5 Points To Consider:  Is It Normal Hesitation Or Is It Commitment Phobia? (via http://idatesmarter.com)
   

       Everyone has fears about making a commitment to another person for life.  When we look at the statistics for divorce being at or above 50% and we or our friends and family have had divorces, it is smart to be careful.  Weddings are exciting and expensive and divorce is costly to our pocketbooks and…
   

 

 

New Blog Update on Dating Smarter

You too can datesmarter...

Read my new blog about my dating program!
"5 Things You Can Do To Find
The Right One For You"

Want To Learn To Date Smarter?

I am almost done putting my dating program together and it's pretty exciting!
All of these years of thinking and trying different things in my own life and helping others to find and maintain healthy relationships is flowing out of my head and onto paper more easily than I imagined.
I've been thinking of doing this for years but never thought I had enough time and didn't trust I could put it all together. I hired an assistant and she has been incredibly helpful by keeping me on task and adding her own ideas and thoughts.
I'm getting great feedback and help from all my friends and colleagues and I think I might be able to launch it in the next few months on a test group.
We will be meeting 8 weeks for 2 hours each week. The focus will be on learning more about yourself and what you want in relationships so when you do date you are driving your own car, metaphorically that is. After the first program is completed and I've tweaked it I hope to take it on the road through technology and hold some webinars with video.
If you know anyone who'd be interested please send them my way.

5 Ways We Sabotage Our Relationships

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/gina-schuchman/5-ways-we-sabotage-our-relationships

Working On Relationships

If you are a "deep thinker", you are always trying to make your relationships better.
What could I do better? What could my partner or loved one do better? What dynamics are at play that are not working for us?

It's important to know that no matter how smart you are, nor how hard you try, you cannot work on a relationship if someone is active in their addiction or if there is untreated depression, mental health issues or an affair going on. That person's body is there but their soul and mind and energy are elsewhere.

Sometimes we aren't conscious that these issues exist nor do we admit how much they have been affecting our relationships and our life. We think maybe we did something wrong or not enough of the right things and try and try and try to do things differently. When it doesn't work we either get down on ourselves or the other person.

It is also true that the other person often blames us for the problems in the relationship, or how bad they feel or for their bad behavior. My guess is that this is due to the shame they are feeling somewhere inside that they are trying to avoid. It is a much more comfortable place to be: grandiosity, than in toxic shame when we know we have not been doing the right things to the ones we love.

Guess what? We can't fix it. This is their gig and all we can do is encourage them to get help and then back off and set healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves. And, if you are the one with the untreated issues, get yourself some help.

Any questions or comments? Feel free to email me: Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com

Changing And Controlling Those We Say We Love

Oftentimes I have people in my office talking about their relationships and I see them trying to force the other person to be what they want them to be and being continually disappointed in what they get. They feel wronged by the other person because they aren't getting what they need.
Sometimes they don't ask for what they need and then pout and sit around all victimy when they don't get it. Not fair.
Sometimes they say the person "used to" do something they aren't doing anymore and they want the old person back. Not fair.
Sometimes this gets violent verbally or physically. Not fair, or respectful.
People change. Sometimes the person they were initially wasn't the real them and sometimes they have made a change in who they are over time. They have the right to change who they are, how they act, to change their minds, and what they want. If we don't like it we can decide to leave but we don't have the right to make anyone be what we want them to be.
If you are feeling hurt by someone's changes, make a decision. It is not ok to "offend from a victim position" and abuse or try to control another person. It is still offending even if you believe you were wronged first.
We have to take responsibility for asking for what we want in relationships and negotiating about it without feeling entitled to have everything the way we want. And then, if we decide we are not able to get enough, we have to end it with respect.
We can't get everything we want in any relationship so we have to decide if what we get is good enough that it's worth grieving for what we don't get, to stay. If not, it isn't fair to ourselves or others to stay and keep demanding something else that they can't be happy giving.
It is generally true that people who are trying to change and control others are "love dependent" and addicted to the person they are in a relationship with. Usually this is because they are "shame-based" and do not feel whole without the other person and need everything to be a certain way in order to feel safe. They feel as they cannot live without the other person and their love and if anything changes it might mean they are going to lose them which would feel like death.
Another person cannot fill the hole we feel inside. That can only be filled by fixing our old hurts and gaining our own self esteem.
Once we've done that work our relationships with others feel safer and more satisfying. It is easier to be sure that others love us when we know we are loveable. When our partners are scared to say no to us, we can't trust them really, can we? If they can't say 'NO" how can we trust their 'YES'?

