Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Making Lemonade Out Of Chaos
I am a well organized slob. I am not the person who puts things away right after using them. Never was, mostly sure I never will be.
Over the years of living alone, living with a family, being a single mother, I have gotten better. I do realize that if I don't clean things up, they will just sit there. I have come to appreciate that I am living in a community, even if that community is only me. Our households are mini communities that need to have some order, rules, expectations and schedule or it would all go to hell in a handbasket.
I made rules for myself and I made rules for my kids. I have my own tolerance level for how much mess and chaos I can take in my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom.....and then I clean like a mad fool.
I'd like to say I admire people who keep it clean all the time, but truthfully, I don't. Seems too sterile and boring to me. There's nothing like the surprise of finding a book you've been wanting to read under a pile of other important documents....or a $5 bill in a pocket! And, Omigod!, it is so great to sit in a clean house after you've had a purge! I'm not sure if I'd get that same rush from having it clean all the time. I'd miss it.
Lots of couples fight about which way is "the Right Way", (and, yes, they do use Capitals!), because so often one is a slob and the other a neatnik. I'm here to say there is no Right or Wrong so you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate it out.
I like using the "community" framework. Like you can do whatever you want with your own belongings and space as long as it doesn't impact the community. I used to tell my kids they could do whatever they wanted in their own rooms as long as they did not ruin the property in their rooms (which belonged to me) or keep community property (like dishes and DVDs) shut up in there.
So it's not OK for someone to bring food in their room and leave it to rot and attract ants and other creatures because it ties up a plate someone else might need and it damages the foundation of the house or carpet or mattress which costs money to replace. It's not OK to sleep on a bed without sheets because it ruins the mattress...get it?
So with couples, once you can agree there is no Right or Wrong way you can start figuring out how to develop a Respectful Community in which everyone lives and feels like a winner.
The Slob can be given specific surfaces on and in which they can clutter and be messy that are not common space, interfering with the others who live in the "community". They can choose to not open their mail for weeks as long as it doesn't ruin someone elses credit because they aren't paying bills on time, or at all. They can not do laundry and live out of the clothes hamper if they want, as long as their clothes do not make a "clothes mountain" in the bedroom, bathroom or any other common space. If they have a closet that they don't share, they can throw it all in there and not infringe on their partner. If they share a closet, they can only clutter their half or perhaps there is a way to put up a divider so the Neatnik doesn't have to see it.
The Neatnik can have certain areas that are always clean and orderly. They can decide which chores they are totally inflexible about and choose to do those themselves. If they want anyone else to do the chore they have to learn to let go of how well it is done and appreciate that they don't have to do it.
My inner Slob has learned that I don't have the right to slob all over everyone elses space. I don't have the right to have my mess affect someone else. But I do have the right to not be neat. And I don't want to feel shamed about it. I'm a Slob and I'm Proud! And I am also responsible to myself and others and developed systems for making sure I get my bills paid, my laundry done, my promises kept. I have a filing system so I know where to find things even though I may only file once every few months, or weeks depending on my mood. I don't expect others to keep my business taken care of, to clean up after me, to remember all the details of my life and anticipate my every need.
See if you can figure out how to be responsible for yourself in your relationships and your personal business. I think you'll feel better about yourself all around. Ask a therapist for help if you can't figure this out on your own. Some of us are pretty good at it. ;-)
Over the years of living alone, living with a family, being a single mother, I have gotten better. I do realize that if I don't clean things up, they will just sit there. I have come to appreciate that I am living in a community, even if that community is only me. Our households are mini communities that need to have some order, rules, expectations and schedule or it would all go to hell in a handbasket.
I made rules for myself and I made rules for my kids. I have my own tolerance level for how much mess and chaos I can take in my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom.....and then I clean like a mad fool.
I'd like to say I admire people who keep it clean all the time, but truthfully, I don't. Seems too sterile and boring to me. There's nothing like the surprise of finding a book you've been wanting to read under a pile of other important documents....or a $5 bill in a pocket! And, Omigod!, it is so great to sit in a clean house after you've had a purge! I'm not sure if I'd get that same rush from having it clean all the time. I'd miss it.
