get, to stay. If not, it isn't fair to ourselves or others to stay and keep demanding something else that they can't be happy giving.
It is generally true that people who are trying to change and control others are "love dependent" and addicted to the person they are in a relationship with. Usually this is because they are "shame-based" and do not feel whole without the other person and need everything to be a certain way in order to feel safe. They feel as they cannot live without the other person and their love and if anything changes it might mean they are going to lose them which would feel like death.
Another person cannot fill the hole we feel inside. That can only be filled by fixing our old hurts and gaining our own self esteem.
Once we've done that work our relationships with others feel safer and more satisfying. It is easier to be sure that others love us when we know we are loveable. When our partners are scared to say no to us, we can't trust them really, can we? If they can't say 'NO" how can we trust their 'YES'?
Sometimes they don't ask for what they need and then pout and sit around all victimy when they don't get it. Not fair.
Sometimes they say the person "used to" do something they aren't doing anymore and they want the old person back. Not fair.
Sometimes this gets violent verbally or physically. Not fair, or respectful.
People change. Sometimes the person they were initially wasn't the real them and sometimes they have made a change in who they are over time. They have the right to change who they are, how they act, to change their minds, and what they want. If we don't like it we can decide to leave but we don't have the right to make anyone be what we want them to be.
If you are feeling hurt by someone's changes, make a decision. It is not ok to "offend from a victim position" and abuse or try to control another person. It is still offending even if you believe you were wronged first.
We have to take responsibility for asking for what we want in relationships and negotiating about it without feeling entitled to have everything the way we want. And then, if we decide we are not able to get enough, we have to end it with respect.
We can't get everything we want in any relationship so we have to decide if what we get is good enough that it's worth grieving for what we don't get, to stay. If not, it isn't fair to ourselves or others to stay and keep demanding something else that they can't be happy giving.
It is generally true that people who are trying to change and control others are "love dependent" and addicted to the person they are in a relationship with. Usually this is because they are "shame-based" and do not feel whole without the other person and need everything to be a certain way in order to feel safe. They feel as they cannot live without the other person and their love and if anything changes it might mean they are going to lose them which would feel like death.
Another person cannot fill the hole we feel inside. That can only be filled by fixing our old hurts and gaining our own self esteem.
Once we've done that work our relationships with others feel safer and more satisfying. It is easier to be sure that others love us when we know we are loveable. When our partners are scared to say no to us, we can't trust them really, can we? If they can't say 'NO" how can we trust their 'YES'?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
What Impacts My Dating Patterns?
Every day I talk to people who are frustrated with their attempts to find the right person to date and join in a satisfying intimate relationship.
I try to help them sort out all the different variables that are impacting their patterns of choice. Want to learn more?
There are a few things that help people free themselves from the shackles of their bad dating patterns:
1. Look at what you've brought into your relationships; biases, belief systems, behaviors, etc. How are they working for you? What can you change?
2. Look at what kinds of people you have been choosing and figure out why and if those choices have been working for you. What can you change?
3. Find a good support system to go over your dating experiences with. Oh...and listen to them!
These are the areas my new Dating Program will be dealing with. So keep tuned in. Sign up for the RSS Feed in the orange box to be notified of new blogs and writings.
Go to http://www.yourtango.com/experts/Evowoman and follow me as one of their experts.
I try to help them sort out all the different variables that are impacting their patterns of choice. Want to learn more?
There are a few things that help people free themselves from the shackles of their bad dating patterns:
1. Look at what you've brought into your relationships; biases, belief systems, behaviors, etc. How are they working for you? What can you change?
2. Look at what kinds of people you have been choosing and figure out why and if those choices have been working for you. What can you change?
3. Find a good support system to go over your dating experiences with. Oh...and listen to them!
These are the areas my new Dating Program will be dealing with. So keep tuned in. Sign up for the RSS Feed in the orange box to be notified of new blogs and writings.
Go to http://www.yourtango.com/experts/Evowoman and follow me as one of their experts.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Would You Like To Automatically Get Notices When I Blog?
Did you know that by clicking on the orange box with the white lines in it you can sign up, anonymously, to get notices when I enter a new blog?
Or you can sign up to be a follower towards the bottom of my blog page.
Check it out!
Or you can sign up to be a follower towards the bottom of my blog page.
Check it out!
Online Dating: Setting Boundaries
Often the idea of these first blind dates can be terrifying. You don't know what to expect, worry about whether or not the person will like you or if you'll be lucky enough to meet someone you might like. How should you act? What should you wear? Where should you go? How can you make sure you're safe?
My recommendation is to set up your own boundaries and expectations about dating before you even make the first contact. And be yourself. Be yourself even more on the first dates than you might be in your daily life.
Decide which times you have available during the week to go on a date ahead of time and don't change it when the other person's schedule doesn't match up....look at the next week if nothing works this week. There should not be a sense of urgency. If there is that should raise red flags for you. What's the hurry?
Decide ahead of time which places you think would be comfortable for you to meet a stranger on a first, second or third date. While you can be open to other suggestions it is always good to be clear in your own mind what you will feel comfortable with. If you are a person who finds herself/himself always giving in to others, you might decide that it is not an option, initially, to negotiate.
Decide ahead of time what your time limit will be for the date. Generally, even if you really like someone, you don't need more than 1 1/2-2 hours on a first date. Sometimes when people really hit it off they want to let the first date go on and on and sometimes a short meeting for coffee stretches out to dinner and then to drinks and then to bed. Not really the best way for a relationship to start off, we all agree and know that, right? Easy to do though.
But if you really want to start off right and find a good person, stick to your limits and expect them to stick to theirs.
Decide ahead of time how much time you think is good between date #1 and date #2 and how much texting and phone talking and emailing you think is healthy or comfortable for you and stick to it.
Talk openly and honestly about who you are. Resist the temptation to "be the person they might want" and let it all hang out. If they are going to like you for who you are in a long term relationship, let them know now who you really are.
Once you are clear about what qualities and characteristics you are looking for, write yourself up a checklist and when you get back from your first dates go through the checklist and see whether or not the person you went on the date with fits or not. If there are a lot of things that don't match up but you really liked the person, think about what that really means. Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't have some or most of the qualities that are important to you???
As always I appreciate your feedback and requests for topics for my blogs!
My recommendation is to set up your own boundaries and expectations about dating before you even make the first contact. And be yourself. Be yourself even more on the first dates than you might be in your daily life.
Decide which times you have available during the week to go on a date ahead of time and don't change it when the other person's schedule doesn't match up....look at the next week if nothing works this week. There should not be a sense of urgency. If there is that should raise red flags for you. What's the hurry?
Decide ahead of time which places you think would be comfortable for you to meet a stranger on a first, second or third date. While you can be open to other suggestions it is always good to be clear in your own mind what you will feel comfortable with. If you are a person who finds herself/himself always giving in to others, you might decide that it is not an option, initially, to negotiate.
Decide ahead of time what your time limit will be for the date. Generally, even if you really like someone, you don't need more than 1 1/2-2 hours on a first date. Sometimes when people really hit it off they want to let the first date go on and on and sometimes a short meeting for coffee stretches out to dinner and then to drinks and then to bed. Not really the best way for a relationship to start off, we all agree and know that, right? Easy to do though.
But if you really want to start off right and find a good person, stick to your limits and expect them to stick to theirs.
Decide ahead of time how much time you think is good between date #1 and date #2 and how much texting and phone talking and emailing you think is healthy or comfortable for you and stick to it.
Talk openly and honestly about who you are. Resist the temptation to "be the person they might want" and let it all hang out. If they are going to like you for who you are in a long term relationship, let them know now who you really are.
Once you are clear about what qualities and characteristics you are looking for, write yourself up a checklist and when you get back from your first dates go through the checklist and see whether or not the person you went on the date with fits or not. If there are a lot of things that don't match up but you really liked the person, think about what that really means. Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't have some or most of the qualities that are important to you???
As always I appreciate your feedback and requests for topics for my blogs!
Online Dating: Writing The Profile
When you look at the millions of profiles on Match.com or eHarmony or OKCupid.com or any of the websites out there attempting to match you up with the person of your dreams, what do you see? Is there anything in the profile that stands out, that helps you feel as if you can really "see" that person?
Most people write profiles that sound pretty much like everyone elses. They dryly list off some superficial things that they are looking for, generic, cookie-cutter descriptions that anyone can make themselves believe they fit into...or not. What they like to do, if they are athletic or not (which really means where they are weightwise), if family or religion are important, what they do for a living, etc.
(I remember back in the 90s when I was just starting to date after my divorce, it seemed like 99% of the men wrote something like, "I like to drink a glass of wine by the fire and take walks along the ocean"....and we were in Minnesota! I definitely did NOT want to date those guys! It was as if they were saying "I'm not really very interesting and so I'm going to tell women what I think they want to hear." Ugh! Boring!)
You could close your eyes and point randomly for all the good it does to help you cull out who might be an interesting person to date. These kinds of profile seem to be the most popular and yet tell you the least about who the person really is.
If you've been out in the dating scene for a while, or not, you know it can be difficult to get to know someone. It can take months before you really know who the person is, what they're like in their real lives. And often, by the time you do, even if what you find out is bad, you've gotten too attached and don't know how to let them go with grace. I always say it takes at least Four Seasons to really get to know someone.
I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to be as clear as we can be, up front, about who we are and what we are looking for. I always say that we want to write our profiles so that we encourage and entice the kind of person we are looking for and discourage the kind of people we do not want to meet.
If your profile is bland and indirect what will attract people to you and what kind of people will be out looking to find out more? If your profile says nothing very real or personal then the people who contact you are either looking for someone who doesn't have too much of their own personality or they are simply looking at your photo and liking the way you look. Maybe they are looking for someone who won't be direct so maybe they want you to be passive and malleable?
Think about what kind of person you want to attract and think about what you most want someone to know about you. If you are a woman and you have had trouble with men who try to control you, for instance, what could you write about yourself that would discourage these kind of men from contacting you?
