One of the things I hear all of the time from both men and women of all ages is the dilemma of what to do in their relationships when the person they are in love with behaves badly. Bad behaviors take many forms in relationships; from blatant misbehavior like affairs and physical abuse to less easily identifiable misbehaviors of the verbally abusive miscreants who play mind games that wear away at their partners confidence and self esteem.
We teach our young people to be kind and understanding and generous in their relationships. Girls are trained by their families and peers to not be "mean" to others, using fear of being alone the rest of their lives as the leverage to gain their compliance. Boys are trained to be unfazed by the relationality going on around them. Boys and men who don't want to be the stereotypical detached guy, work at being more open and accepting of women's bad behaviors in an effort to be the special man who can meet her needs. When boys and girls don't get their emotional needs met as children they often look to members of the opposite sex to help them feel "complete" and loved. This leaves them vulnerable to "settling" for relationships that don't really give them what they want and deserve. They can get attached too quickly, before they really know the person, and once attached, have trouble leaving when things go south. "But I LOVE him", I hear over and over. "I want to spend my life with this person". In spite of the facts; that their beloved partner is emotionally unavailable, angry all the time, putting them down, fiscally irresponsible, borrowing money and never paying them back, has unexplainable absences, text messages, phone calls, or always busy elsewhere, unable to stand up for their partner, running them into the ground with debt from businesses that never take off, not pulling their weight caring for the children or household, doesn't keep healthy boundaries with extended family members or others who are potential love interests, or is constantly trying to control what they do and who the see, who demand all of their attention or are always busy elsewhere love addicts everywhere hope and fantasize that things will change. The fantasy is that if they can only say the right thing at the right time their lover will see the light and automatically change. If only we love them enough and help heal their emotional wounds they will love us and give us the love we desire. Many people stay stuck in this place for years and years. Their own childhood wounds and past relationship unfinished business makes them vulnerable to putting up with bad behavior and settle for less than they deserve. When I work with people I help them look honestly and without the rose-colored glasses at what they really are experiencing in their relationships. I then offer choices of how to address the problems from just considering options to learning how to maintain healthy boundaries and ask for what they need to actually setting a firm limit and leaving the relationship. Each person gets to choose how much change they want to make and at what point they choose to make the changes. As I look back on my own life I have often asked myself, "if you could go back to talk to yourself as a teenager, what would you tell yourself that would have helped you not make the mistakes you have made in your life?". The answer that I have developed is that I would say, " Do not allow anyone to treat you badly and walk away when they do. And never settle for less than being treated with respect and love."
When I work with teenagers I have focused on this message for the past 5-10 years especially. I have worked with them to find their inner strength and like themselves and not put up with the kind of crap that our young men try to pull. I talk to them about being leaders and helping out all women and men by not putting up with bad behavior. I talk about how lack of tolerance for bad behavior could keep their young men and women from growing up to be adults who behave badly.
So imagine my joy and pride when I spoke recently to a young woman whom I have seen off and on throughout her teen years. She is now a college student who has a wonderful creative spirit. She has great values about relationships that she has learned from her family and our therapy as well as from all the experiences she has opened herself up to in the past four years.
She was very distressed recently when her boyfriend of the past 2-3 years had told her he had " cheated" on her. He had gone to a party, gotten drunk, and gone into a bedroom with another young woman and kissed her. That was the extent of the cheating but she felt strongly that women shouldn't put up with this and had vowed that she would not. She was torn because she loves him and thinks he is a good person and he had told her about it and felt remorseful. He told her he felt horrible and would never do it again.
The problem is, as she discussed it, that he already has a pattern of being kind of "unconscious" and passive about relational boundaries as well as some questionable alcohol use. They had discussed these issues several times and each time he had said he would change. Should she stick it out and help him work on these issues or should she forge forth in her own path which may or may not include him in the future? Ultimately she chose herself and told him she was done. I think that surprised him and I think she even surprised herself. Me? I admire this young woman's integrity and strength and wish I could have been like her when I was young. It would have saved me a lot of pain and thankless efforts in my past relationships. I think we can all take a lesson from her and stick to taking care of ourselves first even if it seems scary at times.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Family Meetings
Whether you are a couple with or without children, there is a lot to sort out and coordinate in your busy lives. It is easy to get caught up in work and errands and social engagements, the "business" of life. But for many couples and families it takes over and there is no time or energy left for relationships and the intimacy that makes them tick. Then feelings get hurt and anger rises and people start to grow apart, begin to look to get their needs met by other activities and people. There are many reasons that couples grow apart, a lot can happen over time in a relationship.