What Impacts My Dating Patterns?

Every day I talk to people who are frustrated with their attempts to find the right person to date and join in a satisfying intimate relationship.
I try to help them sort out all the different variables that are impacting their patterns of choice. Want to learn more?

There are a few things that help people free themselves from the shackles of their bad dating patterns:

1. Look at what you've brought into your relationships; biases, belief systems, behaviors, etc. How are they working for you? What can you change?

2. Look at what kinds of people you have been choosing and figure out why and if those choices have been working for you. What can you change?

3. Find a good support system to go over your dating experiences with. Oh...and listen to them!

These are the areas my new Dating Program will be dealing with. So keep tuned in. Sign up for the RSS Feed in the orange box to be notified of new blogs and writings.
Go to http://www.yourtango.com/experts/Evowoman and follow me as one of their experts.

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Check it out!

Online Dating: Setting Boundaries

Often the idea of these first blind dates can be terrifying. You don't know what to expect, worry about whether or not the person will like you or if you'll be lucky enough to meet someone you might like. How should you act? What should you wear? Where should you go? How can you make sure you're safe?

My recommendation is to set up your own boundaries and expectations about dating before you even make the first contact. And be yourself. Be yourself even more on the first dates than you might be in your daily life.

Decide which times you have available during the week to go on a date ahead of time and don't change it when the other person's schedule doesn't match up....look at the next week if nothing works this week. There should not be a sense of urgency. If there is that should raise red flags for you. What's the hurry?

Decide ahead of time which places you think would be comfortable for you to meet a stranger on a first, second or third date. While you can be open to other suggestions it is always good to be clear in your own mind what you will feel comfortable with. If you are a person who finds herself/himself always giving in to others, you might decide that it is not an option, initially, to negotiate.

Decide ahead of time what your time limit will be for the date. Generally, even if you really like someone, you don't need more than 1 1/2-2 hours on a first date. Sometimes when people really hit it off they want to let the first date go on and on and sometimes a short meeting for coffee stretches out to dinner and then to drinks and then to bed. Not really the best way for a relationship to start off, we all agree and know that, right? Easy to do though.

But if you really want to start off right and find a good person, stick to your limits and expect them to stick to theirs.

Decide ahead of time how much time you think is good between date #1 and date #2 and how much texting and phone talking and emailing you think is healthy or comfortable for you and stick to it.

Talk openly and honestly about who you are. Resist the temptation to "be the person they might want" and let it all hang out. If they are going to like you for who you are in a long term relationship, let them know now who you really are.

Once you are clear about what qualities and characteristics you are looking for, write yourself up a checklist and when you get back from your first dates go through the checklist and see whether or not the person you went on the date with fits or not. If there are a lot of things that don't match up but you really liked the person, think about what that really means. Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't have some or most of the qualities that are important to you???

As always I appreciate your feedback and requests for topics for my blogs!

Online Dating: Writing The Profile

When you look at the millions of profiles on Match.com or eHarmony or OKCupid.com or any of the websites out there attempting to match you up with the person of your dreams, what do you see? Is there anything in the profile that stands out, that helps you feel as if you can really "see" that person?

Most people write profiles that sound pretty much like everyone elses. They dryly list off some superficial things that they are looking for, generic, cookie-cutter descriptions that anyone can make themselves believe they fit into...or not. What they like to do, if they are athletic or not (which really means where they are weightwise), if family or religion are important, what they do for a living, etc.
(I remember back in the 90s when I was just starting to date after my divorce, it seemed like 99% of the men wrote something like, "I like to drink a glass of wine by the fire and take walks along the ocean"....and we were in Minnesota! I definitely did NOT want to date those guys! It was as if they were saying "I'm not really very interesting and so I'm going to tell women what I think they want to hear." Ugh! Boring!)