"While I enjoy partnership in my relationships, I like to maintain my own opinions and enjoy my independent time with friends and other activities. I don't need to be with someone 24/7".
If you are a man who has a pattern of attaching to women who are emotionally unavailable and lack commitment:
"I enjoy connection and emotional intimacy and am looking for someone who has a high tolerance for relationality, who is ready to commit to someone once they've checked them out sufficiently".
For women who tend to find men who are emotionally unavailable:
"It is important to me to verbally process my relationships with my partner and would like to find someone who shares this value".
You can also make statements about what kind of relationship or what relationship values you want someone to share:
"I want someone who is willing to look at their own issues and doesn't blame everyone else for what happens in their life."
"I want someone who has skills at problem solving and is committed to working on issues with their partner, who doesn't run away when tough issues come up...because they always do."
I think it pays to be very honest in a profile. Let people know if weight is an issue or if you have health issues. It will come up and then, if the other person feels caught off guard or lied to, they will likely not want another date and you will have set yourself up for feeling hurt and rejected. Why do that to yourself???
What do you have to lose? Lots of failed dates where you end up feeling crappy about yourself? I think most of us could do without that!!
I work with my clients a lot on this profile writing piece as I believe it is a crucial part of dating smarter. It helps to shortcut the process and cull out people who you wouldn't fit with or who won't really be into you. The clearer you are about who you are, what you want and don't want, the more information it gives to prospective dates so they can choose more wisely. And if someone reads your profile full of this and still wants to date you it probably means they have been doing some of their own work and might have more to offer to you in a relationship over time.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and requests for new blogs!
Most people write profiles that sound pretty much like everyone elses. They dryly list off some superficial things that they are looking for, generic, cookie-cutter descriptions that anyone can make themselves believe they fit into...or not. What they like to do, if they are athletic or not (which really means where they are weightwise), if family or religion are important, what they do for a living, etc.
(I remember back in the 90s when I was just starting to date after my divorce, it seemed like 99% of the men wrote something like, "I like to drink a glass of wine by the fire and take walks along the ocean"....and we were in Minnesota! I definitely did NOT want to date those guys! It was as if they were saying "I'm not really very interesting and so I'm going to tell women what I think they want to hear." Ugh! Boring!)
You could close your eyes and point randomly for all the good it does to help you cull out who might be an interesting person to date. These kinds of profile seem to be the most popular and yet tell you the least about who the person really is.
If you've been out in the dating scene for a while, or not, you know it can be difficult to get to know someone. It can take months before you really know who the person is, what they're like in their real lives. And often, by the time you do, even if what you find out is bad, you've gotten too attached and don't know how to let them go with grace. I always say it takes at least Four Seasons to really get to know someone.
I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to be as clear as we can be, up front, about who we are and what we are looking for. I always say that we want to write our profiles so that we encourage and entice the kind of person we are looking for and discourage the kind of people we do not want to meet.
If your profile is bland and indirect what will attract people to you and what kind of people will be out looking to find out more? If your profile says nothing very real or personal then the people who contact you are either looking for someone who doesn't have too much of their own personality or they are simply looking at your photo and liking the way you look. Maybe they are looking for someone who won't be direct so maybe they want you to be passive and malleable?
Think about what kind of person you want to attract and think about what you most want someone to know about you. If you are a woman and you have had trouble with men who try to control you, for instance, what could you write about yourself that would discourage these kind of men from contacting you?
"While I enjoy partnership in my relationships, I like to maintain my own opinions and enjoy my independent time with friends and other activities. I don't need to be with someone 24/7".
If you are a man who has a pattern of attaching to women who are emotionally unavailable and lack commitment:
"I enjoy connection and emotional intimacy and am looking for someone who has a high tolerance for relationality, who is ready to commit to someone once they've checked them out sufficiently".
For women who tend to find men who are emotionally unavailable:
"It is important to me to verbally process my relationships with my partner and would like to find someone who shares this value".
You can also make statements about what kind of relationship or what relationship values you want someone to share:
"I want someone who is willing to look at their own issues and doesn't blame everyone else for what happens in their life."
"I want someone who has skills at problem solving and is committed to working on issues with their partner, who doesn't run away when tough issues come up...because they always do."
I think it pays to be very honest in a profile. Let people know if weight is an issue or if you have health issues. It will come up and then, if the other person feels caught off guard or lied to, they will likely not want another date and you will have set yourself up for feeling hurt and rejected. Why do that to yourself???
What do you have to lose? Lots of failed dates where you end up feeling crappy about yourself? I think most of us could do without that!!
I work with my clients a lot on this profile writing piece as I believe it is a crucial part of dating smarter. It helps to shortcut the process and cull out people who you wouldn't fit with or who won't really be into you. The clearer you are about who you are, what you want and don't want, the more information it gives to prospective dates so they can choose more wisely. And if someone reads your profile full of this and still wants to date you it probably means they have been doing some of their own work and might have more to offer to you in a relationship over time.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and requests for new blogs!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Therapists Doing Counseling Online Through Skype?
More and more people are requesting phone or Skype sessions for a variety of reasons.
Some clients move, or a therapist moves and the client doesn't want to have to start a new relationship with a therapist when they are already connected and getting the help they've been looking for.
Some clients live in isolated rural areas where there aren't therapists within several hours drives of their home and would benefit from sessions online.
A client may be traveling for work and not be able to make it in to their therapists' office during regular work hours.
Clients go on vacation and have a crisis come up and rather than wait for a session when they get back, their therapist has an opening and they can do a session on Skype.
What do you think? Do you think therapy online or telephonic could meet your needs?
Can you think of other situations where online therapy might be a good or a bad idea?
Concerns:
Is the therapist licensed in the state the client is in? Or do they only have to be licensed where they are located since their work is in that state?
Is the transmission totally secure? Most online and phone communications are relatively safe and secure but, as we know, there are hackers out there and we can't totally guarantee confidentiality.
Is a session between client and therapist online as "good" as one in person? If we don't see each other in 3D can we make sure we are reading body language and voice clearly? Can people make real connections over the internet as easily as they can in person? Would a therapist be able to assess someone accurately?
It's getting to be more and more acceptable. I have done this some and have found it to be pretty much the same as face to face counseling. I love seeing people in my office but there are times it just doesn't work out. It can be easier for some clients and I am comfortable using these venues.
What do you think?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/therapists-are-seeing-patients-online.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&smid=fb-share
Some clients move, or a therapist moves and the client doesn't want to have to start a new relationship with a therapist when they are already connected and getting the help they've been looking for.
Some clients live in isolated rural areas where there aren't therapists within several hours drives of their home and would benefit from sessions online.
A client may be traveling for work and not be able to make it in to their therapists' office during regular work hours.
Clients go on vacation and have a crisis come up and rather than wait for a session when they get back, their therapist has an opening and they can do a session on Skype.
What do you think? Do you think therapy online or telephonic could meet your needs?
Can you think of other situations where online therapy might be a good or a bad idea?
Concerns:
Is the therapist licensed in the state the client is in? Or do they only have to be licensed where they are located since their work is in that state?
Is the transmission totally secure? Most online and phone communications are relatively safe and secure but, as we know, there are hackers out there and we can't totally guarantee confidentiality.
Is a session between client and therapist online as "good" as one in person? If we don't see each other in 3D can we make sure we are reading body language and voice clearly? Can people make real connections over the internet as easily as they can in person? Would a therapist be able to assess someone accurately?
It's getting to be more and more acceptable. I have done this some and have found it to be pretty much the same as face to face counseling. I love seeing people in my office but there are times it just doesn't work out. It can be easier for some clients and I am comfortable using these venues.
What do you think?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/therapists-are-seeing-patients-online.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&smid=fb-share
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dating, Making A Choice, Doubting Yourself
Once we've been in the dating scene for a while, had a marriage or two and suffered some disappointments and surprises, it is easy to start second guessing your choices. Many times this anxiety sends us into relationships for the wrong reasons. I remember one of my early relationships I thought maybe I wasn't so into the guy because of my own childhood issues and it took me 4 years to work my way out of it!
Here are some of the things that people often doubt themselves about:
* Maybe I don't really want a relationship at this point in my life so I am doubting my feelings and commitment to this particular person
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to be alone?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to hurt them?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to make the wrong decision?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to try to trust someone else?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to deal with their anger?
* Do I really care for them but fear others will disapprove or think less of me for my choice?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared that I will get trapped and not be able to get out if I change my mind?
* What if this person changes and becomes someone I don't like anymore?
* Do I have fears that I won't ever find someone else and maybe am settling for this person?
* Am I letting the other person's enthusiasm rush me into something before I'm ready to decide?
It is important to think about all of these things and if you get started it can be very hard to sort out what the answers really are.
Sometimes we have a pattern of picking people who we know are not a good fit (not good enough in some way, don't share the same values and interests) because we know it will keep us from making a commitment. It's a good way to keep up a wall in a relationship and not allow yourself to get too intimate or lost.
Did you pick this person in order to have doubts to balk at, or do you have doubts about everyone?
Sometimes we pick people we wouldn't really like, who we see as "less than" because we don't think we can expect more.
What is your relationship self esteem level? Are you feeling "not good enough" or "not loveable enough" in some way that keeps you from demanding what you want and need in a relationship? Or do you think you are better than others and no one could meet your expectations? Both of these attitudes get in the way of finding a good match.
Sometimes we have seen harmful relationships in our parent's marriages or friends or our own that make us a little gun shy about putting both feet in.
There are lots of things to fear about making a commitment to someone, with or without marriage:
What if I get trapped and it's not a blessing?
What if we have a lot of anger and fighting?
What if I can't really trust them?
What if someone better comes along?
What if I decide later that I'd be happier without this person and I'm already in?
What if they change into someone else and I don't like them?
It is important to remember that we always have choices. When in doubt it is always good to consider them and weigh out how they feel.
