Working On Relationships

If you are a "deep thinker", you are always trying to make your relationships better.
What could I do better? What could my partner or loved one do better? What dynamics are at play that are not working for us?

It's important to know that no matter how smart you are, nor how hard you try, you cannot work on a relationship if someone is active in their addiction or if there is untreated depression, mental health issues or an affair going on. That person's body is there but their soul and mind and energy are elsewhere.

Sometimes we aren't conscious that these issues exist nor do we admit how much they have been affecting our relationships and our life. We think maybe we did something wrong or not enough of the right things and try and try and try to do things differently. When it doesn't work we either get down on ourselves or the other person.

It is also true that the other person often blames us for the problems in the relationship, or how bad they feel or for their bad behavior. My guess is that this is due to the shame they are feeling somewhere inside that they are trying to avoid. It is a much more comfortable place to be: grandiosity, than in toxic shame when we know we have not been doing the right things to the ones we love.

Guess what? We can't fix it. This is their gig and all we can do is encourage them to get help and then back off and set healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves. And, if you are the one with the untreated issues, get yourself some help.

Any questions or comments? Feel free to email me: Gina@edinacounselingcenter.com