You could close your eyes and point randomly for all the good it does to help you cull out who might be an interesting person to date. These kinds of profile seem to be the most popular and yet tell you the least about who the person really is.
If you've been out in the dating scene for a while, or not, you know it can be difficult to get to know someone. It can take months before you really know who the person is, what they're like in their real lives. And often, by the time you do, even if what you find out is bad, you've gotten too attached and don't know how to let them go with grace. I always say it takes at least Four Seasons to really get to know someone.

I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to be as clear as we can be, up front, about who we are and what we are looking for. I always say that we want to write our profiles so that we encourage and entice the kind of person we are looking for and discourage the kind of people we do not want to meet.

If your profile is bland and indirect what will attract people to you and what kind of people will be out looking to find out more? If your profile says nothing very real or personal then the people who contact you are either looking for someone who doesn't have too much of their own personality or they are simply looking at your photo and liking the way you look. Maybe they are looking for someone who won't be direct so maybe they want you to be passive and malleable?

Think about what kind of person you want to attract and think about what you most want someone to know about you. If you are a woman and you have had trouble with men who try to control you, for instance, what could you write about yourself that would discourage these kind of men from contacting you?

"While I enjoy partnership in my relationships, I like to maintain my own opinions and enjoy my independent time with friends and other activities. I don't need to be with someone 24/7".

If you are a man who has a pattern of attaching to women who are emotionally unavailable and lack commitment:

"I enjoy connection and emotional intimacy and am looking for someone who has a high tolerance for relationality, who is ready to commit to someone once they've checked them out sufficiently".

For women who tend to find men who are emotionally unavailable:

"It is important to me to verbally process my relationships with my partner and would like to find someone who shares this value".

You can also make statements about what kind of relationship or what relationship values you want someone to share:

"I want someone who is willing to look at their own issues and doesn't blame everyone else for what happens in their life."

"I want someone who has skills at problem solving and is committed to working on issues with their partner, who doesn't run away when tough issues come up...because they always do."

I think it pays to be very honest in a profile. Let people know if weight is an issue or if you have health issues. It will come up and then, if the other person feels caught off guard or lied to, they will likely not want another date and you will have set yourself up for feeling hurt and rejected. Why do that to yourself???
What do you have to lose? Lots of failed dates where you end up feeling crappy about yourself? I think most of us could do without that!!

I work with my clients a lot on this profile writing piece as I believe it is a crucial part of dating smarter. It helps to shortcut the process and cull out people who you wouldn't fit with or who won't really be into you. The clearer you are about who you are, what you want and don't want, the more information it gives to prospective dates so they can choose more wisely. And if someone reads your profile full of this and still wants to date you it probably means they have been doing some of their own work and might have more to offer to you in a relationship over time.

As always, I appreciate your feedback and requests for new blogs!

Therapists Doing Counseling Online Through Skype?

More and more people are requesting phone or Skype sessions for a variety of reasons.

Some clients move, or a therapist moves and the client doesn't want to have to start a new relationship with a therapist when they are already connected and getting the help they've been looking for.

Some clients live in isolated rural areas where there aren't therapists within several hours drives of their home and would benefit from sessions online.
A client may be traveling for work and not be able to make it in to their therapists' office during regular work hours.

Clients go on vacation and have a crisis come up and rather than wait for a session when they get back, their therapist has an opening and they can do a session on Skype.

What do you think? Do you think therapy online or telephonic could meet your needs?
Can you think of other situations where online therapy might be a good or a bad idea?

Concerns:

Is the therapist licensed in the state the client is in? Or do they only have to be licensed where they are located since their work is in that state?

Is the transmission totally secure? Most online and phone communications are relatively safe and secure but, as we know, there are hackers out there and we can't totally guarantee confidentiality.

Is a session between client and therapist online as "good" as one in person? If we don't see each other in 3D can we make sure we are reading body language and voice clearly? Can people make real connections over the internet as easily as they can in person? Would a therapist be able to assess someone accurately?