Possible choices:
1. Being single forever
2. Serial monogamy: accepting that your relationships may not last forever but you will enjoy them and commit as long as they work for you
3. Putting off kids and marriage until you are older and more established
4. Marry and have kids now and focus on career later
5. Make a decision and end the relationship and find someone else or take some time off from relationships
In choosing a partner there are some basic qualities that can help ensure that it is a workable and viable relationship. It is a given that people will fight, that someone will feel trapped at some point, that someone else better (or appearing to be better) will come along, that you might feel like you'd be happier on your own and it is also a given that, if in a relationship over time, you will both change. I certainly hope so! Imagine being the same person in 10-20-30 years as you are now? With no growth? With no new thoughts or values entering your mind? With no new skills and experiences to offer?
These are part of the normal development of the individual over a lifetime and of a marriage over time. It is a gift that people can bring new things and new selves into the relationship. It helps to grow both people and the relationship to greater heights.
Brainstorm some of the necessary skills that couples need to have a successful relationship over time:
* A good and respectful problem solving style
* Respectful communication style, even in conflict
* Commitment to growing together
* A commitment to owning one's own issues and part in problems and to working on them to benefit the relationship
* Openness to talk about thoughts, feelings, desires without being put down or shut down
* Liking each other "as you are"
Lots to think about in your anxiety. Maybe more than you were already worried about? You have to evaluate yourself and decide if it is your anxiety that is the issue or the relationship? It takes some time but it is better to do it now than down the road when you have kids and property and lives all intertwined.
If the answer is not clear to you try talking to your partner or getting some counseling or reading some good books. Talk to friends and family and see if others have had the same experience and what they did that worked for them, or didn't.
Some good books to consider are in my recommended readings on my blog:
Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?
The New Rules Of Marriage
The New Codependency
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
And read some of my previous posts.
Listen to yourself and educate yourself. In the end YOU are the only one YOU can trust and count on and it is YOU who will have to live with your decisions.
If you have some thoughts or questions you'd like to share, please become a follower and write something for everyone to read. If you don't want your name used, send me an email at Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com and I will post it anonymously.
Thanks!
Here are some of the things that people often doubt themselves about:
* Maybe I don't really want a relationship at this point in my life so I am doubting my feelings and commitment to this particular person
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to be alone?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to hurt them?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to make the wrong decision?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to try to trust someone else?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to deal with their anger?
* Do I really care for them but fear others will disapprove or think less of me for my choice?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared that I will get trapped and not be able to get out if I change my mind?
* What if this person changes and becomes someone I don't like anymore?
* Do I have fears that I won't ever find someone else and maybe am settling for this person?
* Am I letting the other person's enthusiasm rush me into something before I'm ready to decide?
It is important to think about all of these things and if you get started it can be very hard to sort out what the answers really are.
Sometimes we have a pattern of picking people who we know are not a good fit (not good enough in some way, don't share the same values and interests) because we know it will keep us from making a commitment. It's a good way to keep up a wall in a relationship and not allow yourself to get too intimate or lost.
Did you pick this person in order to have doubts to balk at, or do you have doubts about everyone?
Sometimes we pick people we wouldn't really like, who we see as "less than" because we don't think we can expect more.
What is your relationship self esteem level? Are you feeling "not good enough" or "not loveable enough" in some way that keeps you from demanding what you want and need in a relationship? Or do you think you are better than others and no one could meet your expectations? Both of these attitudes get in the way of finding a good match.
Sometimes we have seen harmful relationships in our parent's marriages or friends or our own that make us a little gun shy about putting both feet in.
There are lots of things to fear about making a commitment to someone, with or without marriage:
What if I get trapped and it's not a blessing?
What if we have a lot of anger and fighting?
What if I can't really trust them?
What if someone better comes along?
What if I decide later that I'd be happier without this person and I'm already in?
What if they change into someone else and I don't like them?
It is important to remember that we always have choices. When in doubt it is always good to consider them and weigh out how they feel.
Possible choices:
1. Being single forever
2. Serial monogamy: accepting that your relationships may not last forever but you will enjoy them and commit as long as they work for you
3. Putting off kids and marriage until you are older and more established
4. Marry and have kids now and focus on career later
5. Make a decision and end the relationship and find someone else or take some time off from relationships
In choosing a partner there are some basic qualities that can help ensure that it is a workable and viable relationship. It is a given that people will fight, that someone will feel trapped at some point, that someone else better (or appearing to be better) will come along, that you might feel like you'd be happier on your own and it is also a given that, if in a relationship over time, you will both change. I certainly hope so! Imagine being the same person in 10-20-30 years as you are now? With no growth? With no new thoughts or values entering your mind? With no new skills and experiences to offer?
These are part of the normal development of the individual over a lifetime and of a marriage over time. It is a gift that people can bring new things and new selves into the relationship. It helps to grow both people and the relationship to greater heights.
Brainstorm some of the necessary skills that couples need to have a successful relationship over time:
* A good and respectful problem solving style
* Respectful communication style, even in conflict
* Commitment to growing together
* A commitment to owning one's own issues and part in problems and to working on them to benefit the relationship
* Openness to talk about thoughts, feelings, desires without being put down or shut down
* Liking each other "as you are"
Lots to think about in your anxiety. Maybe more than you were already worried about? You have to evaluate yourself and decide if it is your anxiety that is the issue or the relationship? It takes some time but it is better to do it now than down the road when you have kids and property and lives all intertwined.
If the answer is not clear to you try talking to your partner or getting some counseling or reading some good books. Talk to friends and family and see if others have had the same experience and what they did that worked for them, or didn't.
Some good books to consider are in my recommended readings on my blog:
Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?
The New Rules Of Marriage
The New Codependency
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
And read some of my previous posts.
Listen to yourself and educate yourself. In the end YOU are the only one YOU can trust and count on and it is YOU who will have to live with your decisions.
If you have some thoughts or questions you'd like to share, please become a follower and write something for everyone to read. If you don't want your name used, send me an email at Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com and I will post it anonymously.
Thanks!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Whose Label Are You Wearing?
I often talk about this in my work with clients. We take some kind of definition of ourselves that is formed before we are 18 years old...before our brains have even fully developed and then battle with it the rest of our lives!
At what point can we be the person we have been for many years post 18 and shed the old, and usually negative beliefs we have about ourselves?
http://kingskiddd1.com/2011/08/24/whose-label-are-you-wearing/
At what point can we be the person we have been for many years post 18 and shed the old, and usually negative beliefs we have about ourselves?
http://kingskiddd1.com/2011/08/24/whose-label-are-you-wearing/
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New Rules of Dating, Old Rules of Dating
I believe that the original idea for dating was that people would go out and do activities together so they could get to know each others "real selves". This dating process allowed us to evaluate how we felt in relationship to different people, more about their true character and if we were getting enough from the relationship to decide to take it to the next level=a relationship.
Somewhere along the line...I think it was in middle schools and high schools...it became a shameful thing to date more than one person. The expectation was you met someone, liked them and became boyfriend and girlfriend to the exclusion of others. If you truly "dated", which would mean you were free to check out more than one person, you were labelled a slut, a whore, a player, a male whore....it was deemed a negative and an affront to all your friends.
So as we moved into adulthood we followed the same pattern: meet someone, fall into bed, or love or something and then become boyfriends and girlfriends right away. If we dared to date more than one person we'd feel bad and rushed (either by our own inner sense of urgency or by pressure from the other person)and feel we needed to pick one...hopefully "THE ONE".
And even though this did not work, over and over and over, we continue to do the same thing. We get so attached we feel we can't leave the relationship when it becomes clear it isn't good for us. We try to force the other person to be the person we want them to be. We try to fit the Square Peg in the Round Hole. It doesn't work.
I advocate that we go back to the true art of dating. Just date. Date as many people as you want at one time. Date them all until you don't like someone. Then drop them. If you find someone else, start dating them too. Do this for months, or years...it doesn't matter how long, until you meet someone who is really compatible, who likes you the way you are, who treats you well, who has the same goals in life, who shares your values.
A few weeks ago I was discussing this with a client who is trying to get it right, this time. He got a little distressed because, as we discussed these ideas, he realized this meant he couldn't be sexual or physically intimate with the women he was dating.
If we are going to do this Respectful Dating, we can't go around being physically intimate with the people we are dating until we decide that we want to be in a committed relationship. If you feel you need to have sex, go have a one night stand with someone you don't want to date. But you can't "DATE" and have sex.
Even if both people say they are OK with having sex without commitment, it changes up the dynamics and changes up how well you can really see the person and their character.
Both men and women get attached when they have sex with someone. Sometimes that scares people and they start pushing the other person away and sometimes it makes people get more involved than they would want to be at that stage of the relationship. So even when people say they are OK with sex without commitment, they are each thinking "obviously this person really likes me or they wouldn't be having sex with me", and they start putting all their emotional eggs in that basket.
It isn't fair. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to them.
This really hit my client and he realized he has really not been as respectful as he would like to be in his relationships and is feeling challenged to do it differently.
What's the big rush about anyway? Are you worried that if you can't get the person into bed you'll lose them to someone else? If this was the person's true character what would you want them around for anyway!
So think about changing up how you approach the whole dating thing. If you aren't in high school anymore do you need to live by that jaded rule book anymore? If you are in high school wouldn't you love to be the maverick who challenges the status quo and help yourself and others find a more respectful way to have relationships?
I hope this stirs up some good conversations. Please share thoughts and comments and questions with me!
Somewhere along the line...I think it was in middle schools and high schools...it became a shameful thing to date more than one person. The expectation was you met someone, liked them and became boyfriend and girlfriend to the exclusion of others. If you truly "dated", which would mean you were free to check out more than one person, you were labelled a slut, a whore, a player, a male whore....it was deemed a negative and an affront to all your friends.
So as we moved into adulthood we followed the same pattern: meet someone, fall into bed, or love or something and then become boyfriends and girlfriends right away. If we dared to date more than one person we'd feel bad and rushed (either by our own inner sense of urgency or by pressure from the other person)and feel we needed to pick one...hopefully "THE ONE".
And even though this did not work, over and over and over, we continue to do the same thing. We get so attached we feel we can't leave the relationship when it becomes clear it isn't good for us. We try to force the other person to be the person we want them to be. We try to fit the Square Peg in the Round Hole. It doesn't work.