Whatever the reason, when you decide that you want to work on building the trust and the teamwork that will bring you back to feeling connected, there are some things you can do that will help. First of all it is important to set your family and the management of it as a priority. Weekly "Family Meetings" are one of the ways I encourage couples and families to work at developing respectful and productive relationships.
Setting a time each week where you meet to discuss all family business helps you find ways to feel closer and more connected. It's a time to review schedules, discuss plans for projects, vacations, finances, holidays and anything else you have going on in your busy lives.
I always recommend that there be a family calendar on the refrigerator or somewhere else that is central to the family's daily lives. Then everyone can check it to see what's on the schedule before planning anything. For the more technologically advanced of you, you can use your online shared calendars that can be accessed by everyone.
Having an agenda for the meetings helps you to stay focused and get all the "work" done during the meeting. You can post a blank agenda on the refrigerator so that anyone can write in an item during the week that they would like discussed at the next meeting.
You can even have a notebook with the notes from previous meetings to refer back to when you forget what decisions you made at a previous meeting.
I am putting together some suggested guidelines for meetings, blank agendas and other forms that you might find useful. Email me, leave your contact information or sign up to be a follower and I can send these out to you or let you know when they are posted on my website and my blog.
I have the Family Meeting outlines and forms available now so email me and I will send them out to you. Soon they will be available on my blog or website for free as a download.
Whatever the reason, when you decide that you want to work on building the trust and the teamwork that will bring you back to feeling connected, there are some things you can do that will help. First of all it is important to set your family and the management of it as a priority. Weekly "Family Meetings" are one of the ways I encourage couples and families to work at developing respectful and productive relationships.
Setting a time each week where you meet to discuss all family business helps you find ways to feel closer and more connected. It's a time to review schedules, discuss plans for projects, vacations, finances, holidays and anything else you have going on in your busy lives.
I always recommend that there be a family calendar on the refrigerator or somewhere else that is central to the family's daily lives. Then everyone can check it to see what's on the schedule before planning anything. For the more technologically advanced of you, you can use your online shared calendars that can be accessed by everyone.
Having an agenda for the meetings helps you to stay focused and get all the "work" done during the meeting. You can post a blank agenda on the refrigerator so that anyone can write in an item during the week that they would like discussed at the next meeting.
You can even have a notebook with the notes from previous meetings to refer back to when you forget what decisions you made at a previous meeting.
I am putting together some suggested guidelines for meetings, blank agendas and other forms that you might find useful. Email me, leave your contact information or sign up to be a follower and I can send these out to you or let you know when they are posted on my website and my blog.
I have the Family Meeting outlines and forms available now so email me and I will send them out to you. Soon they will be available on my blog or website for free as a download.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Are You In A Verbally Abusive Relationship? Are You Verbally Abusing Others?
Years ago a great book was recommended to me called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. What I love most about it is that she breaks verbal abuse down so you can understand what is and what is not abuse. She points out that verbal abuse, one-upman-ship, defeating, putting down, topping, countering, manipulating, criticizing, hard selling and intimidating, are accepted as fair games in our culture even though the outcome can be so hurtful.
These tactics often leave us feeling confused as the perpetrator doesn't take responsibility for how they talk to others and denies the power playing behaviors. This tends to make their partner feel "crazy" and doubt their own sense of reality.
Here is a checklist for you that can help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship (whether that be with family, friends, co-workers or your primary relationship) as well as if you might also be verbally abusing someone else:
1. They seem irritated or angry with you several times a week or more even though you didn't intend to upset them and you are surprised by their reaction. If you ask they deny they are angry or tell you that it's your fault.
2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss your feelings, it never feels as if the issue ever gets resolved.
3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by their responses because, no matter how clearly you are in explaining your intentions, they don't seem to understand.
4. You find yourself more upset about how you communicate in the relationship than about concrete issues such as decision-making or planning. You end up thinking "on the defensive" about how you behave in the relationship, trying not to upset the other person.
5. You often wonder to yourself that you shouldn't be feeling as badly as you do, that there's something wrong with you.
6. The abuser rarely wants to share their thoughts and plans with you.
7. They seem to take the opposite view from you on almost every topic. They don't say "I think" or "I believe" but as if their views are right and yours are wrong.
8. You sometimes wonder if they perceive you as a separate person.
9. You can't recall saying to them, "Cut it out!" or, "Stop it!".
10. They react either angrily or say they "have no idea what you are talking about" when you try to discuss an issue with them.