It's getting to be more and more acceptable. I have done this some and have found it to be pretty much the same as face to face counseling. I love seeing people in my office but there are times it just doesn't work out. It can be easier for some clients and I am comfortable using these venues.

What do you think?

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/therapists-are-seeing-patients-online.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&smid=fb-share

Dating, Making A Choice, Doubting Yourself

Once we've been in the dating scene for a while, had a marriage or two and suffered some disappointments and surprises, it is easy to start second guessing your choices. Many times this anxiety sends us into relationships for the wrong reasons. I remember one of my early relationships I thought maybe I wasn't so into the guy because of my own childhood issues and it took me 4 years to work my way out of it!

Here are some of the things that people often doubt themselves about:

* Maybe I don't really want a relationship at this point in my life so I am doubting my feelings and commitment to this particular person
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to be alone?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to hurt them?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to make the wrong decision?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to try to trust someone else?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared to deal with their anger?
* Do I really care for them but fear others will disapprove or think less of me for my choice?
* Do I really care for this person or am I just scared that I will get trapped and not be able to get out if I change my mind?
* What if this person changes and becomes someone I don't like anymore?
* Do I have fears that I won't ever find someone else and maybe am settling for this person?
* Am I letting the other person's enthusiasm rush me into something before I'm ready to decide?

It is important to think about all of these things and if you get started it can be very hard to sort out what the answers really are.
Sometimes we have a pattern of picking people who we know are not a good fit (not good enough in some way, don't share the same values and interests) because we know it will keep us from making a commitment. It's a good way to keep up a wall in a relationship and not allow yourself to get too intimate or lost.
Did you pick this person in order to have doubts to balk at, or do you have doubts about everyone?
Sometimes we pick people we wouldn't really like, who we see as "less than" because we don't think we can expect more.
What is your relationship self esteem level? Are you feeling "not good enough" or "not loveable enough" in some way that keeps you from demanding what you want and need in a relationship? Or do you think you are better than others and no one could meet your expectations? Both of these attitudes get in the way of finding a good match.

Sometimes we have seen harmful relationships in our parent's marriages or friends or our own that make us a little gun shy about putting both feet in.

There are lots of things to fear about making a commitment to someone, with or without marriage:

What if I get trapped and it's not a blessing?
What if we have a lot of anger and fighting?
What if I can't really trust them?
What if someone better comes along?
What if I decide later that I'd be happier without this person and I'm already in?
What if they change into someone else and I don't like them?

It is important to remember that we always have choices. When in doubt it is always good to consider them and weigh out how they feel.

Possible choices:

1. Being single forever
2. Serial monogamy: accepting that your relationships may not last forever but you will enjoy them and commit as long as they work for you
3. Putting off kids and marriage until you are older and more established
4. Marry and have kids now and focus on career later
5. Make a decision and end the relationship and find someone else or take some time off from relationships

In choosing a partner there are some basic qualities that can help ensure that it is a workable and viable relationship. It is a given that people will fight, that someone will feel trapped at some point, that someone else better (or appearing to be better) will come along, that you might feel like you'd be happier on your own and it is also a given that, if in a relationship over time, you will both change. I certainly hope so! Imagine being the same person in 10-20-30 years as you are now? With no growth? With no new thoughts or values entering your mind? With no new skills and experiences to offer?

These are part of the normal development of the individual over a lifetime and of a marriage over time. It is a gift that people can bring new things and new selves into the relationship. It helps to grow both people and the relationship to greater heights.

Brainstorm some of the necessary skills that couples need to have a successful relationship over time:

* A good and respectful problem solving style
* Respectful communication style, even in conflict
* Commitment to growing together
* A commitment to owning one's own issues and part in problems and to working on them to benefit the relationship
* Openness to talk about thoughts, feelings, desires without being put down or shut down
* Liking each other "as you are"

Lots to think about in your anxiety. Maybe more than you were already worried about? You have to evaluate yourself and decide if it is your anxiety that is the issue or the relationship? It takes some time but it is better to do it now than down the road when you have kids and property and lives all intertwined.