I advocate that we go back to the true art of dating. Just date. Date as many people as you want at one time. Date them all until you don't like someone. Then drop them. If you find someone else, start dating them too. Do this for months, or years...it doesn't matter how long, until you meet someone who is really compatible, who likes you the way you are, who treats you well, who has the same goals in life, who shares your values.
A few weeks ago I was discussing this with a client who is trying to get it right, this time. He got a little distressed because, as we discussed these ideas, he realized this meant he couldn't be sexual or physically intimate with the women he was dating.
If we are going to do this Respectful Dating, we can't go around being physically intimate with the people we are dating until we decide that we want to be in a committed relationship. If you feel you need to have sex, go have a one night stand with someone you don't want to date. But you can't "DATE" and have sex.
Even if both people say they are OK with having sex without commitment, it changes up the dynamics and changes up how well you can really see the person and their character.
Both men and women get attached when they have sex with someone. Sometimes that scares people and they start pushing the other person away and sometimes it makes people get more involved than they would want to be at that stage of the relationship. So even when people say they are OK with sex without commitment, they are each thinking "obviously this person really likes me or they wouldn't be having sex with me", and they start putting all their emotional eggs in that basket.
It isn't fair. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to them.
This really hit my client and he realized he has really not been as respectful as he would like to be in his relationships and is feeling challenged to do it differently.
What's the big rush about anyway? Are you worried that if you can't get the person into bed you'll lose them to someone else? If this was the person's true character what would you want them around for anyway!
So think about changing up how you approach the whole dating thing. If you aren't in high school anymore do you need to live by that jaded rule book anymore? If you are in high school wouldn't you love to be the maverick who challenges the status quo and help yourself and others find a more respectful way to have relationships?
I hope this stirs up some good conversations. Please share thoughts and comments and questions with me!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Gratitude by Melody Beattie 8/1 (And my comments)
We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Today I think of this in two ways. What comes to mind is that in dealing with some frustrating situations with clients I have to take a step back from my personal reactions and both think more about what they are struggling with....that they are allowing me to help them on their journey to health and that being grateful for that can enable me to be more helpful, and also that I find people in my personal life to be in a different place than I am right now.
The past couple of days have been a struggle trying to help some kids. They seem to be more rewarded by their struggle and the attention it gives them than in hearing the helpful messages we all are trying to give them. Through this I am grateful to be learning more about what they are needing so I can be a better therapist.
In the personal realm I often feel barraged by other people's feelings and sense of pain in their world that I do not feel in mine. I don't want to live like that anymore and am grateful that I have found a way to be happy and focus on my cup which is more than half full. I wish I could give them this gift.
Again they don't want it from me right now and I have to find a way to back off, keep up my healthy boundaries and maintain the happiness I feel.
I am grateful today for having healthy boundaries at home and at work.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.
Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.
Today I think of this in two ways. What comes to mind is that in dealing with some frustrating situations with clients I have to take a step back from my personal reactions and both think more about what they are struggling with....that they are allowing me to help them on their journey to health and that being grateful for that can enable me to be more helpful, and also that I find people in my personal life to be in a different place than I am right now.
The past couple of days have been a struggle trying to help some kids. They seem to be more rewarded by their struggle and the attention it gives them than in hearing the helpful messages we all are trying to give them. Through this I am grateful to be learning more about what they are needing so I can be a better therapist.
In the personal realm I often feel barraged by other people's feelings and sense of pain in their world that I do not feel in mine. I don't want to live like that anymore and am grateful that I have found a way to be happy and focus on my cup which is more than half full. I wish I could give them this gift.
Again they don't want it from me right now and I have to find a way to back off, keep up my healthy boundaries and maintain the happiness I feel.
I am grateful today for having healthy boundaries at home and at work.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Abuse
For many years I have been using the Power & Control Wheel to help people understand more about abuse. It isn't just about hitting but abusers try to control and hurt in many ways. At the center of abuse is the desire to have power and control over another person. The spokes of the wheel show the other areas of life that are commonly attacked.
Here is the link for a great website with a lot of information and a photo of the Power & Control Wheel.
www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#.Ti9lnGUeE9Y.facebook"
Here is the link for a great website with a lot of information and a photo of the Power & Control Wheel.
www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#.Ti9lnGUeE9Y.facebook"
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Being Is Enough, Melody Beattie 7/21 And My Comments
We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing or discipline--it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose, shall reveal itself--in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense--later.
Today I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
My thoughts on this are that even when we are struggling with self defeating behaviors and confusion about our direction, that we need to "trust our process". By that I mean that I believe that we all want to be happier and have better lives and, even when we are consciously making bad decisions or feeling out of control, that subconsciously we are still working in our own behalf to achieve a better life with better balance. When we don't know which way to go or what decisions to make we can step back, take a deep breath, take a First Step, and wait. The urgency we often feel to make decisions or do something is often just an internally created pressure. Often there will be no permanent repercussions from doing nothing.
Trust that the YOU that wants to be THE BEST PERSON YOU WANT TO BE will be working in your best interests and you will, eventually, get to where you want to be as long as you continue to work on getting to know yourself and your circumstances better so you can make better conscious choices.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing or discipline--it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose, shall reveal itself--in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense--later.
Today I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
My thoughts on this are that even when we are struggling with self defeating behaviors and confusion about our direction, that we need to "trust our process". By that I mean that I believe that we all want to be happier and have better lives and, even when we are consciously making bad decisions or feeling out of control, that subconsciously we are still working in our own behalf to achieve a better life with better balance. When we don't know which way to go or what decisions to make we can step back, take a deep breath, take a First Step, and wait. The urgency we often feel to make decisions or do something is often just an internally created pressure. Often there will be no permanent repercussions from doing nothing.
Trust that the YOU that wants to be THE BEST PERSON YOU WANT TO BE will be working in your best interests and you will, eventually, get to where you want to be as long as you continue to work on getting to know yourself and your circumstances better so you can make better conscious choices.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
iPhone Apps For Relaxation
I found a couple of free apps in the App Store that people might find helpful.
One is Breathe2Relax which takes you through different relation breathing exercises.
The other is T2 MoodTracker which helps you pay attention to emotions throughout the day and over time.
I found them both on some websites where there is help for vets but these can be helpful for many people.
And don't forget that there are also the Shrinky Anxiety and Shrinky Anger Management apps that are good but cost some money.
Enjoy!
One is Breathe2Relax which takes you through different relation breathing exercises.
The other is T2 MoodTracker which helps you pay attention to emotions throughout the day and over time.
I found them both on some websites where there is help for vets but these can be helpful for many people.
And don't forget that there are also the Shrinky Anxiety and Shrinky Anger Management apps that are good but cost some money.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Dating Tips
A friend asked me recently about his attraction to a woman he knows is in a committed relationship. He thought it wouldn't hurt him to fantasize about her since he doesn't have any other prospects.He is also admitting to not feeling so good about himself since he is (like the rest of us) getting older and feeling like he might not be attractive to women. And he thinks that the women he'd find attractive wouldn't be interested in him.
So I wrote him a few thoughts which I thought I'd share here for others:
I think it does do you harm to fantasize...A) it makes you more hooked in to the unavailable person than is good for you, B) it makes you less available to other available women emotionally and C) no one will ever match up to your fantasy of them...that’s why they call it “fantasy”, you know?
As we age we are feeling like we are getting fatter and duller looking. We have to grieve the loss of our youthful bodies and come to terms with accepting the body we have.
The way I figure it, there is someone for everyone, out there. Everywhere I go, I see people that you’d think would be totally unacceptable for everyone and yet, even they have someone. So I think we always have to remember that there is someone out there who will love us just the way we are and stop trying to fit the square peg in a round hole. So we need to accept ourselves for who we are and look for the person that loves us that way.
And it sounds like you need to change up how you look at women and maybe focus less on looks and more on the person they are and who can make you happy even if they are not gorgeous.
Anyone else struggling with these issues? Or have other ones?
So I wrote him a few thoughts which I thought I'd share here for others:
I think it does do you harm to fantasize...A) it makes you more hooked in to the unavailable person than is good for you, B) it makes you less available to other available women emotionally and C) no one will ever match up to your fantasy of them...that’s why they call it “fantasy”, you know?
As we age we are feeling like we are getting fatter and duller looking. We have to grieve the loss of our youthful bodies and come to terms with accepting the body we have.
The way I figure it, there is someone for everyone, out there. Everywhere I go, I see people that you’d think would be totally unacceptable for everyone and yet, even they have someone. So I think we always have to remember that there is someone out there who will love us just the way we are and stop trying to fit the square peg in a round hole. So we need to accept ourselves for who we are and look for the person that loves us that way.
And it sounds like you need to change up how you look at women and maybe focus less on looks and more on the person they are and who can make you happy even if they are not gorgeous.
Anyone else struggling with these issues? Or have other ones?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Whoo hoot! I am on to page three of my book! It's a miracle!
I am trying to write an ebook on how to Date Smarter. Are you into it?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Making Lemonade Out Of Chaos
I am a well organized slob. I am not the person who puts things away right after using them. Never was, mostly sure I never will be.
Over the years of living alone, living with a family, being a single mother, I have gotten better. I do realize that if I don't clean things up, they will just sit there. I have come to appreciate that I am living in a community, even if that community is only me. Our households are mini communities that need to have some order, rules, expectations and schedule or it would all go to hell in a handbasket.
I made rules for myself and I made rules for my kids. I have my own tolerance level for how much mess and chaos I can take in my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom.....and then I clean like a mad fool.
I'd like to say I admire people who keep it clean all the time, but truthfully, I don't. Seems too sterile and boring to me. There's nothing like the surprise of finding a book you've been wanting to read under a pile of other important documents....or a $5 bill in a pocket! And, Omigod!, it is so great to sit in a clean house after you've had a purge! I'm not sure if I'd get that same rush from having it clean all the time. I'd miss it.