If you have agreed with two or more of these statements you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert. Overt abuse would be an angry outburst or an attack including swearing, name-calling and other put-downs. Covert abuse is hidden and less direct. It is often experienced as "crazy-making" because you are being told that what you see did not happen or that you are too sensitive.
In order to recognize this kind of abuse one must learn to trust one's own experience and recognize that they other person is not loving, valuing and respecting you.
Here is a checklist that can help teach you when "crazy-making" is going on from Bach and Deutsch's book "Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy!":
1. Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
2. Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
3. Being caught off guard.
4. Feeling disconnected, confused, disoriented.
5. Feeling off-balance, as if the rug had been pulled from under one's feet.
6. Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.
7. Feeling generally "bugged" by the simple presence of the person.
8. To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was all about.
I think we end up in this confused state as a way of protecting ourselves from realizing how terrible the relationship is. We'd rather think there was something wrong with us than think someone was really hurting us this way.
If we have grown up in an abusive home we sometimes bring this orientation along with us into our adult relationships, whether that be as as abuser, a victim or both.
At the base of verbal abuse is the differing perspectives of "power" in a relationship. One person believes in "Personal Power" which is based on mutuality and co-creation. The other person believes in "Power Over" which is all about control and dominance.
When a person believes it is important to have Power Over, they have as a goal "winning" and believe only one person can be the winner and it is important to them that the one person be them. Sometimes this is due to having grown up in a shame-based family system or culture. If a child is raised to believe that being imperfect or unable to control everything means they are worthless and unlovable, they are going to fight every way they can to be perfect, to have no flaws, to never be wrong or "less than" anyone else. Being right and "better than" is more important than kindness, love and respect. Sometimes people are shamelessly grandiose about themselves and enjoy hurting others. Sometimes they are "love dependent" and fearful of being "abandoned" by the person they are with so they work at making them increasingly more insecure so they won't feel confident enough to leave. Often they are imitating how they saw others behave in their homes while they were growing up.
In most verbally abusive relationships, there is one person who believes everyone can be a winner, that they are part of a team working for the best of everyone while the other person is threatened by anyone else being "good enough" and work to beat down the other persons' self esteem bit by bit so they can maintain control and be "better than". The Team Player is continually surprised and caught off guard by this because they fail to recognize and believe that the other person is playing by a different set of rules. They are vulnerable to being abused because they are so willing to look at everyone's opinions that an abusive person can keep them always working on fairness while the abuser takes control.
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing)
4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
5. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling
6. Verbal abuse is insidious causing the partner to lose self esteem and confidence, change behaviors to avoid upsetting the abuser and resembles brainwashing without the partner realizing any of these things are happening to them
7. Verbal abuse is unpredictable causing the partner to feel caught off guard, stunned by the sarcasm, angry jabs, put-downs or hurtful comments
8. Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship. The issue being argued about never gets resolved
9. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. The abusers words don't reflect their true feelings
10. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency and variety and sometimes even escalates into physical abuse
CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. WITHHOLDING: An abuser does this by refusing to listen to their partner, denying their partner's experience or refusing to share about themselves in the relationship. The partner may make up stories about the abuser to make this behavior acceptable or more normal; shy, quiet, self-contained, etc.
2. COUNTERING: In order to maintain the dominance, the abuser may choose to argue against their partner's thoughts, feelings, perceptions or experiences. There is no possibility of discussion.
3. DISCOUNTING: The abuser may deny and distort their partner's perception of the abuse in the relationship. "You're too sensitive", "You can't take a joke", "You always have to have something to complain about", etc.
4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES: Disparaging comments made with wit and style leave the partner confused about whether or not the hurtful comment was intended to cause pain especially when followed by "You just don't have a sense of humor!"
5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING: When the abuser refuses to communicate, establishes limits about what can be discussed or withholds information or switches topics it leaves their partner powerless.
6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING: A verbal abuser may accuse their partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming the partner for their anger, irritation or insecurity. This is a very toxic process in a relationship as the abuser can not look at their own behaviors or feelings and "own" them which makes life feel very unsafe for the person being blamed for it all the time.
7. JUDGING AND CRITICIZING: Making critical and judgmental comments either directly to their partner or in front of others.
8. TRIVIALIZING: The abuser responds to feelings or concerns or accomplishments as if they are insignificant.
9. UNDERMINING: This is a way of withholding emotional support and eroding the partner's confidence and determination.
10. THREATENING: Usually involving the threat of loss or pain.
11. NAME CALLING: All name calling is abusive.
12. FORGETTING: Denial or covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which impact another person is verbally abusive denial. Consistently forgetting promises.
