Sometimes in life we just have to be patient.
When I was younger I thought I could control more...no, actually I thought it was my responsibility to make everything right. If anything in the world might could be wrong or go wrong somehow it was my job to make it better.
As I have traveled through life I have not only learned that it is NOT my job, but also that I can't control things anyway, and furthermore, it is not always in my or others interests for me to do so anyway.
People used to quote that saying, "If you love someone, set them free. If it is meant to be they will come back to you...." and I thought it was a load of crap. It was one of those sayings that you are supposed to believe but don't because the need was so great you couldn't let go of wanting it, right? And then I'd doubt myself and think maybe that is really how I should think if I was a good and healthy person.
We can no more control these feelings than end world hunger when we are up to our necks in the emotions of it. Being told, or telling ourselves that we should think and act and feel differently will go over our heads until we work through some issues for ourselves.
Our shame about our imperfections, our selves, creates a need to try to control and make everything right. Failing to do so increases our shame and feelings of imperfection. It is a downward spiral until we deal with our shame and find a way to like and even love ourselves.
Once we love and respect ourselves it gets easier to love and respect others. To allow them to live their lives the way they see fit. We no longer need to control for outcomes in relationships, in our lives. We recognize the value of allowing others to find their own way....we can enjoy them so much more when they are there of their own volition, fully there with us.
And if we love and respect ourselves we can also trust ourselves and believe that we can handle whatever comes our way.
We can be patient.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Gossip May 26
Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support group-sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships-relationships where the other person can be who she or he is and we can be who we are-and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. C Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond-one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.
So can a simple behavior like gossip-for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.
That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Gina's notes:
I found that in my life I would usually turn to gossip when I was feeling "one down/less than" someone else. I wanted to talk about someone else to make myself feel better. I realized that I don't need to do this and I don't want to be a person who has to put someone else down in order to feel good. If I have an issue with someone I need to either soothe myself or deal with them directly.
I might need to "process" a situation with a close friend or colleague but this should always be with the intention of going back to deal with the issues directly.
In Terry Real's material, he says there are 6 Losing Strategies in Relationships:
1) Needing to be right
2) Trying to control the other person
3) Unbridled self expression
4) Retaliation (gossip is one form of retaliation)
5) Withdrawal
6) Using misery stabilizers
To hear more about these ideas. contact me or sign up and I can tell you more.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Loving Ourselves Unconditionally
Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you have always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seen foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By "acting as if". By working hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself- past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences- treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when it means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving person has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or her self. Self love will take hold and become a powerful force.
May 25 Melody Beattie "The Language of Letting Go"
Gina's addendum:
People do not always appreciate it or love us when we keep healthy boundaries. It is fairly common for people to be angry and blame you and attack you for being unloving of them or selfish because you set healthy boundaries.
We do not do this for them, we do it for ourselves first. That it will help them make take them sometime to see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Subscribe to a feed 