Lots of couples fight about which way is "the Right Way", (and, yes, they do use Capitals!), because so often one is a slob and the other a neatnik. I'm here to say there is no Right or Wrong so you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate it out.
I like using the "community" framework. Like you can do whatever you want with your own belongings and space as long as it doesn't impact the community. I used to tell my kids they could do whatever they wanted in their own rooms as long as they did not ruin the property in their rooms (which belonged to me) or keep community property (like dishes and DVDs) shut up in there.
So it's not OK for someone to bring food in their room and leave it to rot and attract ants and other creatures because it ties up a plate someone else might need and it damages the foundation of the house or carpet or mattress which costs money to replace. It's not OK to sleep on a bed without sheets because it ruins the mattress...get it?
So with couples, once you can agree there is no Right or Wrong way you can start figuring out how to develop a Respectful Community in which everyone lives and feels like a winner.
The Slob can be given specific surfaces on and in which they can clutter and be messy that are not common space, interfering with the others who live in the "community". They can choose to not open their mail for weeks as long as it doesn't ruin someone elses credit because they aren't paying bills on time, or at all. They can not do laundry and live out of the clothes hamper if they want, as long as their clothes do not make a "clothes mountain" in the bedroom, bathroom or any other common space. If they have a closet that they don't share, they can throw it all in there and not infringe on their partner. If they share a closet, they can only clutter their half or perhaps there is a way to put up a divider so the Neatnik doesn't have to see it.
The Neatnik can have certain areas that are always clean and orderly. They can decide which chores they are totally inflexible about and choose to do those themselves. If they want anyone else to do the chore they have to learn to let go of how well it is done and appreciate that they don't have to do it.
My inner Slob has learned that I don't have the right to slob all over everyone elses space. I don't have the right to have my mess affect someone else. But I do have the right to not be neat. And I don't want to feel shamed about it. I'm a Slob and I'm Proud! And I am also responsible to myself and others and developed systems for making sure I get my bills paid, my laundry done, my promises kept. I have a filing system so I know where to find things even though I may only file once every few months, or weeks depending on my mood. I don't expect others to keep my business taken care of, to clean up after me, to remember all the details of my life and anticipate my every need.
See if you can figure out how to be responsible for yourself in your relationships and your personal business. I think you'll feel better about yourself all around. Ask a therapist for help if you can't figure this out on your own. Some of us are pretty good at it. ;-)
Over the years of living alone, living with a family, being a single mother, I have gotten better. I do realize that if I don't clean things up, they will just sit there. I have come to appreciate that I am living in a community, even if that community is only me. Our households are mini communities that need to have some order, rules, expectations and schedule or it would all go to hell in a handbasket.
I made rules for myself and I made rules for my kids. I have my own tolerance level for how much mess and chaos I can take in my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom.....and then I clean like a mad fool.
I'd like to say I admire people who keep it clean all the time, but truthfully, I don't. Seems too sterile and boring to me. There's nothing like the surprise of finding a book you've been wanting to read under a pile of other important documents....or a $5 bill in a pocket! And, Omigod!, it is so great to sit in a clean house after you've had a purge! I'm not sure if I'd get that same rush from having it clean all the time. I'd miss it.
Lots of couples fight about which way is "the Right Way", (and, yes, they do use Capitals!), because so often one is a slob and the other a neatnik. I'm here to say there is no Right or Wrong so you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate it out.
I like using the "community" framework. Like you can do whatever you want with your own belongings and space as long as it doesn't impact the community. I used to tell my kids they could do whatever they wanted in their own rooms as long as they did not ruin the property in their rooms (which belonged to me) or keep community property (like dishes and DVDs) shut up in there.
So it's not OK for someone to bring food in their room and leave it to rot and attract ants and other creatures because it ties up a plate someone else might need and it damages the foundation of the house or carpet or mattress which costs money to replace. It's not OK to sleep on a bed without sheets because it ruins the mattress...get it?
So with couples, once you can agree there is no Right or Wrong way you can start figuring out how to develop a Respectful Community in which everyone lives and feels like a winner.
The Slob can be given specific surfaces on and in which they can clutter and be messy that are not common space, interfering with the others who live in the "community". They can choose to not open their mail for weeks as long as it doesn't ruin someone elses credit because they aren't paying bills on time, or at all. They can not do laundry and live out of the clothes hamper if they want, as long as their clothes do not make a "clothes mountain" in the bedroom, bathroom or any other common space. If they have a closet that they don't share, they can throw it all in there and not infringe on their partner. If they share a closet, they can only clutter their half or perhaps there is a way to put up a divider so the Neatnik doesn't have to see it.
The Neatnik can have certain areas that are always clean and orderly. They can decide which chores they are totally inflexible about and choose to do those themselves. If they want anyone else to do the chore they have to learn to let go of how well it is done and appreciate that they don't have to do it.
My inner Slob has learned that I don't have the right to slob all over everyone elses space. I don't have the right to have my mess affect someone else. But I do have the right to not be neat. And I don't want to feel shamed about it. I'm a Slob and I'm Proud! And I am also responsible to myself and others and developed systems for making sure I get my bills paid, my laundry done, my promises kept. I have a filing system so I know where to find things even though I may only file once every few months, or weeks depending on my mood. I don't expect others to keep my business taken care of, to clean up after me, to remember all the details of my life and anticipate my every need.
See if you can figure out how to be responsible for yourself in your relationships and your personal business. I think you'll feel better about yourself all around. Ask a therapist for help if you can't figure this out on your own. Some of us are pretty good at it. ;-)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Panic
Sometimes people's fears or past experiences trigger panic. The first few times this happens might be pretty scary and people have often worried they are having a heart attack or "going crazy".
Sometimes people have had anxiety for years but haven't had panic attacks before and some people have been having panic attacks occasionally but not on a regular basis.
What happens is that once you have had a panic attack and find out it is not a heart attach or stroke, but a panic attack, you get scared that they'll keep coming and you have lost control of yourself.
The fear of having a panic attack creates more panic attacks and you begin spiraling down. It's as if you have been infected and can't fight off the virus.
There are several ways to deal with panic attacks:
Medication is a quick fix for most people and can be a good choice. It can help decrease the ruminating that causes a lot of anxiety and get you back on course, keeping you from making panic a bad habit. There are sometimes negative side effects and so you have to work with your doctor over time to find the right medication and dosage. Talk to friends who have been on medications and hear what they have to say about what it did or did not do for them. Talk to the doctor you like and trust most and see what they advise.
Hynotherapy can help your subconscious manage fears better and a good hypnotherapist can give you a copy of your own CD so you can keep up the effects over time on your own. Call your insurance company and see if it is covered and which providers are covered.
Relaxation techniques/breathing techniques/acupressure techniques can be great tools to have in your toolkit for handling anxiety, depression and the occasional panic attack. There are several good self help books with ideas on all of these available in the library or bookstore or internet.
And good talk therapy can help you figure out how you learned to be such an anxious person and develop some conscious skills for handling the anxiety/panic when it comes up. Learning more about how you are interpreting situations and creating fear, pain, anger for yourself can help you divert yourself from going down the road to anxiety in the first place.
Here is a list of some other things you can do on your own when you find yourself having a panic attack:
1. Breathe
2. Look around you and remember where you are and remind yourself that you are safe
3. Listen to a relaxation tape or calming music
4. Call a friend or family member who understands and can help talk you down
5. Find comfort in your pet/s
6. Take a hot bath or shower
7. Meditate
8. Distract yourself with something if you can, like a book, movie, cleaning project
9. Get some physical exercise, run around the block, dance, anything that helps change your breathing, heartrate and expend anxious energy
10. Write it all down. Sometimes it helps to get the scary or obsessive thoughts out of your head and onto paper and plan some solutions
11. Do some artwork that helps shift your focus on something fun and beautiful
12. Get out of the house and let in other stimuli to try to shift your mood and focus
13. Get in your car and close the windows and yell or shout into a pillow
14. Don't hurt yourself or anyone else, stay safe
15. Add your own ideas here
16. Keep repeating until you get calmed down, don't give up
Sometimes people have had anxiety for years but haven't had panic attacks before and some people have been having panic attacks occasionally but not on a regular basis.
What happens is that once you have had a panic attack and find out it is not a heart attach or stroke, but a panic attack, you get scared that they'll keep coming and you have lost control of yourself.
The fear of having a panic attack creates more panic attacks and you begin spiraling down. It's as if you have been infected and can't fight off the virus.
There are several ways to deal with panic attacks:
Medication is a quick fix for most people and can be a good choice. It can help decrease the ruminating that causes a lot of anxiety and get you back on course, keeping you from making panic a bad habit. There are sometimes negative side effects and so you have to work with your doctor over time to find the right medication and dosage. Talk to friends who have been on medications and hear what they have to say about what it did or did not do for them. Talk to the doctor you like and trust most and see what they advise.
Hynotherapy can help your subconscious manage fears better and a good hypnotherapist can give you a copy of your own CD so you can keep up the effects over time on your own. Call your insurance company and see if it is covered and which providers are covered.
Relaxation techniques/breathing techniques/acupressure techniques can be great tools to have in your toolkit for handling anxiety, depression and the occasional panic attack. There are several good self help books with ideas on all of these available in the library or bookstore or internet.
And good talk therapy can help you figure out how you learned to be such an anxious person and develop some conscious skills for handling the anxiety/panic when it comes up. Learning more about how you are interpreting situations and creating fear, pain, anger for yourself can help you divert yourself from going down the road to anxiety in the first place.
Here is a list of some other things you can do on your own when you find yourself having a panic attack:
1. Breathe
2. Look around you and remember where you are and remind yourself that you are safe
3. Listen to a relaxation tape or calming music
4. Call a friend or family member who understands and can help talk you down
5. Find comfort in your pet/s
6. Take a hot bath or shower
7. Meditate
8. Distract yourself with something if you can, like a book, movie, cleaning project
9. Get some physical exercise, run around the block, dance, anything that helps change your breathing, heartrate and expend anxious energy
10. Write it all down. Sometimes it helps to get the scary or obsessive thoughts out of your head and onto paper and plan some solutions
11. Do some artwork that helps shift your focus on something fun and beautiful
12. Get out of the house and let in other stimuli to try to shift your mood and focus
13. Get in your car and close the windows and yell or shout into a pillow
14. Don't hurt yourself or anyone else, stay safe
15. Add your own ideas here
16. Keep repeating until you get calmed down, don't give up
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Are You Listening?