13. ORDERING: This denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.
14. DENIAL: Refusing to acknowledge or admit to how they have behaved denies the reality of their partner and can be very damaging to their confidence.
You can read about all of this in more detail in Patricia Evans' book.This blog is merely intended to provide a brief introduction which will hopefully lead you to investigate more and choose to make some changes in your life. If you think you have been abused or may have abused others, but the book and read more detail to evaluate further.
Once you have recognized that you have experienced or are currently experiencing verbal abuse you can start to find ways to change how you respond to it. If you think you are being verbally abusive to others in your life, now is a good time to find different ways to treat the people you love.
Here are some steps you can take:
1. Get professional counseling support
2. Ask your partner to go to counseling with you
3. Start setting clear, firm and consistent limits
4. Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future. Don't get sidetracked by "Content" and stay focused on "Process"
5. Remember that you can leave any abusive situation, you always have choices
6. Ask for the changes you want in your relationship
It is important as we choose to make changes in our lives and relationships that we make a firm decision to be respectful and non-violent to others as well as to ourselves, inside our own heads. We have the right to expect others to treat us as well as we treat them.
In my next blog I hope to talk more about how to be respectful by processing our experiences more completely and taking ownership of how we evaluate what happens in our world and how we make ourselves feel based on that.
I hope you join me in the future!
These tactics often leave us feeling confused as the perpetrator doesn't take responsibility for how they talk to others and denies the power playing behaviors. This tends to make their partner feel "crazy" and doubt their own sense of reality.
Here is a checklist for you that can help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship (whether that be with family, friends, co-workers or your primary relationship) as well as if you might also be verbally abusing someone else:
1. They seem irritated or angry with you several times a week or more even though you didn't intend to upset them and you are surprised by their reaction. If you ask they deny they are angry or tell you that it's your fault.
2. When you feel hurt and try to discuss your feelings, it never feels as if the issue ever gets resolved.
3. You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by their responses because, no matter how clearly you are in explaining your intentions, they don't seem to understand.
4. You find yourself more upset about how you communicate in the relationship than about concrete issues such as decision-making or planning. You end up thinking "on the defensive" about how you behave in the relationship, trying not to upset the other person.
5. You often wonder to yourself that you shouldn't be feeling as badly as you do, that there's something wrong with you.
6. The abuser rarely wants to share their thoughts and plans with you.
7. They seem to take the opposite view from you on almost every topic. They don't say "I think" or "I believe" but as if their views are right and yours are wrong.
8. You sometimes wonder if they perceive you as a separate person.
9. You can't recall saying to them, "Cut it out!" or, "Stop it!".
10. They react either angrily or say they "have no idea what you are talking about" when you try to discuss an issue with them.
If you have agreed with two or more of these statements you are likely experiencing verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert. Overt abuse would be an angry outburst or an attack including swearing, name-calling and other put-downs. Covert abuse is hidden and less direct. It is often experienced as "crazy-making" because you are being told that what you see did not happen or that you are too sensitive.
In order to recognize this kind of abuse one must learn to trust one's own experience and recognize that they other person is not loving, valuing and respecting you.
Here is a checklist that can help teach you when "crazy-making" is going on from Bach and Deutsch's book "Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy!":
1. Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
2. Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
3. Being caught off guard.
4. Feeling disconnected, confused, disoriented.
5. Feeling off-balance, as if the rug had been pulled from under one's feet.
6. Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.
7. Feeling generally "bugged" by the simple presence of the person.
8. To discover that one was mistaken in one's evaluation of where one stood or what it was all about.
I think we end up in this confused state as a way of protecting ourselves from realizing how terrible the relationship is. We'd rather think there was something wrong with us than think someone was really hurting us this way.
If we have grown up in an abusive home we sometimes bring this orientation along with us into our adult relationships, whether that be as as abuser, a victim or both.
At the base of verbal abuse is the differing perspectives of "power" in a relationship. One person believes in "Personal Power" which is based on mutuality and co-creation. The other person believes in "Power Over" which is all about control and dominance.
