Are You Listening?

Listening is such an important skill to have when we want to have healthy and rewarding relationships and yet we are trained from childhood in many ways that get in the way of being a really good listener.
When we listen well to others it gives the message that we are committed to the relationship and that we value them.
It is important to set aside our concerns, prejudices, beliefs, anxieties and self interest in order to completely listen to another person's thoughts.
The following is a list of some of the blocks to good listening. Read through them and identify which ones get in the way of you being a good listener.

COMPARING

When you are busy thinking about whether the other person is smarter or you are, or comparing competence with the other person you are not hearing much of what is being said.

MIND READING

When you are trying to figure out what the other person REALLY means, listening to tone, inflection and subtle clues instead of the actual words, you are not paying attention.

REHEARSING

This is when you are busy thinking about what you want to say in response. It is hard to hear the other person when you are busy planning a response.

FILTERING

You are only listening to a part of what the other person is saying. You are trying to figure out the other person, their feelings and intentions to see if the conversation is safe or important. You tend to lose interest and stop listening if the conversation does not interest you, or if you feel you are not safe or are too safe.

JUDGING

You make a judgement about the other person or what they are saying first and then stop listening to them or listen with a bias.

DREAMING

When the other person is talking you start to think about other things or start a conversation with yourself in your own head. You may zone out for a period of time and miss what they have said.

IDENTIFYING

You are so busy trying to find similar experiences in your own life that you haven't heard all of what the other person is telling you.

SPARRING

You focus on finding things to disagree with so you can argue or debate. You may use sarcasm or superior knowledge to put the other person's view down.

BEING RIGHT

You can't listen to any criticism or disagreement. You always have to be right and go to any length to prove you are. You might shout, make excuses or accuse the other person to avoid being wrong. You certainly are not listening to their opinion because it is too threatening to you.

DERAILING

You might find yourself getting bored or uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and change the direction of the conversation rather than hear what the other person is saying.

PLACATING

If it is more important to you to be liked than be part of the conversation you might agree with everything and not really be involved or listen.

Once you have identified some of the ways you are not listening to your fullest capacity, try to figure out what's behind your behavior. Is it habit and training or did some emotion get triggered?
What and how can you change this behavior? You can ask others for help. You can practice paraphrasing what people say to make sure you have heard it all before you give your response.
To have more respectful communication you have to own your own feelings and responses. For more help with this contact me or read some of the books I have in my recommended reading list.