Lots of couples fight about which way is "the Right Way", (and, yes, they do use Capitals!), because so often one is a slob and the other a neatnik. I'm here to say there is no Right or Wrong so you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate it out.
I like using the "community" framework. Like you can do whatever you want with your own belongings and space as long as it doesn't impact the community. I used to tell my kids they could do whatever they wanted in their own rooms as long as they did not ruin the property in their rooms (which belonged to me) or keep community property (like dishes and DVDs) shut up in there.
So it's not OK for someone to bring food in their room and leave it to rot and attract ants and other creatures because it ties up a plate someone else might need and it damages the foundation of the house or carpet or mattress which costs money to replace. It's not OK to sleep on a bed without sheets because it ruins the mattress...get it?
So with couples, once you can agree there is no Right or Wrong way you can start figuring out how to develop a Respectful Community in which everyone lives and feels like a winner.
The Slob can be given specific surfaces on and in which they can clutter and be messy that are not common space, interfering with the others who live in the "community". They can choose to not open their mail for weeks as long as it doesn't ruin someone elses credit because they aren't paying bills on time, or at all. They can not do laundry and live out of the clothes hamper if they want, as long as their clothes do not make a "clothes mountain" in the bedroom, bathroom or any other common space. If they have a closet that they don't share, they can throw it all in there and not infringe on their partner. If they share a closet, they can only clutter their half or perhaps there is a way to put up a divider so the Neatnik doesn't have to see it.
The Neatnik can have certain areas that are always clean and orderly. They can decide which chores they are totally inflexible about and choose to do those themselves. If they want anyone else to do the chore they have to learn to let go of how well it is done and appreciate that they don't have to do it.
My inner Slob has learned that I don't have the right to slob all over everyone elses space. I don't have the right to have my mess affect someone else. But I do have the right to not be neat. And I don't want to feel shamed about it. I'm a Slob and I'm Proud! And I am also responsible to myself and others and developed systems for making sure I get my bills paid, my laundry done, my promises kept. I have a filing system so I know where to find things even though I may only file once every few months, or weeks depending on my mood. I don't expect others to keep my business taken care of, to clean up after me, to remember all the details of my life and anticipate my every need.
See if you can figure out how to be responsible for yourself in your relationships and your personal business. I think you'll feel better about yourself all around. Ask a therapist for help if you can't figure this out on your own. Some of us are pretty good at it. ;-)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Panic
Sometimes people's fears or past experiences trigger panic. The first few times this happens might be pretty scary and people have often worried they are having a heart attack or "going crazy".
Sometimes people have had anxiety for years but haven't had panic attacks before and some people have been having panic attacks occasionally but not on a regular basis.
What happens is that once you have had a panic attack and find out it is not a heart attach or stroke, but a panic attack, you get scared that they'll keep coming and you have lost control of yourself.
The fear of having a panic attack creates more panic attacks and you begin spiraling down. It's as if you have been infected and can't fight off the virus.
There are several ways to deal with panic attacks:
Medication is a quick fix for most people and can be a good choice. It can help decrease the ruminating that causes a lot of anxiety and get you back on course, keeping you from making panic a bad habit. There are sometimes negative side effects and so you have to work with your doctor over time to find the right medication and dosage. Talk to friends who have been on medications and hear what they have to say about what it did or did not do for them. Talk to the doctor you like and trust most and see what they advise.
Hynotherapy can help your subconscious manage fears better and a good hypnotherapist can give you a copy of your own CD so you can keep up the effects over time on your own. Call your insurance company and see if it is covered and which providers are covered.
Relaxation techniques/breathing techniques/acupressure techniques can be great tools to have in your toolkit for handling anxiety, depression and the occasional panic attack. There are several good self help books with ideas on all of these available in the library or bookstore or internet.
And good talk therapy can help you figure out how you learned to be such an anxious person and develop some conscious skills for handling the anxiety/panic when it comes up. Learning more about how you are interpreting situations and creating fear, pain, anger for yourself can help you divert yourself from going down the road to anxiety in the first place.