When a person believes it is important to have Power Over, they have as a goal "winning" and believe only one person can be the winner and it is important to them that the one person be them. Sometimes this is due to having grown up in a shame-based family system or culture. If a child is raised to believe that being imperfect or unable to control everything means they are worthless and unlovable, they are going to fight every way they can to be perfect, to have no flaws, to never be wrong or "less than" anyone else. Being right and "better than" is more important than kindness, love and respect. Sometimes people are shamelessly grandiose about themselves and enjoy hurting others. Sometimes they are "love dependent" and fearful of being "abandoned" by the person they are with so they work at making them increasingly more insecure so they won't feel confident enough to leave. Often they are imitating how they saw others behave in their homes while they were growing up.
In most verbally abusive relationships, there is one person who believes everyone can be a winner, that they are part of a team working for the best of everyone while the other person is threatened by anyone else being "good enough" and work to beat down the other persons' self esteem bit by bit so they can maintain control and be "better than". The Team Player is continually surprised and caught off guard by this because they fail to recognize and believe that the other person is playing by a different set of rules. They are vulnerable to being abused because they are so willing to look at everyone's opinions that an abusive person can keep them always working on fairness while the abuser takes control.
GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing)
4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
5. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling
6. Verbal abuse is insidious causing the partner to lose self esteem and confidence, change behaviors to avoid upsetting the abuser and resembles brainwashing without the partner realizing any of these things are happening to them
7. Verbal abuse is unpredictable causing the partner to feel caught off guard, stunned by the sarcasm, angry jabs, put-downs or hurtful comments
8. Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship. The issue being argued about never gets resolved
9. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. The abusers words don't reflect their true feelings
10. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency and variety and sometimes even escalates into physical abuse
CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. WITHHOLDING: An abuser does this by refusing to listen to their partner, denying their partner's experience or refusing to share about themselves in the relationship. The partner may make up stories about the abuser to make this behavior acceptable or more normal; shy, quiet, self-contained, etc.
2. COUNTERING: In order to maintain the dominance, the abuser may choose to argue against their partner's thoughts, feelings, perceptions or experiences. There is no possibility of discussion.
3. DISCOUNTING: The abuser may deny and distort their partner's perception of the abuse in the relationship. "You're too sensitive", "You can't take a joke", "You always have to have something to complain about", etc.
4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES: Disparaging comments made with wit and style leave the partner confused about whether or not the hurtful comment was intended to cause pain especially when followed by "You just don't have a sense of humor!"
5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING: When the abuser refuses to communicate, establishes limits about what can be discussed or withholds information or switches topics it leaves their partner powerless.
6. ACCUSING AND BLAMING: A verbal abuser may accuse their partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming the partner for their anger, irritation or insecurity. This is a very toxic process in a relationship as the abuser can not look at their own behaviors or feelings and "own" them which makes life feel very unsafe for the person being blamed for it all the time.
7. JUDGING AND CRITICIZING: Making critical and judgmental comments either directly to their partner or in front of others.
8. TRIVIALIZING: The abuser responds to feelings or concerns or accomplishments as if they are insignificant.
9. UNDERMINING: This is a way of withholding emotional support and eroding the partner's confidence and determination.
10. THREATENING: Usually involving the threat of loss or pain.
11. NAME CALLING: All name calling is abusive.
12. FORGETTING: Denial or covert manipulation. Consistently forgetting interactions which impact another person is verbally abusive denial. Consistently forgetting promises.
13. ORDERING: This denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.
14. DENIAL: Refusing to acknowledge or admit to how they have behaved denies the reality of their partner and can be very damaging to their confidence.
You can read about all of this in more detail in Patricia Evans' book.This blog is merely intended to provide a brief introduction which will hopefully lead you to investigate more and choose to make some changes in your life. If you think you have been abused or may have abused others, but the book and read more detail to evaluate further.
Once you have recognized that you have experienced or are currently experiencing verbal abuse you can start to find ways to change how you respond to it. If you think you are being verbally abusive to others in your life, now is a good time to find different ways to treat the people you love.
Here are some steps you can take:
1. Get professional counseling support
2. Ask your partner to go to counseling with you
3. Start setting clear, firm and consistent limits
4. Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future. Don't get sidetracked by "Content" and stay focused on "Process"
5. Remember that you can leave any abusive situation, you always have choices
6. Ask for the changes you want in your relationship
It is important as we choose to make changes in our lives and relationships that we make a firm decision to be respectful and non-violent to others as well as to ourselves, inside our own heads. We have the right to expect others to treat us as well as we treat them.
In my next blog I hope to talk more about how to be respectful by processing our experiences more completely and taking ownership of how we evaluate what happens in our world and how we make ourselves feel based on that.
I hope you join me in the future!
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