Listening is such an important skill to have when we want to have healthy and rewarding relationships and yet we are trained from childhood in many ways that get in the way of being a really good listener.
When we listen well to others it gives the message that we are committed to the relationship and that we value them.
It is important to set aside our concerns, prejudices, beliefs, anxieties and self interest in order to completely listen to another person's thoughts.
The following is a list of some of the blocks to good listening. Read through them and identify which ones get in the way of you being a good listener.
COMPARING
When you are busy thinking about whether the other person is smarter or you are, or comparing competence with the other person you are not hearing much of what is being said.
MIND READING
When you are trying to figure out what the other person REALLY means, listening to tone, inflection and subtle clues instead of the actual words, you are not paying attention.
REHEARSING
This is when you are busy thinking about what you want to say in response. It is hard to hear the other person when you are busy planning a response.
FILTERING
You are only listening to a part of what the other person is saying. You are trying to figure out the other person, their feelings and intentions to see if the conversation is safe or important. You tend to lose interest and stop listening if the conversation does not interest you, or if you feel you are not safe or are too safe.
JUDGING
You make a judgement about the other person or what they are saying first and then stop listening to them or listen with a bias.
DREAMING
When the other person is talking you start to think about other things or start a conversation with yourself in your own head. You may zone out for a period of time and miss what they have said.
IDENTIFYING
You are so busy trying to find similar experiences in your own life that you haven't heard all of what the other person is telling you.
SPARRING
You focus on finding things to disagree with so you can argue or debate. You may use sarcasm or superior knowledge to put the other person's view down.
BEING RIGHT
You can't listen to any criticism or disagreement. You always have to be right and go to any length to prove you are. You might shout, make excuses or accuse the other person to avoid being wrong. You certainly are not listening to their opinion because it is too threatening to you.
DERAILING
You might find yourself getting bored or uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and change the direction of the conversation rather than hear what the other person is saying.
PLACATING
If it is more important to you to be liked than be part of the conversation you might agree with everything and not really be involved or listen.
Once you have identified some of the ways you are not listening to your fullest capacity, try to figure out what's behind your behavior. Is it habit and training or did some emotion get triggered?
What and how can you change this behavior? You can ask others for help. You can practice paraphrasing what people say to make sure you have heard it all before you give your response.
To have more respectful communication you have to own your own feelings and responses. For more help with this contact me or read some of the books I have in my recommended reading list.
When we listen well to others it gives the message that we are committed to the relationship and that we value them.
It is important to set aside our concerns, prejudices, beliefs, anxieties and self interest in order to completely listen to another person's thoughts.
The following is a list of some of the blocks to good listening. Read through them and identify which ones get in the way of you being a good listener.
COMPARING
When you are busy thinking about whether the other person is smarter or you are, or comparing competence with the other person you are not hearing much of what is being said.
MIND READING
When you are trying to figure out what the other person REALLY means, listening to tone, inflection and subtle clues instead of the actual words, you are not paying attention.
REHEARSING
This is when you are busy thinking about what you want to say in response. It is hard to hear the other person when you are busy planning a response.
FILTERING
You are only listening to a part of what the other person is saying. You are trying to figure out the other person, their feelings and intentions to see if the conversation is safe or important. You tend to lose interest and stop listening if the conversation does not interest you, or if you feel you are not safe or are too safe.
JUDGING
You make a judgement about the other person or what they are saying first and then stop listening to them or listen with a bias.
DREAMING
When the other person is talking you start to think about other things or start a conversation with yourself in your own head. You may zone out for a period of time and miss what they have said.
IDENTIFYING
You are so busy trying to find similar experiences in your own life that you haven't heard all of what the other person is telling you.
SPARRING
You focus on finding things to disagree with so you can argue or debate. You may use sarcasm or superior knowledge to put the other person's view down.
BEING RIGHT
You can't listen to any criticism or disagreement. You always have to be right and go to any length to prove you are. You might shout, make excuses or accuse the other person to avoid being wrong. You certainly are not listening to their opinion because it is too threatening to you.
DERAILING
You might find yourself getting bored or uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and change the direction of the conversation rather than hear what the other person is saying.
PLACATING
If it is more important to you to be liked than be part of the conversation you might agree with everything and not really be involved or listen.
Once you have identified some of the ways you are not listening to your fullest capacity, try to figure out what's behind your behavior. Is it habit and training or did some emotion get triggered?
What and how can you change this behavior? You can ask others for help. You can practice paraphrasing what people say to make sure you have heard it all before you give your response.
To have more respectful communication you have to own your own feelings and responses. For more help with this contact me or read some of the books I have in my recommended reading list.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Patience
Sometimes in life we just have to be patient.
When I was younger I thought I could control more...no, actually I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right. If anything in the world might could be wrong or go wrong somehow it was my job to make it better.
As I have traveled through life I have not only learned that it is NOT my job, but also that I can't control things anyway, and furthermore, it is not always in my or others interests for me to do so anyway.
People used to quote that saying, "If you love someone, set them free. If it is meant to be they will come back to you...." and I thought it was a load of crap. It was one of those sayings that you are supposed to believe but don't because the need was so great you couldn't let go of wanting it, right? And then I'd doubt myself and think maybe that is really how I should think if I was a good and healthy person.
We can no more control these feelings than end world hunger when we are up to our necks in the emotions of it. Being told, or telling ourselves that we should think and act and feel differently will go over our heads until we work through some issues for ourselves.
Our shame about our imperfections, our selves, creates a need to try to control and make everything right. Failing to do so increases our shame and feelings of imperfection. It is a downward spiral until we deal with our shame and find a way to like and even love ourselves.
Once we love and respect ourselves it gets easier to love and respect others. To allow them to live their lives the way they see fit. We no longer need to control for outcomes in relationships, in our lives. We recognize the value of allowing others to find their own way....we can enjoy them so much more when they are there of their own volition, fully there with us.
And if we love and respect ourselves we can also trust ourselves and believe that we can handle whatever comes our way.
We can be patient.
When I was younger I thought I could control more...no, actually I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right. If anything in the world might could be wrong or go wrong somehow it was my job to make it better.
As I have traveled through life I have not only learned that it is NOT my job, but also that I can't control things anyway, and furthermore, it is not always in my or others interests for me to do so anyway.
People used to quote that saying, "If you love someone, set them free. If it is meant to be they will come back to you...." and I thought it was a load of crap. It was one of those sayings that you are supposed to believe but don't because the need was so great you couldn't let go of wanting it, right? And then I'd doubt myself and think maybe that is really how I should think if I was a good and healthy person.
We can no more control these feelings than end world hunger when we are up to our necks in the emotions of it. Being told, or telling ourselves that we should think and act and feel differently will go over our heads until we work through some issues for ourselves.
Our shame about our imperfections, our selves, creates a need to try to control and make everything right. Failing to do so increases our shame and feelings of imperfection. It is a downward spiral until we deal with our shame and find a way to like and even love ourselves.
Once we love and respect ourselves it gets easier to love and respect others. To allow them to live their lives the way they see fit. We no longer need to control for outcomes in relationships, in our lives. We recognize the value of allowing others to find their own way....we can enjoy them so much more when they are there of their own volition, fully there with us.
And if we love and respect ourselves we can also trust ourselves and believe that we can handle whatever comes our way.
We can be patient.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Gossip May 26
Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Loving Ourselves Unconditionally
Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Effective Parenting
By Bethany Winkel - May 4th 2011
Parenting is hard work. There are countless how-to books that give parents all sorts of advice on the best methods to raising their kids. But new parents aren’t required to take a test or become licensed, and actually, many people become parents without really being prepared. Even well-meaning parents, however, can end up with children that abuse alcohol or drugs, and these parents often wonder where they went wrong.
Some parents make idle threats to their kids or become wishy-washy when trying to discipline. Other parents take the opposite approach and become degrading toward their children, using overly harsh punishments and even abuse. Both of these types of extreme parenting are more likely to produce children that abuse drugs or alcohol.
Parents That Are Too Lenient
Sometimes we as parents forget to follow through with discipline, or we don’t realize how important it is. Some parents make threats to punish their child for offenses, but seldom carry them out when the child disobeys. Other parents don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings or cause conflict by scolding or punishing, so they let their child get away with anything. This type of parenting naturally produces kids and teens that think they can do what they want. Many of these kids see their parents more as friends than parents, and they may be the teens that openly do drugs or drink because they know their parents won’t care.
Parents need to set rules before their child gets to be a teenager, and follow through with appropriate punishments, in order to lay the groundwork for the difficult teenage years. Kids need to know that drugs and alcohol are absolutely not allowed, and that there are consequences to substance abuse.
Overly Strict Parents
Other parents jump on their kids for the smallest mistakes and continuously talk down to their children. A child whose parents are nagging all the time, setting unnecessarily strict rules, and even using abuse as punishment may also turn to substance abuse. These kids tend to feel so oppressed that at the first chance to rebel, they do so. Sometimes the kids will try drugs or alcohol to get away from their dysfunctional home, or to cause their parents pain. Others feel so hurt and abused already that getting in trouble for substance abuse can’t be much worse than what they already experience.
Sensible Parenting
A conscientious parent will set firm, but fair rules, and teach their child to follow them. Parents should talk with their child about drug and alcohol abuse, and make the consequences to breaking the rules very clear. However, parents should have these kinds of talks with their child in a loving way, and help their child see the reasons behind the rules. Parents should explain the dangers of substance abuse, and help their child see that these rules are for their own good. Parenting is difficult, but by taking a step back and looking at what kind of parent we are, we can help our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and substance-free.