If the answer is not clear to you try talking to your partner or getting some counseling or reading some good books. Talk to friends and family and see if others have had the same experience and what they did that worked for them, or didn't.

Some good books to consider are in my recommended readings on my blog:

Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?
The New Rules Of Marriage
The New Codependency
The Verbally Abusive Relationship

And read some of my previous posts.

Listen to yourself and educate yourself. In the end YOU are the only one YOU can trust and count on and it is YOU who will have to live with your decisions.

If you have some thoughts or questions you'd like to share, please become a follower and write something for everyone to read. If you don't want your name used, send me an email at Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com and I will post it anonymously.

Thanks!

Whose Label Are You Wearing?

I often talk about this in my work with clients. We take some kind of definition of ourselves that is formed before we are 18 years old...before our brains have even fully developed and then battle with it the rest of our lives!
At what point can we be the person we have been for many years post 18 and shed the old, and usually negative beliefs we have about ourselves?

http://kingskiddd1.com/2011/08/24/whose-label-are-you-wearing/

New Rules of Dating, Old Rules of Dating

I believe that the original idea for dating was that people would go out and do activities together so they could get to know each others "real selves". This dating process allowed us to evaluate how we felt in relationship to different people, more about their true character and if we were getting enough from the relationship to decide to take it to the next level=a relationship.
Somewhere along the line...I think it was in middle schools and high schools...it became a shameful thing to date more than one person. The expectation was you met someone, liked them and became boyfriend and girlfriend to the exclusion of others. If you truly "dated", which would mean you were free to check out more than one person, you were labelled a slut, a whore, a player, a male whore....it was deemed a negative and an affront to all your friends.
So as we moved into adulthood we followed the same pattern: meet someone, fall into bed, or love or something and then become boyfriends and girlfriends right away. If we dared to date more than one person we'd feel bad and rushed (either by our own inner sense of urgency or by pressure from the other person)and feel we needed to pick one...hopefully "THE ONE".
And even though this did not work, over and over and over, we continue to do the same thing. We get so attached we feel we can't leave the relationship when it becomes clear it isn't good for us. We try to force the other person to be the person we want them to be. We try to fit the Square Peg in the Round Hole. It doesn't work.
I advocate that we go back to the true art of dating. Just date. Date as many people as you want at one time. Date them all until you don't like someone. Then drop them. If you find someone else, start dating them too. Do this for months, or years...it doesn't matter how long, until you meet someone who is really compatible, who likes you the way you are, who treats you well, who has the same goals in life, who shares your values.
A few weeks ago I was discussing this with a client who is trying to get it right, this time. He got a little distressed because, as we discussed these ideas, he realized this meant he couldn't be sexual or physically intimate with the women he was dating.
If we are going to do this Respectful Dating, we can't go around being physically intimate with the people we are dating until we decide that we want to be in a committed relationship. If you feel you need to have sex, go have a one night stand with someone you don't want to date. But you can't "DATE" and have sex.
Even if both people say they are OK with having sex without commitment, it changes up the dynamics and changes up how well you can really see the person and their character.
Both men and women get attached when they have sex with someone. Sometimes that scares people and they start pushing the other person away and sometimes it makes people get more involved than they would want to be at that stage of the relationship. So even when people say they are OK with sex without commitment, they are each thinking "obviously this person really likes me or they wouldn't be having sex with me", and they start putting all their emotional eggs in that basket.
It isn't fair. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to them.
This really hit my client and he realized he has really not been as respectful as he would like to be in his relationships and is feeling challenged to do it differently.
What's the big rush about anyway? Are you worried that if you can't get the person into bed you'll lose them to someone else? If this was the person's true character what would you want them around for anyway!
So think about changing up how you approach the whole dating thing. If you aren't in high school anymore do you need to live by that jaded rule book anymore? If you are in high school wouldn't you love to be the maverick who challenges the status quo and help yourself and others find a more respectful way to have relationships?
I hope this stirs up some good conversations. Please share thoughts and comments and questions with me!

Gratitude by Melody Beattie 8/1 (And my comments)

We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
Thank God, life and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the circumstances of my life.