Here is a list of some other things you can do on your own when you find yourself having a panic attack:
1. Breathe
2. Look around you and remember where you are and remind yourself that you are safe
3. Listen to a relaxation tape or calming music
4. Call a friend or family member who understands and can help talk you down
5. Find comfort in your pet/s
6. Take a hot bath or shower
7. Meditate
8. Distract yourself with something if you can, like a book, movie, cleaning project
9. Get some physical exercise, run around the block, dance, anything that helps change your breathing, heartrate and expend anxious energy
10. Write it all down. Sometimes it helps to get the scary or obsessive thoughts out of your head and onto paper and plan some solutions
11. Do some artwork that helps shift your focus on something fun and beautiful
12. Get out of the house and let in other stimuli to try to shift your mood and focus
13. Get in your car and close the windows and yell or shout into a pillow
14. Don't hurt yourself or anyone else, stay safe
15. Add your own ideas here
16. Keep repeating until you get calmed down, don't give up
Sometimes people have had anxiety for years but haven't had panic attacks before and some people have been having panic attacks occasionally but not on a regular basis.
What happens is that once you have had a panic attack and find out it is not a heart attach or stroke, but a panic attack, you get scared that they'll keep coming and you have lost control of yourself.
The fear of having a panic attack creates more panic attacks and you begin spiraling down. It's as if you have been infected and can't fight off the virus.
There are several ways to deal with panic attacks:
Medication is a quick fix for most people and can be a good choice. It can help decrease the ruminating that causes a lot of anxiety and get you back on course, keeping you from making panic a bad habit. There are sometimes negative side effects and so you have to work with your doctor over time to find the right medication and dosage. Talk to friends who have been on medications and hear what they have to say about what it did or did not do for them. Talk to the doctor you like and trust most and see what they advise.
Hynotherapy can help your subconscious manage fears better and a good hypnotherapist can give you a copy of your own CD so you can keep up the effects over time on your own. Call your insurance company and see if it is covered and which providers are covered.
Relaxation techniques/breathing techniques/acupressure techniques can be great tools to have in your toolkit for handling anxiety, depression and the occasional panic attack. There are several good self help books with ideas on all of these available in the library or bookstore or internet.
And good talk therapy can help you figure out how you learned to be such an anxious person and develop some conscious skills for handling the anxiety/panic when it comes up. Learning more about how you are interpreting situations and creating fear, pain, anger for yourself can help you divert yourself from going down the road to anxiety in the first place.
Here is a list of some other things you can do on your own when you find yourself having a panic attack:
1. Breathe
2. Look around you and remember where you are and remind yourself that you are safe
3. Listen to a relaxation tape or calming music
4. Call a friend or family member who understands and can help talk you down
5. Find comfort in your pet/s
6. Take a hot bath or shower
7. Meditate
8. Distract yourself with something if you can, like a book, movie, cleaning project
9. Get some physical exercise, run around the block, dance, anything that helps change your breathing, heartrate and expend anxious energy
10. Write it all down. Sometimes it helps to get the scary or obsessive thoughts out of your head and onto paper and plan some solutions
11. Do some artwork that helps shift your focus on something fun and beautiful
12. Get out of the house and let in other stimuli to try to shift your mood and focus
13. Get in your car and close the windows and yell or shout into a pillow
14. Don't hurt yourself or anyone else, stay safe
15. Add your own ideas here
16. Keep repeating until you get calmed down, don't give up
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Are You Listening?
Listening is such an important skill to have when we want to have healthy and rewarding relationships and yet we are trained from childhood in many ways that get in the way of being a really good listener.
When we listen well to others it gives the message that we are committed to the relationship and that we value them.
It is important to set aside our concerns, prejudices, beliefs, anxieties and self interest in order to completely listen to another person's thoughts.
The following is a list of some of the blocks to good listening. Read through them and identify which ones get in the way of you being a good listener.
COMPARING
When you are busy thinking about whether the other person is smarter or you are, or comparing competence with the other person you are not hearing much of what is being said.