Parenting is hard work. There are countless how-to books that give parents all sorts of advice on the best methods to raising their kids. But new parents aren’t required to take a test or become licensed, and actually, many people become parents without really being prepared. Even well-meaning parents, however, can end up with children that abuse alcohol or drugs, and these parents often wonder where they went wrong.
Some parents make idle threats to their kids or become wishy-washy when trying to discipline. Other parents take the opposite approach and become degrading toward their children, using overly harsh punishments and even abuse. Both of these types of extreme parenting are more likely to produce children that abuse drugs or alcohol.
Parents That Are Too Lenient
Sometimes we as parents forget to follow through with discipline, or we don’t realize how important it is. Some parents make threats to punish their child for offenses, but seldom carry them out when the child disobeys. Other parents don’t want to hurt their child’s feelings or cause conflict by scolding or punishing, so they let their child get away with anything. This type of parenting naturally produces kids and teens that think they can do what they want. Many of these kids see their parents more as friends than parents, and they may be the teens that openly do drugs or drink because they know their parents won’t care.
Parents need to set rules before their child gets to be a teenager, and follow through with appropriate punishments, in order to lay the groundwork for the difficult teenage years. Kids need to know that drugs and alcohol are absolutely not allowed, and that there are consequences to substance abuse.
Overly Strict Parents
Other parents jump on their kids for the smallest mistakes and continuously talk down to their children. A child whose parents are nagging all the time, setting unnecessarily strict rules, and even using abuse as punishment may also turn to substance abuse. These kids tend to feel so oppressed that at the first chance to rebel, they do so. Sometimes the kids will try drugs or alcohol to get away from their dysfunctional home, or to cause their parents pain. Others feel so hurt and abused already that getting in trouble for substance abuse can’t be much worse than what they already experience.
Sensible Parenting
A conscientious parent will set firm, but fair rules, and teach their child to follow them. Parents should talk with their child about drug and alcohol abuse, and make the consequences to breaking the rules very clear. However, parents should have these kinds of talks with their child in a loving way, and help their child see the reasons behind the rules. Parents should explain the dangers of substance abuse, and help their child see that these rules are for their own good. Parenting is difficult, but by taking a step back and looking at what kind of parent we are, we can help our kids to grow up happy, healthy, and substance-free.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Self Love 5/16/11 (From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie)
"I woke up this morning and I had a hard time for a while," said one recovering man. "Then I realized it was because I wasn't liking myself very much." Recovering people often say: "I just don't like myself. When will I start liking myself?".
The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical towards ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves might require dedicated effort.
But what a valuable venture!
By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.
We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.
Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed will enough.
We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.
We can commit to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.
We can recognize that we are deserving of love.
We can do loving things for ourselves.
We can love other people and let them love us.
People who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.
Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.
The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical towards ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves might require dedicated effort.
But what a valuable venture!
By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.
We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.
Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed will enough.
We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.
We can commit to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.
We can recognize that we are deserving of love.
We can do loving things for ourselves.
We can love other people and let them love us.
People who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.
Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother Love
Today is the day we show our love to our mother, right? They set up this day just in case we forgot to show love the rest of the year, right?
So we were driving with my mother (who I see every weekend) out to the Apple store for a two hour tutorial on how to use her laptop, iPad and iPod Touch more effectively, when we see it. A big shiny black streeeettttcccchhhh limo gliding alongside out little Honda Fit. And the question came to me..."do those people really love their mother more than I love mine?" I mean, wow, that limo was a huge mother (no pun intended) and must've cost them a mint, right?
Is how much we love people directly proportionate to how much we spend on them?
How do people show their love? What if the way you like to show love isn't felt like love to the other person? Does that mean you love them less or does that make them ungrateful?
Me? I show my love for my mother by being there. Not just physically, although I do that too. I mean I show up. We talk about books and movies and relationships and feelings and ideas and memories. And we have fought out crap that gets in the way of our love flowing. We have fought and fought and fought until we got it right. I bring me..... and I stay.
I believe this matters most to her and it is most satisfying for us both.
If you love someone, anyone, show up....fight it out...and stay.
So we were driving with my mother (who I see every weekend) out to the Apple store for a two hour tutorial on how to use her laptop, iPad and iPod Touch more effectively, when we see it. A big shiny black streeeettttcccchhhh limo gliding alongside out little Honda Fit. And the question came to me..."do those people really love their mother more than I love mine?" I mean, wow, that limo was a huge mother (no pun intended) and must've cost them a mint, right?
Is how much we love people directly proportionate to how much we spend on them?
How do people show their love? What if the way you like to show love isn't felt like love to the other person? Does that mean you love them less or does that make them ungrateful?
Me? I show my love for my mother by being there. Not just physically, although I do that too. I mean I show up. We talk about books and movies and relationships and feelings and ideas and memories. And we have fought out crap that gets in the way of our love flowing. We have fought and fought and fought until we got it right. I bring me..... and I stay.
I believe this matters most to her and it is most satisfying for us both.
If you love someone, anyone, show up....fight it out...and stay.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Relaxation From Anxiety
I find it really helpful to use recorded guided relaxation CDs when I'm feeling anxious and many of my clients have found it helpful as well. If you try to relax on your own sometimes the chatter in your own head about it can interfere with any peace. With guided meditations/relaxations someone elses voice leads you into a peaceful state and then you can take a more passive mind stance.
Everyone may like a different voice or style so check out many different ones and see what works best for you.
Check out some of these links:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm
http://www.quietmindsolutions.com
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
YouTube: type in relaxation
http://www.thechillsessions.com
www.healthjourneys.com
There is also a fun iPhone/iPad App called Shrinky: Anxiety that has a good program you can carry around with you. I see there is also a Shrinky: Anger but I haven't tried it.
Let me know if you find anything especially good so I can pass the information on.
Everyone may like a different voice or style so check out many different ones and see what works best for you.
Check out some of these links:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm
http://www.quietmindsolutions.com
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22
YouTube: type in relaxation
http://www.thechillsessions.com
www.healthjourneys.com
There is also a fun iPhone/iPad App called Shrinky: Anxiety that has a good program you can carry around with you. I see there is also a Shrinky: Anger but I haven't tried it.
Let me know if you find anything especially good so I can pass the information on.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Relationships
Sometimes I am so puzzled by how people manage their relationships. People do not always stick to their values when they act.
If we believe in direct and open communication and resolving conflicts in relationships, why do we, at times, talk behind people's backs or avoid someone when there is a problem?
Why do we listen to what others say about someone else without checking the facts or asking if what they have said is true?
If we don't believe in gossiping why do we engage in it? What's the pull? I think it often happens when we are feeling powerless or scared of rejection. Especially women are trained in this and tend to gossip when they feel uncomfortable, hoping to pull in allies so they don't feel alone.
How do we determine when it's gossip and when it's appropriate to report concerns about someone, whether it's personal or professional?
I, once, early in my career, worked at a clinic where there were a lot of boundary and ethical violations, personal and professional. When I began working there I got an intuitive feeling that there was something crazy going on. But I was young and new and didn't trust myself, so I started talking about the craziness, asking others what they thought. Some of the others working there tried to shame me or shut me up. I did feel shame about this for years.
But this experience taught me that I have a good radar for system craziness and that my talking about it was a healthy thing, not a shameful thing. I was vindicated when we found out that there were many ethical violations going on at the clinic. The other therapists were alerted when I started running my mouth and everyone started to look more closely at some of the improprieties. The unethical behaviors came out and the clinic disbanded after attempting to correct itself using a consultant.
I believe that professionally I have responsibility to maintain good boundaries and make sure my clientele are safe. If I can help another therapist learn healthier boundaries, I feel I have done some good rather than "gossiping" to hurt someone else.
Personally I have to be careful about gossiping. It is attractive when I am feeling unsafe in social relationships. I try to remember I do not need to get grandiose or "one up" on others to feel good about myself. I don't want to hurt another person ever if I can help it, even if I feel hurt by their behavior.
When I can tell the difference and do the right thing I feel proud of myself for having done something good for the world. Life is in balance.
If we believe in direct and open communication and resolving conflicts in relationships, why do we, at times, talk behind people's backs or avoid someone when there is a problem?
Why do we listen to what others say about someone else without checking the facts or asking if what they have said is true?
If we don't believe in gossiping why do we engage in it? What's the pull? I think it often happens when we are feeling powerless or scared of rejection. Especially women are trained in this and tend to gossip when they feel uncomfortable, hoping to pull in allies so they don't feel alone.
How do we determine when it's gossip and when it's appropriate to report concerns about someone, whether it's personal or professional?
I, once, early in my career, worked at a clinic where there were a lot of boundary and ethical violations, personal and professional. When I began working there I got an intuitive feeling that there was something crazy going on. But I was young and new and didn't trust myself, so I started talking about the craziness, asking others what they thought. Some of the others working there tried to shame me or shut me up. I did feel shame about this for years.
But this experience taught me that I have a good radar for system craziness and that my talking about it was a healthy thing, not a shameful thing. I was vindicated when we found out that there were many ethical violations going on at the clinic. The other therapists were alerted when I started running my mouth and everyone started to look more closely at some of the improprieties. The unethical behaviors came out and the clinic disbanded after attempting to correct itself using a consultant.
I believe that professionally I have responsibility to maintain good boundaries and make sure my clientele are safe. If I can help another therapist learn healthier boundaries, I feel I have done some good rather than "gossiping" to hurt someone else.
Personally I have to be careful about gossiping. It is attractive when I am feeling unsafe in social relationships. I try to remember I do not need to get grandiose or "one up" on others to feel good about myself. I don't want to hurt another person ever if I can help it, even if I feel hurt by their behavior.
When I can tell the difference and do the right thing I feel proud of myself for having done something good for the world. Life is in balance.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Shame-Grandiosity-Disrespect-Violence
Every time we turn around these days there is some horrible event or comment in the news or in our world. Whether it is the ways we abuse ourselves inside of our own heads, or how we and the people we associate with are sarcastic or rude or outright mean, or the ways people talk about issues in government, or on the TV, or a young mentally ill man purchasing a gun and shooting people, there seem to be some common variables, some connections.