Today I think of this in two ways. What comes to mind is that in dealing with some frustrating situations with clients I have to take a step back from my personal reactions and both think more about what they are struggling with....that they are allowing me to help them on their journey to health and that being grateful for that can enable me to be more helpful, and also that I find people in my personal life to be in a different place than I am right now.
The past couple of days have been a struggle trying to help some kids. They seem to be more rewarded by their struggle and the attention it gives them than in hearing the helpful messages we all are trying to give them. Through this I am grateful to be learning more about what they are needing so I can be a better therapist.
In the personal realm I often feel barraged by other people's feelings and sense of pain in their world that I do not feel in mine. I don't want to live like that anymore and am grateful that I have found a way to be happy and focus on my cup which is more than half full. I wish I could give them this gift.
Again they don't want it from me right now and I have to find a way to back off, keep up my healthy boundaries and maintain the happiness I feel.

I am grateful today for having healthy boundaries at home and at work.

Abuse

For many years I have been using the Power & Control Wheel to help people understand more about abuse. It isn't just about hitting but abusers try to control and hurt in many ways. At the center of abuse is the desire to have power and control over another person. The spokes of the wheel show the other areas of life that are commonly attacked.
Here is the link for a great website with a lot of information and a photo of the Power & Control Wheel.

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#.Ti9lnGUeE9Y.facebook"

Being Is Enough, Melody Beattie 7/21 And My Comments

We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing or discipline--it's difficult to have perspective.
That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose, shall reveal itself--in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense--later.

Today I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.

My thoughts on this are that even when we are struggling with self defeating behaviors and confusion about our direction, that we need to "trust our process". By that I mean that I believe that we all want to be happier and have better lives and, even when we are consciously making bad decisions or feeling out of control, that subconsciously we are still working in our own behalf to achieve a better life with better balance. When we don't know which way to go or what decisions to make we can step back, take a deep breath, take a First Step, and wait. The urgency we often feel to make decisions or do something is often just an internally created pressure. Often there will be no permanent repercussions from doing nothing.
Trust that the YOU that wants to be THE BEST PERSON YOU WANT TO BE will be working in your best interests and you will, eventually, get to where you want to be as long as you continue to work on getting to know yourself and your circumstances better so you can make better conscious choices.

iPhone Apps For Relaxation

I found a couple of free apps in the App Store that people might find helpful.

One is Breathe2Relax which takes you through different relation breathing exercises.

The other is T2 MoodTracker which helps you pay attention to emotions throughout the day and over time.

I found them both on some websites where there is help for vets but these can be helpful for many people.

And don't forget that there are also the Shrinky Anxiety and Shrinky Anger Management apps that are good but cost some money.

Enjoy!

Dating Tips

A friend asked me recently about his attraction to a woman he knows is in a committed relationship. He thought it wouldn't hurt him to fantasize about her since he doesn't have any other prospects.He is also admitting to not feeling so good about himself since he is (like the rest of us) getting older and feeling like he might not be attractive to women. And he thinks that the women he'd find attractive wouldn't be interested in him.
So I wrote him a few thoughts which I thought I'd share here for others:

I think it does do you harm to fantasize...A) it makes you more hooked in to the unavailable person than is good for you, B) it makes you less available to other available women emotionally and C) no one will ever match up to your fantasy of them...that’s why they call it “fantasy”, you know?
As we age we are feeling like we are getting fatter and duller looking. We have to grieve the loss of our youthful bodies and come to terms with accepting the body we have.
The way I figure it, there is someone for everyone, out there. Everywhere I go, I see people that you’d think would be totally unacceptable for everyone and yet, even they have someone. So I think we always have to remember that there is someone out there who will love us just the way we are and stop trying to fit the square peg in a round hole. So we need to accept ourselves for who we are and look for the person that loves us that way.
And it sounds like you need to change up how you look at women and maybe focus less on looks and more on the person they are and who can make you happy even if they are not gorgeous.
Anyone else struggling with these issues? Or have other ones?

Whoo hoot! I am on to page three of my book! It's a miracle!

I am trying to write an ebook on how to Date Smarter. Are you into it?