MIND READING
When you are trying to figure out what the other person REALLY means, listening to tone, inflection and subtle clues instead of the actual words, you are not paying attention.
REHEARSING
This is when you are busy thinking about what you want to say in response. It is hard to hear the other person when you are busy planning a response.
FILTERING
You are only listening to a part of what the other person is saying. You are trying to figure out the other person, their feelings and intentions to see if the conversation is safe or important. You tend to lose interest and stop listening if the conversation does not interest you, or if you feel you are not safe or are too safe.
JUDGING
You make a judgement about the other person or what they are saying first and then stop listening to them or listen with a bias.
DREAMING
When the other person is talking you start to think about other things or start a conversation with yourself in your own head. You may zone out for a period of time and miss what they have said.
IDENTIFYING
You are so busy trying to find similar experiences in your own life that you haven't heard all of what the other person is telling you.
SPARRING
You focus on finding things to disagree with so you can argue or debate. You may use sarcasm or superior knowledge to put the other person's view down.
BEING RIGHT
You can't listen to any criticism or disagreement. You always have to be right and go to any length to prove you are. You might shout, make excuses or accuse the other person to avoid being wrong. You certainly are not listening to their opinion because it is too threatening to you.
DERAILING
You might find yourself getting bored or uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and change the direction of the conversation rather than hear what the other person is saying.
PLACATING
If it is more important to you to be liked than be part of the conversation you might agree with everything and not really be involved or listen.
Once you have identified some of the ways you are not listening to your fullest capacity, try to figure out what's behind your behavior. Is it habit and training or did some emotion get triggered?
What and how can you change this behavior? You can ask others for help. You can practice paraphrasing what people say to make sure you have heard it all before you give your response.
To have more respectful communication you have to own your own feelings and responses. For more help with this contact me or read some of the books I have in my recommended reading list.
When we listen well to others it gives the message that we are committed to the relationship and that we value them.
It is important to set aside our concerns, prejudices, beliefs, anxieties and self interest in order to completely listen to another person's thoughts.
The following is a list of some of the blocks to good listening. Read through them and identify which ones get in the way of you being a good listener.
COMPARING
When you are busy thinking about whether the other person is smarter or you are, or comparing competence with the other person you are not hearing much of what is being said.
MIND READING
When you are trying to figure out what the other person REALLY means, listening to tone, inflection and subtle clues instead of the actual words, you are not paying attention.
REHEARSING
This is when you are busy thinking about what you want to say in response. It is hard to hear the other person when you are busy planning a response.
FILTERING
You are only listening to a part of what the other person is saying. You are trying to figure out the other person, their feelings and intentions to see if the conversation is safe or important. You tend to lose interest and stop listening if the conversation does not interest you, or if you feel you are not safe or are too safe.
JUDGING
You make a judgement about the other person or what they are saying first and then stop listening to them or listen with a bias.
DREAMING
When the other person is talking you start to think about other things or start a conversation with yourself in your own head. You may zone out for a period of time and miss what they have said.
IDENTIFYING
You are so busy trying to find similar experiences in your own life that you haven't heard all of what the other person is telling you.
SPARRING
You focus on finding things to disagree with so you can argue or debate. You may use sarcasm or superior knowledge to put the other person's view down.
BEING RIGHT
You can't listen to any criticism or disagreement. You always have to be right and go to any length to prove you are. You might shout, make excuses or accuse the other person to avoid being wrong. You certainly are not listening to their opinion because it is too threatening to you.
DERAILING
You might find yourself getting bored or uncomfortable with the topic of conversation and change the direction of the conversation rather than hear what the other person is saying.
PLACATING
If it is more important to you to be liked than be part of the conversation you might agree with everything and not really be involved or listen.
Once you have identified some of the ways you are not listening to your fullest capacity, try to figure out what's behind your behavior. Is it habit and training or did some emotion get triggered?
What and how can you change this behavior? You can ask others for help. You can practice paraphrasing what people say to make sure you have heard it all before you give your response.
To have more respectful communication you have to own your own feelings and responses. For more help with this contact me or read some of the books I have in my recommended reading list.
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