Over the years I've spent trying to help people feel better about themselves so they can stand up for themselves in relationships and lead joyful lives, I have heard some horror stories and seen some "shameless" behaviors right in my office. Over the years I have tried to understand this better in hopes of helping people make better choices for themselves about their own actions as well as what they will tolerate from others. I read books and watched movies, I took classes and talked to colleagues. I examined my own inner workings and motivations.
I think I have figured a few things out. At least I have found a way to make sense of it for myself and this has helped me guide myself in my relationships and find some way of having peace in my own life fully acknowledging that I cannot fix everyone nor can I stop disrespect, meanness and violence from occurring in the world. But maybe if I can change and help others to change we can get a little bit closer to living in a peaceful world. Maybe if we each work on our own change, each of us will impact others and create a chain effect and positive revolution in the world of relationships.
Over the years I have taken bits and pieces of things and put them together and I share them with my clients in therapy. I am going to attempt to put it all together in this blog and hope it all flows and makes as much sense to you as it does to me. Some people think violence comes from testosterone or is some kind of a rite of passage. I think most violence, disrespect, intolerance, judgmentalism comes from being shame based.
Most of us were raised in shame based families and went to shame based schools and listened to shame based examples on the news, TV, movies and in our communities. Most of us had peer groups who used shame to keep us in line or excluded us to make themselves feel better. We learned to not trust others or ourselves. We learned to fear any imperfection as it might lead ourselves and others to see us as unloveable and worthless.
When we behave badly it is healthy to have some remorse. When we make mistakes it is healthy to recognize it and learn from it. When we go to shame, and I'm talking about TOXIC shame, we have dropped out of a healthy response and into self hatred and feelings of such worthlessness that our self worth can be non existent, we may feel as if we are unloveable pieces of shit.
How did we learn to go there? Feeling that depth of self hatred is an uncomfortable place to be. It is scary. Will I ever be able to get out of this place? Will others notice and shun me, leaving me all alone? Will people laugh at me, make fun of me verifying my worthlessness? Can I survive my life and expose myself anymore? Is it safe? So that leaves us with a few choices: hide out and isolate so that you don't have to worry about others seeing how bad you really are, live in denial and get numb so you don't see or feel badly or you can take that "hot potato" of shame and toss it to someone else. We learn to attack others and put them down in order to deflect our own feelings of shame.
Being grandiose, better than, self righteous always feels better than shame. This is why so many people get so defensive or toss the hot potato of shame by blaming and shaming the other party or rage at others. That is until they realize what they're doing and how it is impacting the people they love or notice how people tend to avoid them.
If you decide you want to live a life in which you stick to your principles of being respectful to yourself and others, you have to conquer your own shame triggers. You have to figure out something else to do with that hot potato than foisting it onto someone else. You have to learn to soothe yourself. You begin to see that by throwing the shame to someone else you are responsible for keeping the world in a vicious circle of anger and hatred and disrespect and violence and self righteousness and intolerance. So what does this have to do with violence? With our current political rhetoric? With a shooter killing innocent people? With bullying amongst children and adults? With why batterers hit people they claim to love? Why is it so hard to admit we are wrong or have made a mistake? I think it has everything to do with it. How do we take these ideas and extrapolate them to figure out what is wreaking havoc in our world?
Religion, politics, sexuality, money, land rights....it doesn't really matter what the conflict is. Why are people so intolerant of other people having different beliefs? Why is it so important to be Number One? If people disagree why do they feel the need to belittle the other person or party or group?
I have thought a lot about why or rather how people are able to hurt, put down and kill others. In order to hurt animals or other humans one has to be in a certain frame of mind, don't they? Even people who wouldn't hurt a fly under normal circumstances can find themselves in such an emotional state that they feel like they can or have the right to hurt someone else. What does it take to get there? Sometimes it's easy to see where someone's shame has gotten triggered. Other times all we see is the grandiosity of the stance. But I have come to believe there is always some shame or fear underneath all aggression and grandiosity. I don't always know what it is but I'd bet it's there somewhere.
In order for any person, or group of people, to feel that they can hurt, maim, enslave or kill others they usually find a way to depersonalize the "other". People who would never murder "one of their own", find it easy to do horrific things to people or animals they can consider an "other". "Other" equals "shameful worthless creature". In finding others we can view that way it enables us to feel "one up", more worthy than they.
I posit, then, that people who want to aggress towards others are, indeed, feeling "less than" themselves and are needing to find someone else to put beneath them to boost their own self esteem.
Politicians, and other greedy people use this to turn people against each other, group against group, race against race, gender against gender. If they get flame the fires of fear, fear of being "less than", they can cause uprisings of group against group, individuals against groups or other individuals. They can get people fighting for the bones while they go on to reap the rewards. We are so busy trying to be "one up", to "save ourselves" that they end up walking away with the prize.
It's time for each of us to search our own souls, to determine how we can be the best person we want to be, to learn how to live with respect. Respect of ourselves first and then of all others. Not just OUR family. Not just OUR group. Everyone. We are all good and deserving of respect.
Let's start now.
Over the years I've spent trying to help people feel better about themselves so they can stand up for themselves in relationships and lead joyful lives, I have heard some horror stories and seen some "shameless" behaviors right in my office. Over the years I have tried to understand this better in hopes of helping people make better choices for themselves about their own actions as well as what they will tolerate from others. I read books and watched movies, I took classes and talked to colleagues. I examined my own inner workings and motivations.
I think I have figured a few things out. At least I have found a way to make sense of it for myself and this has helped me guide myself in my relationships and find some way of having peace in my own life fully acknowledging that I cannot fix everyone nor can I stop disrespect, meanness and violence from occurring in the world. But maybe if I can change and help others to change we can get a little bit closer to living in a peaceful world. Maybe if we each work on our own change, each of us will impact others and create a chain effect and positive revolution in the world of relationships.
Over the years I have taken bits and pieces of things and put them together and I share them with my clients in therapy. I am going to attempt to put it all together in this blog and hope it all flows and makes as much sense to you as it does to me. Some people think violence comes from testosterone or is some kind of a rite of passage. I think most violence, disrespect, intolerance, judgmentalism comes from being shame based.
Most of us were raised in shame based families and went to shame based schools and listened to shame based examples on the news, TV, movies and in our communities. Most of us had peer groups who used shame to keep us in line or excluded us to make themselves feel better. We learned to not trust others or ourselves. We learned to fear any imperfection as it might lead ourselves and others to see us as unloveable and worthless.
When we behave badly it is healthy to have some remorse. When we make mistakes it is healthy to recognize it and learn from it. When we go to shame, and I'm talking about TOXIC shame, we have dropped out of a healthy response and into self hatred and feelings of such worthlessness that our self worth can be non existent, we may feel as if we are unloveable pieces of shit.
How did we learn to go there? Feeling that depth of self hatred is an uncomfortable place to be. It is scary. Will I ever be able to get out of this place? Will others notice and shun me, leaving me all alone? Will people laugh at me, make fun of me verifying my worthlessness? Can I survive my life and expose myself anymore? Is it safe? So that leaves us with a few choices: hide out and isolate so that you don't have to worry about others seeing how bad you really are, live in denial and get numb so you don't see or feel badly or you can take that "hot potato" of shame and toss it to someone else. We learn to attack others and put them down in order to deflect our own feelings of shame.
Being grandiose, better than, self righteous always feels better than shame. This is why so many people get so defensive or toss the hot potato of shame by blaming and shaming the other party or rage at others. That is until they realize what they're doing and how it is impacting the people they love or notice how people tend to avoid them.
If you decide you want to live a life in which you stick to your principles of being respectful to yourself and others, you have to conquer your own shame triggers. You have to figure out something else to do with that hot potato than foisting it onto someone else. You have to learn to soothe yourself. You begin to see that by throwing the shame to someone else you are responsible for keeping the world in a vicious circle of anger and hatred and disrespect and violence and self righteousness and intolerance. So what does this have to do with violence? With our current political rhetoric? With a shooter killing innocent people? With bullying amongst children and adults? With why batterers hit people they claim to love? Why is it so hard to admit we are wrong or have made a mistake? I think it has everything to do with it. How do we take these ideas and extrapolate them to figure out what is wreaking havoc in our world?
Religion, politics, sexuality, money, land rights....it doesn't really matter what the conflict is. Why are people so intolerant of other people having different beliefs? Why is it so important to be Number One? If people disagree why do they feel the need to belittle the other person or party or group?
I have thought a lot about why or rather how people are able to hurt, put down and kill others. In order to hurt animals or other humans one has to be in a certain frame of mind, don't they? Even people who wouldn't hurt a fly under normal circumstances can find themselves in such an emotional state that they feel like they can or have the right to hurt someone else. What does it take to get there? Sometimes it's easy to see where someone's shame has gotten triggered. Other times all we see is the grandiosity of the stance. But I have come to believe there is always some shame or fear underneath all aggression and grandiosity. I don't always know what it is but I'd bet it's there somewhere.
In order for any person, or group of people, to feel that they can hurt, maim, enslave or kill others they usually find a way to depersonalize the "other". People who would never murder "one of their own", find it easy to do horrific things to people or animals they can consider an "other". "Other" equals "shameful worthless creature". In finding others we can view that way it enables us to feel "one up", more worthy than they.
I posit, then, that people who want to aggress towards others are, indeed, feeling "less than" themselves and are needing to find someone else to put beneath them to boost their own self esteem.
Politicians, and other greedy people use this to turn people against each other, group against group, race against race, gender against gender. If they get flame the fires of fear, fear of being "less than", they can cause uprisings of group against group, individuals against groups or other individuals. They can get people fighting for the bones while they go on to reap the rewards. We are so busy trying to be "one up", to "save ourselves" that they end up walking away with the prize.
It's time for each of us to search our own souls, to determine how we can be the best person we want to be, to learn how to live with respect. Respect of ourselves first and then of all others. Not just OUR family. Not just OUR group. Everyone. We are all good and deserving of respect.
Let's start now.
Friday, January 28, 2011
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